Long time, no blog...

Well, I've been neglecting the blog for a little bit. It was just too hard to come on here, and see the trials of the pregnancy and miscarriage. It was a very happy time for a little bit, and there are even still times where I find my hand just resting on my stomach like I was still pregnant. I had gotten in the habit when my doctor told me exactly where the sac was, so I didn't want to relive it.

Finally, the whole detailed, graphic, way too much information story:

It started on Sunday afternoon, August 10th. It was the typical cramps, which I didn't think anything about. I had been having cramping the entire time. This too will pass. They progressively got closer together, and more painful. Around 7pm, I even remember posting to Mrs.John on the nest, when she was asking about cramping (she had just gotten her BFP) that mine were getting so bad, I was actually going to take Tylenol for the first time in the pregnancy. I was bleeding red too, but since I had been doing that the entire time, I wasn't worried.

Somewhere around midnight, something was up. These cramps were killing me, with only about 30 seconds relief in between. The bleeding was getting worse. It's okay, I will call the doctor in the morning. This just isn't normal.

1 am. Oh my god, this pain is unnatural. I'm bleeding almost like a period. Pantiliners are not cutting it anymore. I think there is a problem.

2am. Tears. Clots. Dime sized clots. I was posting on the nest for someone to calm me down. I had already had clots, and with the bicornuate uterus, it could still be absolutely nothing. I don't understand the cramping with it, but I could still be normal.

3am. Can't move. Can't breathe. Nickel size clots. The realization finally hits that it is probably over. At this point, the doctor's office will be open in 5 hours. I just need to sleep. I am so tired, I can't handle this right now. I don't even want to let my brain travel there. Turn off the lights, turn off the computer, smash up next to Chris, and the minute I pulled his arm over me, I couldn't stop it. I was bawling. I knew what was happening. He woke up, asked me what was wrong. All I could get out was "I think I am miscarrying". Now? "yea." I couldn't even hear what else he said over the sounds of myself bawling. All I remember is thinking, just try to get some sleep. And somehow, I did.

6am. Chris wakes up for work. Just the slightest movement on the bed woke me up. Immediately I was in tears. It was the most intense pain of my entire life. I cannot even describe the sheer physical intensity of it. Back on the nest. Down 3 tylenol. If I am not miscarrying - that one millionth shot in hell - I am just sticking with the tylenol. Just writhing in pain for the next two hours, nesting.

8am. Call in to the doctor's office. Who's patient are you? Dr. May. Oh, she's on vacation this week. I will have Cheri, the midwife, call you back shortly. She's not in yet.

8:15 am. Phone rings. She's gotten familiar with my chart. "So first I want you to tell me what you think is happening, and then I will tell you what is going on." "I think I'm miscarrying."

Yes, you are.

She proceeds to tell me they've been waiting for it to happen. It was in my chart. With the issues with the ultrasounds, and the lack of development, they were 99.99% sure I was going to, but didn't want to say anything. What if I was that .01%. I kind of wishI had been prepared for the possibility though.

The pain should be gone by 1pm since it had already been so long.

1pm. Still dying. Call in, tell them. Okay, she will call me back.


2pm.



3pm.



4pm. Houdini passed. I went to pee, wiped, and well, that was that. Here was this tissue, about 2 quarters side-by-side in size, where there was supposed to be a baby. What the hell do I do? Flush it? I can't. That was supposed to be my baby. I wrap it up in all but an entire roll of toilet paper, cause, well, it's gross. But it was supposed to be my baby. Chris will be home soon, he can do something with it. But oh my god, the cramps have gotten even worse.


4:30 pm. Back in tears. Call again. Oh Megan, I think someone is calling you right now. Hold on. Yup. Megan, Cheri said that she can schedule you for an ultrasound to see what is going on. I tell her I passed it, it was huge, but now I am dying. I need something stronger.

5:15 pm. Chris arrives home with a full bottle of Vicodin.

The pain continued for days, the bleeding continued for days. I had an ultrasound 2 days later, and found all major tissue had been expelled, only bits left over of what was trying to become a placenta. Two weeks later, I had my post appointment. Good to go... once I get a period.

I have to wait one full cycle. Which, knowing my cycles, with be 6 or 7 weeks. And they say that first period after a m/c can take longer than your normal cycles.

Fantastic.

I just want to get back on with it. I want a baby.