I'm only 8 weeks, I swear!!

Today is 8 weeks. I can breathe a little more now, since I made it through today. YAY!

However, by looking at me, you would think I was 6 months! I have superbloat now. There is a possibility that it's not all bloat, I am only 5'1", and have the shortest torso known to man - I have about 2 inches from bottom of my ribs to top of my hip on the side - about 3 1/2" in the front. Not much room on the inside for baby LOL!!

As a size comparison standpoint - I am a d-cup that you see me busting out of in that pic. Yup, the belly is PAST the girls. I feel like I should take pics of my toes now, since I will have no idea what they look like in another month at this rate!! :-)

So, without further adieu, 8 week belly pic:

It's a... blob!

It's a blob... with a heartbeat! 131 bpm! Very good solid heartbeat, right in range for 7 weeks.

I'm also measuring right on schedule, right around 7w. My appointment isn't until January 5th, I probably won't get the official doctor due date until then, but things all look happy and well.

In the ultrasound pictures, the baby is the front blob, the yolk sac is the back blob. :)

Yay baby!

Take two.

So my last post was all about my morning sickness, and I took down - now I suddenly have this huge fear.

It's the night before my viability ultrasound.

What if it comes back as non-viable? And do I really want what could be my last pregnancy blog about the morning sickness, the miserable part of pregnancy?

I like focusing on the things happening to me right now, not the things that could be. I think that's why I am so overwhelmed with the m/s, hormones, exhaustion... if I let that fill my mind, there's no room for anything else. Granted, it's hard not to remember m/s when you puke every time you eat, or don't eat.

Honestly, I do I even know that all this m/s is for a baby? I had it last time, and I have no baby, so really... How do I know it's even worth it to go through all this? How do I know it won't be for nothing?

Hormonal, emotional, fear.... it's easier to ignore it all and look at the right here, right now.

T minus 11 hours. Answers.

It kills me not to have answers yet, but I'm so afraid to get them.

This child is SO NOT related to me.

I'm convinced I am a surrogate for someone else's child.

We just got takeout from Pat's Pizza. We ordered a BLT club with waffle fries, chicken wings with bleu cheese and celery, and mega fries with extra bacon.

I ate celery.

Those that know me in real life are usually shocked by my food habits. I eat THE WORST crap in the entire world. I love greasy, spicy, junky, anything that makes you fat, I LOVE.

The only thing I want to eat is fruit, and veggies.

RAW VEGGIES.

Anything else makes me vomit.

This is NOT my spawn. :-)

I've been tagged!

1) Choose the 4th picture folder on your computer


2) Choose the 4th picture


3) Explain the picture


4)Tag 4 other people






This is when Chloe was a puppy - can you tell someone was jealous?!

Tagging: Danse, Catie, Rachi, and Blair.

Vomitus Eruptus.

It's official - real morning sickness began today at approximately 6:30 am.

Standing on my sister's back porch, I suddenly got hot, sweaty, uncomfortable... and made a mad dash to the railing to dry heave and vomit what teeny bit of stomach acid I had in me.

Yup, it's here.

I proceeded to spend the entire day feeling that way - including right now. I met up with Chris for lunch at Sheetz, and since my gas light just came on, filled up my tank. Of course, the auto shut off valve didn't work! Gas spilled out of my tank, down my car, and into the giant puddle that I managed to park in, right where my gas tank was. GREAT. Except, in order to shut off the gas, I STEPPED in it. I spent the entire day smelling like gasoline, which made me want to vomit even more.

Faaaaantastic.

To top it all of tonight, I came home, and I'm spotting. Brown for the most part, with a touch of pink. PLEASE don't let this happen again. I'm calling the doctor in the morning, see what they say. As of right now, I have an ultrasound scheduled for December 18th. 8 days away.

Maybe.

Great Betas!

So, they turned out well!!

Beta #1: 210

Beta #2: 599!

Those are some happy numbers. It's about time I get some good news. I really needed this today. I was told they were going to call me tomorrow to schedule the ultrasound. They would want that between 7 and 8 weeks. So, 2 or 3 more weeks today until I get a glimpse of the munchkin.

I can't wait!!

Here's hoping for a 2 week wait :-)

Had to say goodbye to an old friend.

My little Lucy, also known as Piggy, or the Wuce wuce, ^the little white one, is gone. We took her to the Humane Society today and had her put down. She had a ton of issues, congestive heart failure, fluid in the lungs, narrowing of the trachea, almost completely deaf and blind... but the cancer of the mammary chain was what did her in.

She started the day off right... With 2 cans of food (the good stuff - porterhouse steak) instead of a half, half a beer, more treats than she's ever had in her life, and constant loving because I couldn't put her down.

When we took her to the Humane Society - as I bawled like a baby - she promptly entered and peed on the floor. That's my girl! She hung around with us for a while, then they took her back. We brought her home afterwards, and buried her in the backyard, curled up in a little ball how she always slept, and tucked her bowl in with her.

You were the best little dog Lucy. I still love you to pieces, and you can't imagine how much I am going to miss you. Hopefully by now you are up in doggy heaven, shaking the shit out of a squirrel that you just caught. I miss you baby dog.

So far, so good!

Well, there is no spotting, no bleeding, so I am feeling good. It was right before 5 weeks that I had my first incident with spotting last time, so I am keeping my fingers crossed.

I had my second round of betas today. I haven't even gotten my numbers back from the first round! Thanksgiving interference. Now I have to wait until Monday to hear anything.

I have had a lot of cramping. Painful, uncomfortable cramping. I forgot how much pregnancy can hurt. The cramps in turn, terrify me. Have me waiting for the blood. There has been nothing. Let's keep it that way little one. Please?

Apparently... Pregnant.

Well folks, it seems that I am pregnant.

Again.

Let's hope things work out this time around.

I will continue to be terrified until my first u/s, followed by passing 8 weeks. Once we hit those milestones, I think we will be fine.

But for now, here's my proof:

LOL, I love that I'm being stalked by proxy.

I think it's hysterical.

Cracks my shit up.

:::waves to Exton, Pennsylvania:::

Way to go, America. NOT.

That is really all I have to say about it.

I look forward to waiting for all of these promises to come to life.

He promised things he doesn't have the power to do.





So now what?

Voted!

It took a lot of really hard work, but I did it.

I got up out of bed, managed to throw on a sweater and jeans, walked across the street (how inconvenient!) had to explain how I legally had 2 different names (since I still haven't changed my last name on my SS card yet - lazy!) and filled in my little black boxes.

I need a nap now. :)

Hypersensitive.

Yes, oversensitive doesn't describe it. Hypersensitive I am.

So that rambling of last night actually came from an Ooops ticker. I know she doesn't mean it like this, it's just one freakin word, but when I see that above a pregnancy ticker...

It's like the big bitch of high school comes over to you, knocks your fruit punch all over you in your all white outfit and says "Ooops!" and runs off to laugh about what she just did.

And to see that she was upset about it killed me.

I'm sorry if you are reading this, it's nothing against you, but I gotta get it out.

Still struggling.

I thought I was ready to wander back to the baby boards... I'm not.

I want this done with. I don't want to feel like this anymore.

I am broken, I am empty, I am shattered, I am alone.

I want nothing more than to spend every waking minute with the new babies around me. I make hour long car drives to go see them, and they kill me. I can't stand not to be around, and I can stand to be around.

I feel like my body is eating itself alive. Every minute of the day I want to cry. I want to curl up, fall asleep, and not wake up until everything has passed. I want to wake up to a world where I am going to be a mother, my husband a father, and everything as it should have been.

My body has failed me. And now, trying to get back on the horse and try again, it is still failing me. All I want is to be me again. I feel like the old me, but shattered into a million pieces in the snow. I don't know how to pick up. I don't know how to glue myself back together. I don't know how to move on.

I was driving home tonight, after leaving my baby niece, and I felt so incredibly miserably numb. I was zoned onto the road, listening, but barely comprehending the music. I wasn't even aware that I was listening to the music until I felt a tear fall.

"Every night you cry yourself to sleep, thinking 'why does this happen to me?'
Why does every moment have to be so hard...."

That's exactly how I feel. I just want it to pass. I just want to be me again.

Finally, the end.

The end of this hell cycle. Official count - 46 days.

Craaaaaaaaamps. Ouch.

I know this might be controversial, but it's my blog so I am saying it anyway.

I want to give up.

I feel like this entire process is torture. I have a beautiful family with my husband and stepson. I have a kid who is not only respectful, polite, kind, decent, funny, and caring, but one who also decided that he was going to make something of himself, and even above and beyond that, is serving his country at the same time. I may not have given birth to him, I may not have seen every minute of his life, but he is my kid. I could not be more proud.

(FYI for anyone who doesn't know me - I have a good relationship with his mom, and even she calls me his "other mom", I'm not stepping on any toes or disrespecting his mother with the "my kid".)

I do feel complete with them. If we were to not have a baby, it doesn't take anything away from me. I would be the same I am now. I wouldn't lose anything, I never had it. It's like Houdini was my chance, and it just didn't come to reality.

I've been overwhelmed and consumed with thoughts of Houdini lately. Maybe this is where this is all stemming from. We bought the dream perfect crib bedding last week - and all I could think was that I would be buying crib bedding right now for Houdini. THIS would be for Houdini. I think buying it was a mistake. I couldn't bear not to have it, but I find myself wandering over to the closet, opening the door, sitting on the floor, and staring at it. I love it, but I hate it.

Chris got me diamond earrings the day we found out I was pregnant. When Houdini's due date was pushed back to April first, it later occured to me that the earrings would symbolize Houdini, his or her birthstone. We picked them up yesterday, and I stared at them. I had them put them in a box, not in my ears. It took me about an hour to work up the courage to put them in. Now I stare at them, loving them, and hating them. I have visions of flushing them down the toilet. So I walk away from the mirror.

I watch my sister and my best friend with their brand new baby girls. I see the pure love freely flowing from every pore in their bodies, I watch their husbands turn to big teddy bears when they reach out for their child, I see their hearts melt. I see the ultimate gift a wife can give her husband, their child, and can physically watch the transformation from a man to a father. I can't give my husband that. I have tried everything I know how, and I still can't give him that.

I just want to give up.

:::GASP!!:::

Danse stole my blog background.

I might have to kill her. ;)

::Kisses Danse!::

Well, it took 35 days...

but it appears I have ovulated.

I think.

I forgot my thermometer when I came up here for the weekend, but with 2 high temps, I made up a third. Plus, the ewcm was like normal, aka alot, not like the little bits I had for that crazy long time. With the + Opks, I'm pretty damn sure. I'm just gonna figure I did. When I get back home, I'll start temping again to be sure, but I am gonna say yes, I did.

That being said, I am counting myself out this cycle. I am officially waiting for my period to show, not the other way around. We had sex 2 days before O, but that's it - nowhere else around it since he was out of town. I realize that gives me a chance, but I just don't feel real good about my chances, especially with it taking so long to even ovulate. I realize that isn't the most factual logic in the world, but I can't help but feeling like it.

I am currently 5 dpo (most likely anyways) so next Sunday I am looking at period time. You know you wanted to know that.

Time to pack up and get ready to leave Pittsburgh for good.

I fixed the blog!

After 2 days and many attempts to remove that stupid picture, I finally did it! For some reason, it was hidden in the widget HTML and in 4 - yes 4! - different spots in the HTML. Talk about outrageous - no need for 4.

Anyways, it is day 4 in Pittsburgh and it is FREEZING! It's only in the high 40s, and it is highly unnecessary to be this cold! It's only October people, not December! I was not fully prepared for this weather. I brought clothes for just in case, consisting on 1 sweatshirt, 2 sweaters, and sweatpants... enough for typical fall weather. Little was I aware that I would need a sweater every day!

I still have not hit a peak on my CBEFM either. My dearest CBEFM, we have been through this stage already. You already "know" me. There is absolutely no need for this many highs before a peak! Whatever happened to that "3 to 4 days of high"?

Looks like it might be time for an ovarian pep talk.

Fire away.

Blog Makeover!

After months of drooling all over Blair's blog, but not wanting to deal with all the hassle of switching it over, I finally decided my fingers could be lazy no longer.

Pretty new blog!

The only problem is that stupid picture in my header from my last blog. I have looked all over in an attempt to find the html for it, but somehow it seems like it is embedded in my damn blog. I't ruining the look of it, it angers me.

Well, now I am in Pittsburgh. Chris was supposed to be home for good this past weekend, but it turns out he'll be here for another MONTH. Needless to say, there was no way I was going to be sitting at home for two straight months with no husband.

So we kenneled the dogs, packed us both up, and drove out to the hotel. It was really sweet - Chris had told the hotel staff that he was bringing me up, that it was going to be our anniversary coming up. When we walked into the hotel room, there was a bottle of champagne on ice, two glasses, and a card signed by all the hotel staff! I guess they really like the Verizon guys out here - hey, whatever, free booze for me! :)

First morning here sucked though - I slept in, but the husband forgot to bring me up half and half for my coffee. AKA - no coffee. I'm having a morning HOT CHOCOLATE. Delicious, but SO not coffee! We have to run out to Target tonight anyway, so I'll get some there, I just miss my coffee.

Still no peak on the CBEFM either. Still just a high, I don't even know how many that makes... enough with the tease already, he's been here for 4 days, just gimme a damn peak!!

Well, if anyone knows how to get that picture out, feel free to leave advice. I might go try to take a nap, I'm feeling prreeeeettty damn cranky. :)

And today would have been...

The first day of the second trimester. Houdini would have been 1/3 of the way here. I would be so close to feeling movement inside me. The morning sickness might have been fading, might have been gone. Today would have been a major milestone.

Instead, today is nothing, but cycle day 9. The first day of peeing on the CBEFM sticks. The first day marked "low" on my chart.

Chart.

I should be pregnant, not charting.

PERIOD!!

For once in my life, I am so excited it is finally here!!

I shouldn't say finally. That's the second exciting part. Everything says your first post cycle will be longer. I was only 30 days! That's shorter than I have had... EVER!

Well, this is my last blog before Chicago. I'm getting on a plane in 16 hours. Normally I have no fear of flying, but I'm a little nervous since it is September 11th. And Chicago has the Sears tower and all. Eh, whatever. I can't do anything about it, and my stepson is worth it. Deep breaths.

Okay, time to get to sleep. I have to pick up the husband tomorrow in the morning.

Bye for now!

Crap. She did it again.

And so it goes....

I've been tagged by Sweetpea. The Rules:

1. Link to the person who tagged you
2. Post the rules to your blog
3. Write 6 random things about yourself
4. Tag 6 people at the end of your post and link to them
5. Let each person you have tagged know by leaving a comment on their blog.
6. Let the tagger know when your entry is posted.

6 random things about me:

1.) I recently have developed a new love that I never thought would occur. I suddenly have no desire to wear my engagement ring. I still love it to pieces, but I suddenly love just my wedding ring by itself.

2.) I too, cannot sleep with socks on. Whenever I get tired, all of a sudden, my feet get incredibly hot. Like, burning. When I was little, I used to unzip my footy sleepers and pull my legs out. My mom figured out what was going on when she would wake me up every morning, and only my arms would be in my pajamas. It was like a cape at that point.

3.) I am such a 1950s housewife. I love having dinner on the table when my husband comes in the door. I love being a stay at home wife, and the whole June Clever aspect. Because I do this, I believe I am also the ultimate feminist, in a backwards way. I choose to do it, and everyday I have people telling me how wrong it is and how I should start a business, or go to work at least part-time, blah blah blah. I have to fight against the new stereotype everyday, where it is suddenly no longer okay to be a SAHW. Where the ultimate feminist part comes in, I think a woman should be able to choose whatever she wants to do, including NOT work.

4.) I am unhealthily attached to my husband, and he is to me. We don't go out separately, we don't have boy nights or girl nights, and just being apart from each other for this past week has reduced us both - and yes, I said BOTH - to tears. I've never been sick of him - I love when he's home on vacation and I have him 24/7.

5.) I have an irrational hate for doing laundry. Even though I am a SAHW, I still manage to weasel my way into talking my husband into doing it for me. I have no idea what my objection is to it, but I would rather burn my clothes after wearing them and be stuck with nothing, than to do laundry. It's been close.

6.) I am unexplainably afraid of making phone calls. I have a strange paranoia with it. Even while DH was in Pittsburgh on Saturday, he called into the Chinese place down the street - from 4 hours away - to call and order it for me. I hate the phone. You will usually have to call me about 10 times before I will ever call you. I have no idea why, but I am very uncomfortable on the phone. I will physically start shaking and take about 10 minutes to psych myself up if I have to call somewhere I am not regularly calling.

Okay, again with the tagbacks. Let's go with Monkey, Danse, Blair, Griffin, Rachi, and Boobz.

Sweetpea made me do it.

I've been tagged too... a while ago, but I was neglecting the blog. Now that I am back, here goes.

1. Where is your cell phone? Next to me on my table

2. Your significant other? I miss him at the moment.

3. Your hair? messy

4. Your mother? Paranoid.

5. Your father? aww, my daddy.

6. Your favorite thing? At this particular moment, coffee and a cigarette.

7. Your dream last night? I don't remember it.

8. Your favorite drink? Coffee, grape soda, orange soda, grape kool-aid... I can't choose!

9. Your dream/goal? Kids.

10. The room you're in? Bedroom.

11. Your hobby? Nesting.

12. Your fear? Another m/c.

13. Where do you want to be in 6 years? In a new house with 2 kids running around the backyard with the dogs.

14. What you're not? Disloyal.

15. Muffins? Lemon poppyseed. But only the inside mushy parts. I give DH the outside.

16. One of your wish list items? A new bedroom set, new carpeting, new floors throughout... too many to list.

17. Where you grew up? Norristown, PA

18. The last thing you did? Lit myself a cigarette.

19. What are you wearing? Dh's t-shirt and pink polka dot pj shorts.

20. Favorite Gadget? My LG shine cell phone. Lurve.

21. Your pet? Which one? I have 4.

22. Your computer? POS!!! Need a new one.

23. Your mood? Lonely.

24. Missing someone? Husband, excessively.

25. Your car? VW cabrio.

26. Something you are not wearing? Socks?

27. Favorite Store? Target

28. Like someone? Friends

29. Your favorite color? Blue

30. When is the last time you laughed? Today

31. Last time you cried? 2 days ago. My husband told me he was missing me, played our wedding song, and it made him cry. That made me cry.

So, now to tag others... Monkey, Danse, Boobz, and Blair. DO IT! :)

Long time, no blog...

Well, I've been neglecting the blog for a little bit. It was just too hard to come on here, and see the trials of the pregnancy and miscarriage. It was a very happy time for a little bit, and there are even still times where I find my hand just resting on my stomach like I was still pregnant. I had gotten in the habit when my doctor told me exactly where the sac was, so I didn't want to relive it.

Finally, the whole detailed, graphic, way too much information story:

It started on Sunday afternoon, August 10th. It was the typical cramps, which I didn't think anything about. I had been having cramping the entire time. This too will pass. They progressively got closer together, and more painful. Around 7pm, I even remember posting to Mrs.John on the nest, when she was asking about cramping (she had just gotten her BFP) that mine were getting so bad, I was actually going to take Tylenol for the first time in the pregnancy. I was bleeding red too, but since I had been doing that the entire time, I wasn't worried.

Somewhere around midnight, something was up. These cramps were killing me, with only about 30 seconds relief in between. The bleeding was getting worse. It's okay, I will call the doctor in the morning. This just isn't normal.

1 am. Oh my god, this pain is unnatural. I'm bleeding almost like a period. Pantiliners are not cutting it anymore. I think there is a problem.

2am. Tears. Clots. Dime sized clots. I was posting on the nest for someone to calm me down. I had already had clots, and with the bicornuate uterus, it could still be absolutely nothing. I don't understand the cramping with it, but I could still be normal.

3am. Can't move. Can't breathe. Nickel size clots. The realization finally hits that it is probably over. At this point, the doctor's office will be open in 5 hours. I just need to sleep. I am so tired, I can't handle this right now. I don't even want to let my brain travel there. Turn off the lights, turn off the computer, smash up next to Chris, and the minute I pulled his arm over me, I couldn't stop it. I was bawling. I knew what was happening. He woke up, asked me what was wrong. All I could get out was "I think I am miscarrying". Now? "yea." I couldn't even hear what else he said over the sounds of myself bawling. All I remember is thinking, just try to get some sleep. And somehow, I did.

6am. Chris wakes up for work. Just the slightest movement on the bed woke me up. Immediately I was in tears. It was the most intense pain of my entire life. I cannot even describe the sheer physical intensity of it. Back on the nest. Down 3 tylenol. If I am not miscarrying - that one millionth shot in hell - I am just sticking with the tylenol. Just writhing in pain for the next two hours, nesting.

8am. Call in to the doctor's office. Who's patient are you? Dr. May. Oh, she's on vacation this week. I will have Cheri, the midwife, call you back shortly. She's not in yet.

8:15 am. Phone rings. She's gotten familiar with my chart. "So first I want you to tell me what you think is happening, and then I will tell you what is going on." "I think I'm miscarrying."

Yes, you are.

She proceeds to tell me they've been waiting for it to happen. It was in my chart. With the issues with the ultrasounds, and the lack of development, they were 99.99% sure I was going to, but didn't want to say anything. What if I was that .01%. I kind of wishI had been prepared for the possibility though.

The pain should be gone by 1pm since it had already been so long.

1pm. Still dying. Call in, tell them. Okay, she will call me back.


2pm.



3pm.



4pm. Houdini passed. I went to pee, wiped, and well, that was that. Here was this tissue, about 2 quarters side-by-side in size, where there was supposed to be a baby. What the hell do I do? Flush it? I can't. That was supposed to be my baby. I wrap it up in all but an entire roll of toilet paper, cause, well, it's gross. But it was supposed to be my baby. Chris will be home soon, he can do something with it. But oh my god, the cramps have gotten even worse.


4:30 pm. Back in tears. Call again. Oh Megan, I think someone is calling you right now. Hold on. Yup. Megan, Cheri said that she can schedule you for an ultrasound to see what is going on. I tell her I passed it, it was huge, but now I am dying. I need something stronger.

5:15 pm. Chris arrives home with a full bottle of Vicodin.

The pain continued for days, the bleeding continued for days. I had an ultrasound 2 days later, and found all major tissue had been expelled, only bits left over of what was trying to become a placenta. Two weeks later, I had my post appointment. Good to go... once I get a period.

I have to wait one full cycle. Which, knowing my cycles, with be 6 or 7 weeks. And they say that first period after a m/c can take longer than your normal cycles.

Fantastic.

I just want to get back on with it. I want a baby.

Miscarried.

Well, on August 11, exactly one month to the day of my BFP, I miscarried.

Scheduled!

Ultrasound is scheduled for Friday, August 15th, at 9 am.

::Fingers crossed!::

Houdini is SO grounded.

Well, there is a yolk sac this week.

The official repost came back. The gestational sac is measuring 6w1d. The last ultrasound was officially measuring 5w4d. It was 9 days between ultrasounds, but there was only 4 days of growth. So the waiting game just continues.

I've been bleeding at night. Bright red, and a flow - not just spotting. However, with the BCU, that could be normal. My doctor is iffy about it, but she said I won't need to come in or be concerned unless it turns into a full period flow. Since it stops in the morning and during the day, she's not panicked about it. Sounds good to me.

I'm so tired lately. Chris is working the 1-9 shift, so our time is split up. It feels like I never get to see him. All I want to do, the whole day long, is sleep, and eat! It's craziness.

Since measuring 6w1d, that moves my due date back to April 1st. Uh oh! That moves us into diamond birthstone territory ;) My belly seems to be exploding. I realize it's all bloat, or fat... I have been on a sugar kick... but I did NOT expect to look like this quite this early! I totally look pregnant. I really want to exercise, but with the bleeding starting right after I walked the dogs, I'm afraid to. I am not trying to lose weight, or anything like that, but I feel like I am blowing up like a balloon. I'm also having a total guilt complex, since I crave sugar and cookies, and slushies, and mints, and sodas... I need to do something to balance all that out! :) I need to get to the grocery store and start having some healthier options around. I still eat my lean cuisines - they are a great lunch compared to a handful of oreos, washed down with a 7up, only to be followed by about 10 mints consecutively. At least I have them! I've been eating a lot, and I mean A FREAKING LOT! of pasta too. Whole grain though - rotini, penne, and whole grain mac 'n cheese! I was so happy when I saw that in the store - if I'm going to shove my face with mac 'n cheese, it may as well be whole grain! At least it's better for me. I honestly sit on my butt in front of the computer ALL DAY, and eat. I've gained weight like crazy since this bleeding started - I'm too afraid to do anything. I REALLY need to make healthier food choices if exercise is not an option.

That being said, I'm off to make some pasta.

I'll start tomorrow. :)

Houdini Baby has been FOUND!

I got the official report from my doctor today.

They found Houdini!

While it is great news, in true Megan fashion, there has to be a little piece of drama that goes along with it. I can't catch a break! LOL.

I have a bicornuate uterus. It's a birth defect (of mine, not my baby's) where my uterus is split down the middle. I was also born with a congenital hip defect, where my ball socket that holds my hip in wasn't formed, so perhaps I shouldn't be too shocked. It's heart shaped. The baby is on the right side of my uterus, and it will only have half the room of a normal uterus to grow in. There a a few different degrees of it, and I'm not sure of how bad mine is, but there are a whole host of risks that come along with it. Early miscarriage, second tri miscarriage, pre-term labor, needing a cerclage, fetal growth retardation, and it's about a 90% chance I'll need a c-section. Well, it's not the ideal situation, but what ever it takes to keep Houdini safe, I'll do it. For now though, he/she is safe, present, and accounted for. It's also pretty much a guarantee I'll be on bed rest at some point, since I already have spotting, it's a pretty good sign that that is in my future. If that's the worst that comes, I'll be grateful.

I'm so lucky to even be pregnant. A BCU is not the end of the world. It will make things more difficult, but the end result is so worth it, so I cannot complain. There are some great women I know that are dealing with IF and would trade spots with me on this roller coaster in an instant. Yet another great thing about the Nest. It's given me an appreciation of other's struggles, and when I think the world is closing in, it provides prospective on the situation. When we thought I was miscarrying, while it was horrible and does not in anyway make it less, there was at least the fact that I could get pregnant. The outcry of support from my girls was incredible. And the outcries of joy when I found out Houdini was still there, and when we just found him/her, was amazing. While I don't them most of them IRL, I consider some of them my best friends. They're always there when I need them, and just because I don't hear their voice, it does not discredit their words in any way. I know that sounds weird, and quite frankly, I never expected a message board to be this much a part of me, but it is. And people hate on BOTB? Not when you get what I've gotten from them.




Right now, my heart goes out to Bada. I'm so sorry hun. No one should have to endure what you are going through. My heart and thoughts are with you girl.



.

Not quite good news yet...

Well, we had the second ultrasound yesterday. There is a gestational sac, but it is empty. We are now in blighted ovum territory. I can't be sure, but this ultrasound tech made me think that there was a gestational sac on the last ultrasound, but I was told there wasn't. Who knows really - either the tech or my doctor misspoke. One way or another, no one knows what is really going on.

The ultrasound tech was really nice, and though she wasn't supposed to say anything, she told me that it was *still* an empty sac (which is why my head spun around...), and that they were probably going to have me do another round of betas, and another ultrasound next week. In other words, there is nothing new, and nothing reassuring. There is still just a holding pattern. I learned my lesson about taking probabilities to heart last time, thinking I had miscarried. This time around, I'm just going to wait it out. One more week won't kill me.

Well, the baby shower went fantastically. Everything was beautiful, my sister loved it, and everything turned out really well. I almost knocked out her sister-in-law, who rolled in thinking that she was going to take it over and decide what Kim should do - when she couldn't even be bothered to RSVP!!! - and was physically PUSHING my 7 month pregnant sister to open presents as soon as she got there. I had to lay down the law - presents get opened with cake. We are NOT going to have people coming in, fighting to climb over people to get to the food table while people are trying to see her open presents... NO! I had to tell her 4 times as she pushed my sister to go open them. Finally after Kim had already agreed with me and started to walk out, I all but screamed NO at her, and she pushed my sister again and said, "Kim, just go open your presents." I SLAMMED my planner book down on the stove, looked at her, and stormed into the backyard. I was going to blow up on her. Apparently I got my point across, because she shut up after that. The girl walked in barking orders, taking stuff out of my hands, and then that?! Hell no. I am the one throwing this party. You couldn't even be bothered to RSVP, let alone offer to help before hand, so DO NOT think you are controlling this.

Bitch.

Anyways, the wedding was beautiful too. The ceremony had to be moved inside, because the craziest storms of the summer arrived!! We SAW someone get struck by lightning right on the beach. Our hotel was directly across the street from the beach. Chris and I were watching the people scurry off the beach when it started to rain, and not even 2 minutes after the rain started, the LOUDEST thunder and this huge bright lightning hit. Chris' ears were ringing, and I, being such the girl I am, took off running out of the hotel doorway into the back bedroom! Not even 2 minutes later, the beach patrol trucks came flying up, and someone was jumping up and down. They weren't playing around, they threw the person on a backboard and ran off. They maybe were there for 30 seconds, and they were gone! Apparently 2 people were struck by lightning on the block our hotel was on, a girl taking down an umbrella, and a lifeguard trying to get people off the beach. Apparently a man was killed by lightning a few towns over in the same storm.

Crazy times, so good, but always a piece of drama has to go on somewhere! LOL. Well, at least it was eventful.

Back to good news again!

While the news is fantastic, the price I have to pay for it is looking like a heroin addict. My arms don't tolerate blood being drawn! The arm with the worst bruise, that's actually with 2 days of healing :) Well, it's not too terrible, but on both arms, well, it's a little excessive!

But back to the good news, I am still pregnant! Some miracle came through, and my betas doubled - exactly. From 1231.2 to 2462 is 48 hours. Talk about picture perfect! My doctor is still cautious, and doesn't want me to go crazy and take it to mean everything is guaranteed fine, but for now, with the betas being perfect, I am still pregnant! I have another ultrasound to see if we can find the Houdini Munchkin, but for now, everything is exactly as it should be.

The exhaustion is setting in, only to be furthered by the lack of sleep to wake up so early today and incredible amount of work I had to do for my sister's baby shower. There is still more to be done, but nothing else I can do here. I have to wait to get to Norristown! And of course, swing by the party store first to grab a few last minute things. Laundry is finishing up, and then I am packed and ready to go. A weekend away... first my mom's all day Friday for set up, then all day Saturday for the shower and cleanup, then off to CapeMay NJ Saturday night for a wedding on Sunday, come home on Monday for a 2 pm ultrasound. Well, that about sums it up.

I'll update again after the ultrasound!

Nerves have settled in.

I'm incredibly nervous for the beta tomorrow.

While being in limbo sucks ass!!, at least it's not a "no".

I'm going to be there AT 8 am, when they open, in hopes I can get the results back the same day. It's not exactly likely, but it's possible. I'm shaking just thinking about it. Quite frankly, I NEED them back tomorrow. It's really not an option.

I'm throwing my sister's baby shower this weekend. That means, all day Friday, I will be at my mom's house, helping her clean, then I have to buy the food, decorate the house, make the food... I really can't take the news while I am doing that. I want to be able to absorb the news, and quite frankly, it will just be way too painful to do all that for a baby shower the day I find out I lost one.

I feel like it will be a no. I know that's bad to think, but honestly, that's my gut. I don't see how I can be earlier. It's just really not possible. I had an external AND internal ultrasound. They would have seen SOMETHING. Somewhere. But I'm empty. I just have this gut feeling that nothing is there.

How much fun can a shower really be when I have just lost my own child? I'm praying for a miracle, and that I am still pregnant, but I can't shake this feeling. And two days will not be enough time for it to settle enough not to seep out into everything I do. It's too fresh, the wound is still bleeding, open, and sore. Yet all I can do is wait.

Waiting game. It's awful. No one should have it. No one should be exposed to this sort of torture. It's better to just KNOW. That's all I want. I just want to KNOW.

Well, no, I want more than that. I want to know I'm still pregnant. I want to know my child is growing and healthy.

But I'll settle for just knowing in general.

The Case of The Missing Baby.

I've been spotting since Sunday morning. I thought it was no big deal, sex on Saturday night, no biggie. There was a clot, but I didn't really think anything of it.

Sunday afternoon, spotting stopped. Awesome. It's fine!

Sunday night, spotting begins. Another clot. Now the spotting is reddish-brown. More red than brown, but it's still there. Okay.

Monday morning, spotting is stopping. All brown. Awesome! I'm clear! Nothing all afternoon.

Monday evening, spotting returns. Reddish again, continues to morning.

This morning - Doctor's Appointment. She gets me in, up on the table, takes a look around... Definitely spotting, but my cervix is closed. Good sign. Just in case, I'm being sent over to the hospital for an ultrasound and Rh testing. This will make sure all is well, no ectopic, anything of the like.

Head over to the hospital, checking in, get my blood drawn for Rh test, and head off for the ultrasound. First there is an external, then the dildocam. My first experience with the dildocam, talk about fun. Anyways, I have to wait for the results, the radiologist will look at them and confer with my doctor, and I will get the results while I am there.

20 minutes later, the ultrasound tech comes back with a phone. My doctor is on the phone. I'm put back in the room so I can "have some privacy". Uh-oh.

"Megan, did you get your bloodwork done already?"
"Yup."
"Okay, well, I'm sending over an order for an HCG panel to measure the hormone (my betas) and then we'll have you come back in on Thursday for another round of it."
"Okay..."
"We didn't see anything on the ultrasound. No fetal pole, not even a gestational sac. At this point, you've either already miscarried, or you are waaaaay earlier than we thought."
:::Tears:::: "Okay..."
"So at this point all we can do is wait to see your HCG numbers today and Thursday to see if they go up or down."

How can I possibly be earlier than they thought? I know when I Oed. I know when we had sex. I know there is no other possible time that it could have been. And I know I got my BFP at 11 dpo, which does not make me a late implant. Please let it be something else.

At this point I make a mad dash out of the hospital, run to my car, bawl on the phone to Christopher. Full, complete, total breakdown. Why is this happening? Pull it together. Go back in.

Walk up to the greeter desk, where the greeter and a check-in nurse are talking. Check in nurse looks at me, and says, "How many times are you going to be here today?" jokingly of course.

Full, complete, total breakdown. At this point, they have 3 boxes of tissues pulled out for me.

Dr. May :::hyperventilating sobs::: faxed over :::gasp, bawl:::: a new bloodwork ::::omg I can't breathe bawling:::: paper for me.

I'm having a meltdown. In the middle of the waiting room.

At this point, the nurse is in full guilt-panic mode. Poor woman. I sit down in the chair and find myself staring. At nothing. Just staring. Let the numbness begin.

I go back into the blood room, and the nurse proceeds to take another 2 vials of blood from the SAME ARM in the SAME SPOT from the SAME VEIN as an hour ago. Not only does my arm still hurt 12 hours later, you should see this bruise. And that's WITH ice on it. As soon as the nurse took the needle out, she says "Oh that wants to bruise..." Ya think?!

I don't know what my betas are today. I'm guessing I won't know until Thursday, or Friday, whenever I get the results. I hope it's Thursday.

Now tomorrow I need to call in and see if I need the Rhogham shot. I have an appointment set up at 2, hopefully I won't need it (3 straight days of needles is a bit much, considering how well today went...) and I have to set up a time for betas on Thursday, since I was so frazzled today I forgot to.

I do however, have the best husband in the entire world. He came home from work today with a cherry slushie (my favorite!) and said, "Let's go to the beach and watch the sunset."

So we did.

We got in the car, drove over an hour to get to Elk Neck State Park in Maryland, sat on the beach for 45 minutes and watched the sunset. That is, until the park ranger kicked us out... The sunset had *just* finished, it was still plenty light out, but nope, park closes at sunset. It didn't matter, it was an awesome drive down and back as well.

Well, not including my total breakdown on the way home where I couldn't stop sobbing for 30 minutes to the point of a raging headache, sore throat, and all of my face and neck muscles hurt.

The really sad part is, the highlight of my day was Burger King breakfast. I got a sausage and cheese croissan'wich with no egg and small hashbrowns.

There was no sausage on my sandwich. It was microwaved croissant with a piece of cheese on it.

Luckily I wasn't out of the parking lot before I was going to wolf it down.

So all in all, the highlight of my day was a screwed up Burger King breakfast order.

Sad. So very very sad.

Ahh the weekend....

Starts off on a bad foot!

I'm so incredible exhausted - but I cannot sleep. I will sleep for an hour, wake up, and spend the next 20 minutes trying to fall back asleep. Repeat hourly, with every other hour including a pee break. Right now I am incredibly cranky!

Lindsay's baby shower was today :) That was fun. Man, I am so jealous - you should SEE the amount of stuff she got! Her MIL alone bought half her registry! Everything was so cute - but I felt no so good. I was feeling nauseous all day today, and now that the nausea has subsided, I have outrageous heartburn. Even though it was Lindsay's shower, she got me a present! I'll put a pic in here soon, but too much effort for me right now :) It's an adorable photo frame that is the mom + dad = me 3 picture frame. I love it!!

The psycho mood swings are setting in. I got so mad at Chris today...

When we got out of the car, he grabbed the empty Popeye's bag. I had to soda, the picture frame, and a gallon of water that has no handle that I am trying to juggle all from the car inside. Now we need a new front door, you have to slam it shut and lock it immediately so it doesn't swing open and the dogs escape. He walked in - and kept going. I'm trying to push the dogs back, slam the door with my foot, and not drop anything. So I yelled over, "So nice of you to help me!" He turned around and shot back "You didn't ask me to!" He walked behind me, locked the door, doing the pissed-off breathing/sigh thing (you all know what I am talking about!) and suddenly...

The psycho took over.


That soda from Popeye's? I launched it. Threw it across the dining room. Explosion.

That jug of water? Same. But no explosion, it had a lid.


I seriously THREW a soda IN MY HOUSE.

Let the hormones begin!!

Finally - my OWN big news on the blog!

I'm Pregnant!

Oh, the hideousness of the BFP bloat. And LOVING EVERY MINUTE! I bloat so badly every month - 9 lbs. to be exact. Once again, this month, I am 9 lbs. up - and all in the belly. The sad part is, you can actually SEE the line where the belly normally is without the bloat! Haha...

And to think, I wasn't go to test today! After yesterday's BFN, I was convinced I was just going to wait for my period to show up.

Being the POAS addict I am, I held my FMU this morning. I didn't pee for over an hour after I woke up, just trying to decide if I wanted to test or not. I had all but settled on NO, when an email from MysteriousWife shows up... Are you testing today?

Well, I wasn't planning on it, but how long could those cheapy dipsticks really be good for? May as well burn the last 5 or so that were left.

I run to the bathroom, PIAC, and dip the thin little dipstick. I take the dipstick with me back to my room, and just continue on BOTB as usual. I am chatting away, about to announce yet another BFN, when... wait. What is that? Is that a line? Tears. Shaking. No fucking way. Wait - for some reason, I DID NOT dump the cup of FMU. Subconcious instinct? No, I was thoroughly expecting a no. Why did I NOT dump that? Who knows.

I can't call Chris. What is that isn't a line? It is just the smallest little pink shadow. Call Lindsay. More tears, all but hyperventilating. I think I see a line. Have to test again. Dip the thicker dipstick. Screw that, I have a FRER in the cabinet too. Dip that also. Sitting on the toilet, bawling my eyes out, I look over. More lines.

OH MY GOD I AM PREGNANT!!! Lindsay shut up I have to call my husband! (LOL thanks for not being mad about that Linds!) Wait, really? YES! There are 3 lines glaring in my face. Really faint on the dip sticks, but there is no denying that FRER!! Call Chris. Have to call Chris.

Babe? I'M PREGNANT!!

He doesn't believe me. I am bawling hysterically. We scream together, oh my god, it's real. It's finally real! With all the stress this cycle, we both figured there was no way in hell. Only once did we have sex in my fertile window! Only ONCE! For the first time in a long time, fertility friend only rated me as "good" not "high". After I calm down, he tells me that when he answered the phone, he thought I was going to tell him one of our dogs died because I was bawling! That's a great story for the baby book, lemme tell ya :)

Well, he finally came home from work. Time to go out to dinner! And ya know, since we are out...

I got my first pair of maternity jeans. All the joking I did about getting them before I was pregnant, well, I should have! They are the most comfortable things I have ever worn in my entire life! They are so cute, so comfy, and LESS THAN HALF of what a normal pair costs! $16.95! Needless to say, I will be living in them. I also bought a tummy sleeve, Vitamin E body butter, and more pregnancy tests.

Hence the DARKER second line on the second test. WOOT! It's gotten DARKER! I know it means nothing, but it's just the fact. :)

My first doctor's appointment is August 27th. I don't know if they'll be doing an ultrasound, GOD I hope so!! but I will be 11 weeks at that point. That seems so late for a first appointment, but my doctor's office apparently doesn't get you in until 10 weeks - the week I am on vacation! What can you do.

I called my mom, but other than that, we want Chris Jr. to be the first to know. He'll be leaving soon, Thursday to be exact. This does mean though, that I will definitely be able to fly out to his graduation and possibly visit him down at A school. We were a little worried about it when his boot camp ship date was mid-December, that meant his graduation would be mid-February. If his date didn't get moved, we were talking about a TTC break. It would be more important for both of us to be there than to get pregnant immediately. We'd waited 7 months while trying, so it wouldn't be a big deal to skip 2 cycles (3 or 4 months) so we could both be there for him. That would have been the ONLY thing to put TTC on hold.

No longer any worries... I'm Pregnant!!!

Quitting Smoking... again!

Moving in to the 2ww = Megan as a non-smoker.


The patch is back on, and at the current moment, feels like it is burning a hole through my skin! Grrr! It's enough to make me want a cigarette! I call that counter productive. Haha!

This time it will work. I will not screw up the patch again. I need to. Quitting smoking is the last thing I have yet to do to get pregnant. I do everything else right, but I haven't quit smoking. One way or another, this will be it. No more cigarettes. I am taking back control.

I'm so tired lately. I need to really clean my house! I've done our bedroom, the hallway, and the basics of the kitchen. I need to mop the floor, but I don't wanna! Yeah, that's right, I said it. I'm soooo mature. :)

Long time, no blog!

Yeah, it's been a while. I'm a slacker.

Well, I've been kinda taking a break from this craziness know as TTC. I didn't chart until I got highs, and I'll only chart until O is confirmed - which should be three days from now! :) That's right ladies, today is ovulation day. I got the darkest positive on an OPK yesterday, so it was quite fantastic. We're sticking with the every other day for sex stuff, since Chris is passed out next to me right now. Although I might awaken him just for some extra last minute contributions :)

I'm so very 'whatever' this month. I'm not all worked up about TTC anymore, and honestly, this is the happiest I've been since we've started. It's a big relief. It didn't bother me to see my friend who got pregnant after trying for way less time than we have.

I even handled a 'family' picnic well. It was my SIL's (my brother's wife) family picnic, more friends than family though, and all of my family came as well. When I sat down to eat, from right to left, we had pregnant, pregnant, pregnant, new mom, mom of a 9 year old, and back to me. Not to mention, the 4 girls (3 pregnant and 1 newborn girls) did NOT stop talking about their pregnancies, and comparing notes, due dates, what have you experienced, have you eaten deli meat, etc. It drove me nuts for about 25 minutes, then I walked away, took a break, and was fine again.

It really was like a scene out of a movie though. Chris kept shooting me looks, like "Do you need to escape?" and "What kind of luck is it that you are in the middle of this?" I love him for those exact reasons, but I was really okay. I'm sure if I had my period it would have been different, but I was all good.

There is craziness come up in the next month. So many things to do, so little time! On top of it all, my transmission in my car crapped out. I need to get a new one! Too much money. That throws a wrench into things! Plus my sister's baby shower, a friend's wedding, Lindsay's baby shower, July 4th, my other sister's birthday... Not enough time this summer! I feel it slipping away... I'm excited for all of it, but where has the time gone?! Is it seriously July already?!

Time for bed.

Wish me luck! Here's to getting pregnant!

And now I'm smoking.

I lost my motivation. I lost the drive. I screwed up the patch one day, slipped up, and I couldn't stick with it. I'm going to give it a few days and try again. Today was the first full day of not smoking since the slip, and I just couldn't do it. I didn't have the willpower to fight off that pull toward it. I'm now 'practicing'. I'm still fighting the urges, and only giving in when I get SUPER bitchy.

Right now I am completely exhausted. I just spent an outrageous amount of time tonight chopping, slicing, and making food. My legs actually HURT from standing so long. Flashback to working retail! I'd be fine walking that long, but not just standing. Ick.

All this is stemming from being the oldest 25 year old in the entire world. I have a kid that graduated high school, and is now enlisted in the Navy. Now I'm running my ass off to get everything done for the party because his mother is just NOT together on this. She just gave me a list of things we should bring (and coordinate with the rest of the family!) while she's doing practically nothing. We don't even know the official time yet - it's either 2 or 3. Fantastic. Man, she is such an airhead. I don't know why she didn't just let us handle this.

No I take that back, I do. CJ is a month and a half off his 18th birthday, and going into boot camp before that. She's trying desperately to be the 'cool parent' but at the same time calling him 'her baby' at the Navy recruiter! She was all upset that I took him to the recruiter's for his ASVAB instead of her husband - who CJ HATES - like I was interfering on their bonding time or something. She's now into the super clingy phase, where she is realizing 'her baby' is growing up and doesn't want to let go. Not to mention, as soon as CJ ships out, that connection to Chris is gone. In her efforts to be cool and hang on to all 3 of us, it's just become outrageously annoying - to all 3 of us. She acts like I'm her best fucking friend - I do NOT want to know about your sex life! CJ will most likely leave in less than a month. We find out on Saturday. Less than a month, and he's already talking about moving in with us to get away from her.

Example of the uh, 'coolness' : She said as a graduation present to CJ, she is going to get a tattoo of an anchor on her ankle, to show her support.

All 3 of us just stared at her for about a minute, then laughed.

Not even the guys IN the Navy get tattoos of an anchor. Plus, she would rather CJ be bagging groceries at the store than go in the Navy, and tells him this every chance she gets. She was refusing to let him go in to boot camp before his 18th birthday, until Chris ripped her a new one. Now she continually tells him how "she'll let him, but she won't be happy about it..." The kid is already enlisted! He's excited! DO NOT make him dread this - he's already sworn in, he has a military ID, you can't get him out of it now anyways, so SHUT UP!

She's becoming unbearable. Sorry if this all seems petty, but there is so much that goes on DAILY that I cannot even begin to write it all. On top of all of this, she is just in general, outrageously loud and obnoxious. That doesn't help it all either. :::Deep Breath::: One more month.

I will feel much better once the graduation party is over though.

On a really funny side note - When Christopher got back from the recruiter's, he gave me a bumper sticker that said "Proud Parent of a Sailor". When I took him home later that day, Deanna asked what he got, he told her his shirt, hat, and bumper stickers - she asked him for one. He told her No, they were going in his room! I was DYING!

Horrid day, but not smoking!

I am so sick, I cannot breathe. This really old air conditioner in our room is crapping out. It cannot keep up with the heat and humidity here! There are also no other a/c's in the windows yet, as this is quite the early heat wave. This would be fine, I would put the a/c in if I could manage to get up the 2 flights of stairs with it, aka no sickness. And of course, they messed up Chris' schedule, so he was working until 9 - which turned out to be 10 - and he is still not home yet. Not to mention, the entire Susquehanna Valley was out of cell phone service today - which is my ONLY phone - because some idiot cut a fiber line up here. Fantastic. Add all of this on to the baby shower drama, hand writing all those notes, and just for a cherry on top - I'm quitting smoking.

I've been really good with it, but honestly, I don't know how much more of this I can take. There are only so many things that can happen at once. At this point, I am MISSING my smokes. It was somehow comforting. I know it isn't really, but yet, it was. However, there were only about 4 times today I went to mindlessly grab for my pack. It's been over 36 hours since my last cigarette, which is further than I have made it in quite a long time. The longest has been 4 days, which was in my first 2ww. I was completely naive and convinced that I was pregnant, so I stopped. Needless to say, the first day of my period I fell right back to them. I never was able to fully quit in the 2ww again, with that 'It probably didn't work anyway' mindset. I continually cut back, and I would be down to less than 1/2 a pack a day, and then I would get my period. Back up to a full pack. It's an addiction, what did I expect?

I always said once that motivation was there, I would quit. The motivation was a baby. Hence the fact I was able to quit in the first 2ww. Now, after 4 unproductive (or un-reproductive?) cycles, my new motivation is getting pregnant. It affects fertility. I knew that. I just never thought it would happen to me.

Some kind of Progress.

Yay! Boo. No, yay! No, boo.

AF is finally here. She made her grand appearance in the form of pinkish-brown spotting at 11:53 pm. Now I sit here at 1:00 am exactly, with a bottle of fuck-you-uterus Advil, a whole bag fuck-you-stomach popcorn, and a big cup of fuck-you-body instant iced tea. It's literally so big I could swim in it. Or at least wash my hair.

However, with all of that, I do consider this an improvement. That may seem strange, yet it is a fact of my journey that I am strangely proud of. While I believe that no woman should have to hit this point, I have arrived to the place where I don't cry about my period. It is a fact now that I am not pregnant. It's not devastation, it's not crushing disappointment, it's now longer a feeling of how can I be THIS broken. It just. simply. IS. My period is now a statement, a fact, a truth. It is not a verb, it is not a state of being.

Just this past week, I have heard from 6 different people "it will happen as soon as you relax". Sweetpea, I am not including you in this paragraph (FYI). Really. My doctor wants to put me on fertility drugs, my cycles have yet to fall in the normal range, I've had a weak ovulation last cycle which my doctor has determined as a problem in my follicular phase, and my LP can't seem to find a happy place. Glad to know that all of that is null and void if I only RELAX. You've GOT to be kidding me. I never thought I would hit that point of people saying it to me. My brother even said that to me today. Have you tried to have kids? No. Shut up, go away, and come back to me when you are broken. I swear, people don't get it.

If you haven't been through it, I don't want to hear your theory. If you got got pregnant accidentally, I don't want to hear how it happened for you. If you pregnant in your first month, I don't want to hear that all you had to do was time it right. If you got pregnant in your second cycle, I don't want to hear that you just ditched the lube and took your vitamins. Or in today's case, became obsessed with David Cook instead of TTC. Talk to me when it took you more than 6 months to get pregnant. Tell me what you did, how you did it, and I will try it. If you've lived through it, I am all ears. Until then...

SHUT UP!

It's official - AF needs to die.

I can handle my period. I can handle cramps with my period. I cannot handle these KILLER crazy bad cramps with no period. At least when I have my period I can know I am moving on toward ovulation. These cramps are strictly unproductive, a warning of the inevitable. Can we at least get this party rolling and move on to the next cycle?

In other news, I'm becoming a vegetarian. Well, kind of. :) Chris and I kept joking about how we could become vegetarians since we LOOOOOVE our veggies. Well, now that we aren't pregnant again, there's only one thing left to try - the sperm diet essentially. Lots of veggies, especially dark green ones, are supposed to be really good for sperm production. Not to mention high in folic acid for me! Hopefully I'll also lose some weight in the process. I doubt it, I love my veggies in butter! Or with Parmesan cheese - the real stuff - or green bean casserole. My favorites! Or spinach in cream of chicken soup (the one meat 'product' if you can call it that, that we agreed will stay!) Or a spinach alfredo. Mmmm, that's dinner tomorrow night. Looks like I am going to need to go shopping! We're going to be what I call "at-home" vegetarians. It will be our primary source of food and we won't cook meat at home, but we aren't objecting to it or anything of the sort.

So I am guessing AF will show up tomorrow, unless my body is in full out revolt stage, in which case my LP will be really long just to push my cycle outside the normal range :) In which case, I'm finding out where I can return my uterus for a new one!

Baby shower madness!

I've gotten so much done today for my sister's shower, that I am utterly EXHAUSTED! Today alone, I have finished stuffing the invites, sealed them, stickered them, stamped them, mailed them, bought extra favors, ordered the advice cards, confirmed the other favors delivery, addressed all thank you cards (tradition over here, the shower host addresses the thank you's for the mom in advance), bought the thank you cards before that obviously, bought the forks and knives, tablecloths, decorations for the house, tent, and mommy chair... I also went to Yankee Candle and got the 'prizes'. One sand 'n sun candle, and my newest obsession, Island Spa. Yummy! Now I have to finish the diaper cake tomorrow, which should be easy enough, it's 90% done. Then I just have to wait on stuff to get here so I can finish stuffing the favor bags. I really am exhausted after all this! It is all worth it though, some of this stuff is SO amazingly cute! I'm working with a light pink, hot pink, and purple as colors with baby footprints as the theme. Butterflies are tied in here and there, since her bedding has butterflies on it. Wanna see some of the cuteness? :)

The invites, custome designed. Same woman did my wedding invites, Katrina, papermilldesigns.com:

I think I am out this cycle.

I have been having crazy cramping. It's like AF is holding her impending doom over my head. I've been weak, tested, and it's a BFN. I'm only 10 DPO, so you never *really* know, but it feels like all the others. On the bright side, at least this time I didn't set myself up. Sadly, I kinda seems easier this time around. I'm getting used to it. It still sucks by all means, but I just don't think it's as bad as it has been. I knew eventually this cycle would come, and while it's upsetting, it's a big relief at the same time.

Just got back from the new doctor.

I like her!

She said the 9 day LP was from a weak ovulation. It makes sense, since my temps weren't up as high as usual, just barely above my coverline. There wasn't enough progesterone, there was a problem with the follicle.

She was talking Clomid, but I told her I wasn't ready for that yet - not against it, but wanted to avoid it if I could. She said she'd give it another 3 months, and then she'd put me on it, sine her definition of a regular cycle is less than 35 days - which I have not had one of, but I'm on my way to that this cycle.

The only thing I don't like is that this doctor wouldn't do testing for things like PCOS until a year, even if she puts me on Clomid. I think that's a little strange, but it's just something I would deal with. The other doctor would do testing at 6 months, but then I'd have to deal with her again. No thanks :)

Here's hoping I'm pregnant now! 5 days till testing, if I can hold out that long!

Yay for Ovulation!

Today I hurt. I can't find my Tylenol, but of course I can find 16 bottles of Advil! I'm all kinds of crampy, and my left leg has had that dull cramping all day. Boo. Can't wait until Chris gets home, he'll get me Tylenol! :)

I discovered myself daydreaming about my BFP this cycle, and quickly shut that down. I will NOT do that to myself again! I'm really hoping this is it, of course (or I wouldn't be trying!), but I am keeping myself grounded. `

The husband will not be home until late. I hate when he can't manage a phone call to say he'll be working overtime. Eh, maybe I'll go shopping.

The day of big news, just not mine :-)

Well, it starts with my stepson - he has decided on the Navy. Yay! I was hoping Navy and not Air Force, strictly on the fact that his dad was, and even though Chris was in the first Gulf War, he was never in combat. The Air Force recruiter was a total dick too. Very "we're so good we don't have to offer you anything, we have enough people". That is a verbatim quote by the way. It was kind of appalling to hear the things that were said. The guy was getting ready to retire, and couldn't give a shit about his job. Chris actually had to track him down, call several times, and show up before they could even talk. Then he wasn't willing to talk job fields until in boot camp. Maybe that's the way the AF works, I don't know, but this guy was an ass. CJ would have to be dropped off at the Recruiter office to take the ASVAB, and then go to boot camp, and then talk job fields. If something wasn't available, he would just be stuck with something for the next 4 or 6 years that he could possibly hate. Not really a good deal. The Navy, however, is practically dating him. They're even going to pick him up, take him to Harrisburg, put him up in a hotel room, take him to dinner, and then next day give him the ASVAB. He'll have a guaranteed job field (what depends on his test scores) before he officially enlists, and he is thinking telecom, just like his dad. The recruiter was really good too, and answered all his questions. Seriously people, if you want people to sign up for the military, at least PRETEND that you like your job. Come on.

Second News Update - Lindsay is having a girl! YAY! Chloe Michelle (tentatively) is on her way! I'm so excited, we were having a serious penis overload on BOTB. It's about time for a girl! That does mean I was wrong in my latest prediction, but in my defense, I did say girl for the first few months. It's only been this last month I've been saying boy. Time to break out the PINK!

Third news update - Sedina (IRL friend) is pregnant with #2! I'm very jealous - she started trying after me - but I'm through the roof excited. Kaleighna, their daughter, is absolutely adorable - a little blondie with BRIGHT light blue/aqua eyes. They do make gorgeous kids, and I can't wait to see what this one looks like! She's due end of January, early February, don't know the exact date yet. She wasn't a crazy charter/OPK/CBEFM/vitamins girl ;) but it is funny since her first was born on February 2nd. Saving money on those birthday parties? ;)

In my world, I did ovulate today! Always a plus. 5 days till my doctor's appointment, so we'll see what happens there, now that the body is working!

Can we say... PEAK?!

That's right people, we have a peak! This means I'll be ovulating on CD 20! That's earlier than I ever have before! So exciting. It's a full 8 days sooner than last time! This is awesome. No crazy sex spree this month either! I'm thinking maybe the blog is magic. I write it, it comes true. In that case, I will be pregnant this cycle! Ya know, I have to cover all my bases. The impatience is getting to me again, although I did wait to o quite patiently! I'm ready to be in the 2WW and just get this cycle over with. If it's not this cycle, I want to move on to the next! I'm ready to get this thing going. Full Speed Ahead!

And the big news is....

My Sweetpea is PREGNANT! YAY SWEETPEA! So exciting, I wanted to scream it! That's awesome. That's why hope has been restored. Now lots of regulars on BOTB are getting pregnant, so I feel like my turn is coming. Who knows, maybe this will be it?

Gender predicitions:
Lindsay - boy (big u/s on 5/22)
Sweetpea - girl
Nerds - boy
Schwandy - girl
Jimmys - boy
Bunnies - boy

We will see how it turns out between now and September. I'd also be willing to bet I'll be eventually having a girl. I've always had this feeling that I'd be raising two little girls. I don't know why, call it woman's intuition, but I've just always seen that in my head. Eh, maybe I'm just crazy. :-)

Baby making has commenced tonight. I feel like I'm slacking, but I know it's for the best. Gotta get them swimmers moving! On the plus side, with all this nasty CM going on, I've got the perfect sperm friendly environment.

Provided they don't get drunk at my uterus' pool table and bar. (Was that you Sweetpea?)

Here's hoping for a baby this time around! This cycle would make it a February baby. If I O on the 24th, that would put my EDD at 2/14 :-)The OPK is getting darker... Just have to wait and see how it all progresses!

Optimism has been renewed.

So I heard some FANTASTIC news, woke up this morning and it was on my phone. This restores my hope in karma! Sometimes things don't work out the way you want them too, but in the end, they still work out. I am sworn to secrecy on this news, although I am sure I'll make a new entry about it when it's out - I AM SO EXCITED!!!

In other news, I am still on High on my CBEFM. I've been neg on the OPK's, but I seem to have this new-found paranoia that I'm not poas properly and that I'm going to miss my peak. Ridiculous I know, since I have always gotten a peak, even cycle 1. I have no idea where this is coming from, but whatever, it's all good.

Now let's just hope I get less than 13 high days this month. I would like to ovulate in a semi-decent time frame. I do have hope that I will though, since it always works out that way. You take your car to the mechanic for a knock, it stops. You take your ovaries to the doctor, and they work like they're supposed to. Here's hoping! :)

Stalk my ovaries.

http://www.fertilityfriend.com/home/Megan1006

This. Is. Nasty.

I'm a freaking CM factory. Every. single. time. I sit down, I feel it. *Squidge* Yup, there's more. It's so gross. I don't understand it, I'm only CD 15, well I guess at this hour it's technically CD 16, but I do NOT ovulate this early. Let's just say I'll being saving myself some money on Pre-seed. I have literally gone through 4 pairs on underwear today, and of course I am out of panty liners, so I have no other option. Looks like laundry day will be coming early this time around.

So officially for this cycle we are trying everything we possibly can. Sex will be every other day at the start of highs, which of course has already started, my vitamins, put him on fertility vitamins, my CBEFM, OPK's, charting, and a new doctor! I can't wait. Hopefully she can give me more than a 'don't worry about it'.

I still feel lost in the journey. I am back to my good old self again for the most part, but I have lost the optimism of trying to conceive. Maybe it will come back after seeing the new doctor, maybe it will come back after I O. I'm just losing that anticipation, that optimism, that excitement, that feeling of exhilaration because you are about to start a whole new part of your life. It's like it's not going to happen. I don't want drugs, I don't want tests, I don't want medical interference, but I would do it all if that's what it would take to get pregnant. All I want is a baby. I have hit that point of the bitterness, the jealousy, the "why not me?". I find it now difficult to plan my sister's shower. I could not be more happy for her, but I've fallen into this pathetic self-pity that is ridiculous yet utterly consuming.

Completed.

The shower drought is over.

I put my stinky butt in the bathtub.

An hour and a half later, I was clean, de-haired, and smelling pretty.

However, now Christopher is asleep and cannot enjoy this fabulousness.

I'm thinking about doing a countdown to my new doctor's appointment. I think it will make me feel better. With all the realizations of my broken body, I really think that's the only thing that will be kicking my butt out of this funk! I really cannot wait. I just need to hear either that I am fine and just wonky as hell, or that I am broken and here's what we are going to do about it. It just feels like I'm burning time, wasting it until someone can tell me what's going on. I don't even have any hope for this cycle. I just know it's not going to work. I do think it's better this way though, after the crazy crash from last cycle that I still am not over. All of this is because I let myself be convinced that last cycle was IT for me. I knew it, I felt it, and overanalyzed everything to twist it into a pregnancy symptom.

So I was talking to Lindsay today about my mother and her crazy antics - consisting of every phone call starting with, "Anything you want to tell me?" No Mom, I'm not pregnant. I told you when I was I wouldn't be telling you right away anyway, you would wait until the heartbeat. So what happens about an hour later?

"Hi Megan!"
"Hi Mom."
"Anything you want to tell me?"

No Mother. I'm fucking miserable, depressed as hell, haven't showered in two days, and don't want to do anything except lay in bed and continue to be miserable. Since my doctor is such a douchebag as well, there's nothing that can be done until the new and ultra popular doctor can fit me it. I'm busted. But thanks for calling and checking, aka rubbing it in.

"NO."

Ugh, why did I have to give in with TTC and tell her? I'll never hear the end of it. Please woman, you have one grandchild on the way, and it took her 14 months to get there. Let that be enough and please get off my ass about it.

Chris has finally realized how bad off I am tonight. He kept asking what was wrong all week, but when he came home and I was in sweatpants and a t-shirt still, he asked why I was still like that.

"Didn't you go out today?"
"Nope."
"Really? Today was gorgeous. Perfect convertible weather."
"WHY DIDN'T YOU CALL ME?"
::Laughs:: "You wanted me to call you and tell you about the weather? You do have windows you know."
"The curtains are closed. How am I supposed to know?"

That's when the worry began.

I miss him. I see him every night, yet I feel like I never get to see him. We're busy all this weekend, but he has off on Tuesday. Hopefully we'll be able to just hang out.

I just want to be myself again.

I've lost myself in the past 2 weeks. I can't seem to get out of this funk! All I want to do is lay in bed, and sleep the day away. I find I can't even get out long enough to be on AIM and BOTB. A post here and there, but I most definitely will not be on the post whore list this week. I haven't even had my coffee yet today, and it's not 2:30 in the afternoon. I feel like I'm lost, like I'm on an impossible mission, and all this will not be helping me get pregnant. I can't change it. The fear that I am broken is overwhelming me to the point of not being able to function. I hate it. I hate feeling like this, there are so many people more worse off than I am, and yet all I can think is I'm broken. I'm hoping this will go away, although it might take me until my new doctor's appointment. I think that's having an effect as well, since my doctor couldn't be bothered to help. It's a helpless and out of control feeling, like I have no say in my life and what is happening with my body. I think I just figured out what is going on with me.

Maybe now I can get my butt of out bed and go to the grocery store.

Today is a bad day.

It doesn't help that it's raining, cold, and nasty, all I want to do is get back in bed. As a matter of fact, I am going to as soon as I'm done this entry. I don't know what is wrong with me. I can't get over this feeling of complete and total brokenness. I hate this feeling, and I just want to sleep it off.

I just realized last night that the cycle before we started trying was only 15 days. I kept track of my cycles beginning CD1, 01.08.08, and though back. I had started spotting on 12.23.07, which would make CD 1 12.24.07. Whopping total of 15 days, just yet another warning sign of something is wrong with my body.

I'm so sick and tired of trying to conceive. It's not supposed to be this hard. How is it that my mother could not stop getting pregnant, and that my sister had an accidental, and yet I have problems? True, my other sister took 14 months. On the same note, she's 37 and had been on the pill for 20 years. It took her that long just to regulate, and add advanced maternal age, all those factors I do not share with her.

I'm just fucking broken.

Mother's Day Dread

I feel so stupid.

Since I'm such an idiot and let myself get all psyched up last cycle, convinced this was it for me, I am dreading this holiday.

I have a bad feeling I'm be crying in my sister's bathroom, watching her in all her pregnant glory, revel in the fact this is her first mother's day. I let myself believe that it would be mine too.

So just as I ruined my own birthday, thinking it would be my BFP day and not day 2 of my period, I will ruin yet another holiday. I will wallow in my own self-pity and think "It should be me too".

I will hide all this, drink like a fish, smoke like a chimney, have every caffeinated beverage in sight, and offer my sister a prenatal. Then I will snuggle my 9 year old niece, wish she was mine, and then go back to counting down the days until my new doctor's appoinyment to figure out why the hell I'm broken.

Even though the appointment is 18 days away, I still will not have ovulated. That'll put me at CD 27 - when most people are all but done with their cycle.

Time for a new doctor.

I have decided I need a new doctor.

I called yesterday to ask a couple questions. After having to wait 27 days to ovulate, it was a total bust when AF showed, leaving me a whopping 9 lay LP. 9 DAYS?! What the hell happened to my 13? Also I had read about Vitex, and thought it could be a good fit for me. It's supposed to help regulate your hormones, aka o earlier, and possibly even lengthen your LP. Great!

So I'm a good little girl and call my doctor. After talking to a nurse, she wrote down my questions, and said the doctor would call me right back.

5 hours later, I get a call.

It's a nurse. The doctor cannot be bothered to talk to me. No don't take the Vitex. We don't really know what's in it. Nope, not worried about your LP either. Cause the doctor said so.

What the hell? I can't get any reasons as to why? Why isn't she worried about a 4 day drop in my LP? If I can't take the vitex, what can I take? Anything? Or apparently I'm just supposed to wait it out until she can be bothered with me again - aka get paid for my visit - when something could have been wrong this whole time?

I've never called there before, I'm not some crazy patient that has a gas pain and demands a pregnancy test. But thanks anyway doc, for making me feel insane and a giant inconvenience.

If the 45 day cycles and everywhere around that was my body's way of saying I'm not normal, I'm thinking the LP drop is my body's way of SCREAMING that something is not right.

Hopefully the new doctor will be able to tell me what's going on. Or at least have a reason for me not to worry. I'd be good with just an explanation.