Nerves have settled in.

I'm incredibly nervous for the beta tomorrow.

While being in limbo sucks ass!!, at least it's not a "no".

I'm going to be there AT 8 am, when they open, in hopes I can get the results back the same day. It's not exactly likely, but it's possible. I'm shaking just thinking about it. Quite frankly, I NEED them back tomorrow. It's really not an option.

I'm throwing my sister's baby shower this weekend. That means, all day Friday, I will be at my mom's house, helping her clean, then I have to buy the food, decorate the house, make the food... I really can't take the news while I am doing that. I want to be able to absorb the news, and quite frankly, it will just be way too painful to do all that for a baby shower the day I find out I lost one.

I feel like it will be a no. I know that's bad to think, but honestly, that's my gut. I don't see how I can be earlier. It's just really not possible. I had an external AND internal ultrasound. They would have seen SOMETHING. Somewhere. But I'm empty. I just have this gut feeling that nothing is there.

How much fun can a shower really be when I have just lost my own child? I'm praying for a miracle, and that I am still pregnant, but I can't shake this feeling. And two days will not be enough time for it to settle enough not to seep out into everything I do. It's too fresh, the wound is still bleeding, open, and sore. Yet all I can do is wait.

Waiting game. It's awful. No one should have it. No one should be exposed to this sort of torture. It's better to just KNOW. That's all I want. I just want to KNOW.

Well, no, I want more than that. I want to know I'm still pregnant. I want to know my child is growing and healthy.

But I'll settle for just knowing in general.