Finally, the end.

The end of this hell cycle. Official count - 46 days.

Craaaaaaaaamps. Ouch.

I know this might be controversial, but it's my blog so I am saying it anyway.

I want to give up.

I feel like this entire process is torture. I have a beautiful family with my husband and stepson. I have a kid who is not only respectful, polite, kind, decent, funny, and caring, but one who also decided that he was going to make something of himself, and even above and beyond that, is serving his country at the same time. I may not have given birth to him, I may not have seen every minute of his life, but he is my kid. I could not be more proud.

(FYI for anyone who doesn't know me - I have a good relationship with his mom, and even she calls me his "other mom", I'm not stepping on any toes or disrespecting his mother with the "my kid".)

I do feel complete with them. If we were to not have a baby, it doesn't take anything away from me. I would be the same I am now. I wouldn't lose anything, I never had it. It's like Houdini was my chance, and it just didn't come to reality.

I've been overwhelmed and consumed with thoughts of Houdini lately. Maybe this is where this is all stemming from. We bought the dream perfect crib bedding last week - and all I could think was that I would be buying crib bedding right now for Houdini. THIS would be for Houdini. I think buying it was a mistake. I couldn't bear not to have it, but I find myself wandering over to the closet, opening the door, sitting on the floor, and staring at it. I love it, but I hate it.

Chris got me diamond earrings the day we found out I was pregnant. When Houdini's due date was pushed back to April first, it later occured to me that the earrings would symbolize Houdini, his or her birthstone. We picked them up yesterday, and I stared at them. I had them put them in a box, not in my ears. It took me about an hour to work up the courage to put them in. Now I stare at them, loving them, and hating them. I have visions of flushing them down the toilet. So I walk away from the mirror.

I watch my sister and my best friend with their brand new baby girls. I see the pure love freely flowing from every pore in their bodies, I watch their husbands turn to big teddy bears when they reach out for their child, I see their hearts melt. I see the ultimate gift a wife can give her husband, their child, and can physically watch the transformation from a man to a father. I can't give my husband that. I have tried everything I know how, and I still can't give him that.

I just want to give up.