Still struggling.

I thought I was ready to wander back to the baby boards... I'm not.

I want this done with. I don't want to feel like this anymore.

I am broken, I am empty, I am shattered, I am alone.

I want nothing more than to spend every waking minute with the new babies around me. I make hour long car drives to go see them, and they kill me. I can't stand not to be around, and I can stand to be around.

I feel like my body is eating itself alive. Every minute of the day I want to cry. I want to curl up, fall asleep, and not wake up until everything has passed. I want to wake up to a world where I am going to be a mother, my husband a father, and everything as it should have been.

My body has failed me. And now, trying to get back on the horse and try again, it is still failing me. All I want is to be me again. I feel like the old me, but shattered into a million pieces in the snow. I don't know how to pick up. I don't know how to glue myself back together. I don't know how to move on.

I was driving home tonight, after leaving my baby niece, and I felt so incredibly miserably numb. I was zoned onto the road, listening, but barely comprehending the music. I wasn't even aware that I was listening to the music until I felt a tear fall.

"Every night you cry yourself to sleep, thinking 'why does this happen to me?'
Why does every moment have to be so hard...."

That's exactly how I feel. I just want it to pass. I just want to be me again.