Just got back from the new doctor.

I like her!

She said the 9 day LP was from a weak ovulation. It makes sense, since my temps weren't up as high as usual, just barely above my coverline. There wasn't enough progesterone, there was a problem with the follicle.

She was talking Clomid, but I told her I wasn't ready for that yet - not against it, but wanted to avoid it if I could. She said she'd give it another 3 months, and then she'd put me on it, sine her definition of a regular cycle is less than 35 days - which I have not had one of, but I'm on my way to that this cycle.

The only thing I don't like is that this doctor wouldn't do testing for things like PCOS until a year, even if she puts me on Clomid. I think that's a little strange, but it's just something I would deal with. The other doctor would do testing at 6 months, but then I'd have to deal with her again. No thanks :)

Here's hoping I'm pregnant now! 5 days till testing, if I can hold out that long!

Yay for Ovulation!

Today I hurt. I can't find my Tylenol, but of course I can find 16 bottles of Advil! I'm all kinds of crampy, and my left leg has had that dull cramping all day. Boo. Can't wait until Chris gets home, he'll get me Tylenol! :)

I discovered myself daydreaming about my BFP this cycle, and quickly shut that down. I will NOT do that to myself again! I'm really hoping this is it, of course (or I wouldn't be trying!), but I am keeping myself grounded. `

The husband will not be home until late. I hate when he can't manage a phone call to say he'll be working overtime. Eh, maybe I'll go shopping.

The day of big news, just not mine :-)

Well, it starts with my stepson - he has decided on the Navy. Yay! I was hoping Navy and not Air Force, strictly on the fact that his dad was, and even though Chris was in the first Gulf War, he was never in combat. The Air Force recruiter was a total dick too. Very "we're so good we don't have to offer you anything, we have enough people". That is a verbatim quote by the way. It was kind of appalling to hear the things that were said. The guy was getting ready to retire, and couldn't give a shit about his job. Chris actually had to track him down, call several times, and show up before they could even talk. Then he wasn't willing to talk job fields until in boot camp. Maybe that's the way the AF works, I don't know, but this guy was an ass. CJ would have to be dropped off at the Recruiter office to take the ASVAB, and then go to boot camp, and then talk job fields. If something wasn't available, he would just be stuck with something for the next 4 or 6 years that he could possibly hate. Not really a good deal. The Navy, however, is practically dating him. They're even going to pick him up, take him to Harrisburg, put him up in a hotel room, take him to dinner, and then next day give him the ASVAB. He'll have a guaranteed job field (what depends on his test scores) before he officially enlists, and he is thinking telecom, just like his dad. The recruiter was really good too, and answered all his questions. Seriously people, if you want people to sign up for the military, at least PRETEND that you like your job. Come on.

Second News Update - Lindsay is having a girl! YAY! Chloe Michelle (tentatively) is on her way! I'm so excited, we were having a serious penis overload on BOTB. It's about time for a girl! That does mean I was wrong in my latest prediction, but in my defense, I did say girl for the first few months. It's only been this last month I've been saying boy. Time to break out the PINK!

Third news update - Sedina (IRL friend) is pregnant with #2! I'm very jealous - she started trying after me - but I'm through the roof excited. Kaleighna, their daughter, is absolutely adorable - a little blondie with BRIGHT light blue/aqua eyes. They do make gorgeous kids, and I can't wait to see what this one looks like! She's due end of January, early February, don't know the exact date yet. She wasn't a crazy charter/OPK/CBEFM/vitamins girl ;) but it is funny since her first was born on February 2nd. Saving money on those birthday parties? ;)

In my world, I did ovulate today! Always a plus. 5 days till my doctor's appointment, so we'll see what happens there, now that the body is working!

Can we say... PEAK?!

That's right people, we have a peak! This means I'll be ovulating on CD 20! That's earlier than I ever have before! So exciting. It's a full 8 days sooner than last time! This is awesome. No crazy sex spree this month either! I'm thinking maybe the blog is magic. I write it, it comes true. In that case, I will be pregnant this cycle! Ya know, I have to cover all my bases. The impatience is getting to me again, although I did wait to o quite patiently! I'm ready to be in the 2WW and just get this cycle over with. If it's not this cycle, I want to move on to the next! I'm ready to get this thing going. Full Speed Ahead!

And the big news is....

My Sweetpea is PREGNANT! YAY SWEETPEA! So exciting, I wanted to scream it! That's awesome. That's why hope has been restored. Now lots of regulars on BOTB are getting pregnant, so I feel like my turn is coming. Who knows, maybe this will be it?

Gender predicitions:
Lindsay - boy (big u/s on 5/22)
Sweetpea - girl
Nerds - boy
Schwandy - girl
Jimmys - boy
Bunnies - boy

We will see how it turns out between now and September. I'd also be willing to bet I'll be eventually having a girl. I've always had this feeling that I'd be raising two little girls. I don't know why, call it woman's intuition, but I've just always seen that in my head. Eh, maybe I'm just crazy. :-)

Baby making has commenced tonight. I feel like I'm slacking, but I know it's for the best. Gotta get them swimmers moving! On the plus side, with all this nasty CM going on, I've got the perfect sperm friendly environment.

Provided they don't get drunk at my uterus' pool table and bar. (Was that you Sweetpea?)

Here's hoping for a baby this time around! This cycle would make it a February baby. If I O on the 24th, that would put my EDD at 2/14 :-)The OPK is getting darker... Just have to wait and see how it all progresses!

Optimism has been renewed.

So I heard some FANTASTIC news, woke up this morning and it was on my phone. This restores my hope in karma! Sometimes things don't work out the way you want them too, but in the end, they still work out. I am sworn to secrecy on this news, although I am sure I'll make a new entry about it when it's out - I AM SO EXCITED!!!

In other news, I am still on High on my CBEFM. I've been neg on the OPK's, but I seem to have this new-found paranoia that I'm not poas properly and that I'm going to miss my peak. Ridiculous I know, since I have always gotten a peak, even cycle 1. I have no idea where this is coming from, but whatever, it's all good.

Now let's just hope I get less than 13 high days this month. I would like to ovulate in a semi-decent time frame. I do have hope that I will though, since it always works out that way. You take your car to the mechanic for a knock, it stops. You take your ovaries to the doctor, and they work like they're supposed to. Here's hoping! :)

Stalk my ovaries.

http://www.fertilityfriend.com/home/Megan1006

This. Is. Nasty.

I'm a freaking CM factory. Every. single. time. I sit down, I feel it. *Squidge* Yup, there's more. It's so gross. I don't understand it, I'm only CD 15, well I guess at this hour it's technically CD 16, but I do NOT ovulate this early. Let's just say I'll being saving myself some money on Pre-seed. I have literally gone through 4 pairs on underwear today, and of course I am out of panty liners, so I have no other option. Looks like laundry day will be coming early this time around.

So officially for this cycle we are trying everything we possibly can. Sex will be every other day at the start of highs, which of course has already started, my vitamins, put him on fertility vitamins, my CBEFM, OPK's, charting, and a new doctor! I can't wait. Hopefully she can give me more than a 'don't worry about it'.

I still feel lost in the journey. I am back to my good old self again for the most part, but I have lost the optimism of trying to conceive. Maybe it will come back after seeing the new doctor, maybe it will come back after I O. I'm just losing that anticipation, that optimism, that excitement, that feeling of exhilaration because you are about to start a whole new part of your life. It's like it's not going to happen. I don't want drugs, I don't want tests, I don't want medical interference, but I would do it all if that's what it would take to get pregnant. All I want is a baby. I have hit that point of the bitterness, the jealousy, the "why not me?". I find it now difficult to plan my sister's shower. I could not be more happy for her, but I've fallen into this pathetic self-pity that is ridiculous yet utterly consuming.

Completed.

The shower drought is over.

I put my stinky butt in the bathtub.

An hour and a half later, I was clean, de-haired, and smelling pretty.

However, now Christopher is asleep and cannot enjoy this fabulousness.

I'm thinking about doing a countdown to my new doctor's appointment. I think it will make me feel better. With all the realizations of my broken body, I really think that's the only thing that will be kicking my butt out of this funk! I really cannot wait. I just need to hear either that I am fine and just wonky as hell, or that I am broken and here's what we are going to do about it. It just feels like I'm burning time, wasting it until someone can tell me what's going on. I don't even have any hope for this cycle. I just know it's not going to work. I do think it's better this way though, after the crazy crash from last cycle that I still am not over. All of this is because I let myself be convinced that last cycle was IT for me. I knew it, I felt it, and overanalyzed everything to twist it into a pregnancy symptom.

So I was talking to Lindsay today about my mother and her crazy antics - consisting of every phone call starting with, "Anything you want to tell me?" No Mom, I'm not pregnant. I told you when I was I wouldn't be telling you right away anyway, you would wait until the heartbeat. So what happens about an hour later?

"Hi Megan!"
"Hi Mom."
"Anything you want to tell me?"

No Mother. I'm fucking miserable, depressed as hell, haven't showered in two days, and don't want to do anything except lay in bed and continue to be miserable. Since my doctor is such a douchebag as well, there's nothing that can be done until the new and ultra popular doctor can fit me it. I'm busted. But thanks for calling and checking, aka rubbing it in.

"NO."

Ugh, why did I have to give in with TTC and tell her? I'll never hear the end of it. Please woman, you have one grandchild on the way, and it took her 14 months to get there. Let that be enough and please get off my ass about it.

Chris has finally realized how bad off I am tonight. He kept asking what was wrong all week, but when he came home and I was in sweatpants and a t-shirt still, he asked why I was still like that.

"Didn't you go out today?"
"Nope."
"Really? Today was gorgeous. Perfect convertible weather."
"WHY DIDN'T YOU CALL ME?"
::Laughs:: "You wanted me to call you and tell you about the weather? You do have windows you know."
"The curtains are closed. How am I supposed to know?"

That's when the worry began.

I miss him. I see him every night, yet I feel like I never get to see him. We're busy all this weekend, but he has off on Tuesday. Hopefully we'll be able to just hang out.

I just want to be myself again.

I've lost myself in the past 2 weeks. I can't seem to get out of this funk! All I want to do is lay in bed, and sleep the day away. I find I can't even get out long enough to be on AIM and BOTB. A post here and there, but I most definitely will not be on the post whore list this week. I haven't even had my coffee yet today, and it's not 2:30 in the afternoon. I feel like I'm lost, like I'm on an impossible mission, and all this will not be helping me get pregnant. I can't change it. The fear that I am broken is overwhelming me to the point of not being able to function. I hate it. I hate feeling like this, there are so many people more worse off than I am, and yet all I can think is I'm broken. I'm hoping this will go away, although it might take me until my new doctor's appointment. I think that's having an effect as well, since my doctor couldn't be bothered to help. It's a helpless and out of control feeling, like I have no say in my life and what is happening with my body. I think I just figured out what is going on with me.

Maybe now I can get my butt of out bed and go to the grocery store.

Today is a bad day.

It doesn't help that it's raining, cold, and nasty, all I want to do is get back in bed. As a matter of fact, I am going to as soon as I'm done this entry. I don't know what is wrong with me. I can't get over this feeling of complete and total brokenness. I hate this feeling, and I just want to sleep it off.

I just realized last night that the cycle before we started trying was only 15 days. I kept track of my cycles beginning CD1, 01.08.08, and though back. I had started spotting on 12.23.07, which would make CD 1 12.24.07. Whopping total of 15 days, just yet another warning sign of something is wrong with my body.

I'm so sick and tired of trying to conceive. It's not supposed to be this hard. How is it that my mother could not stop getting pregnant, and that my sister had an accidental, and yet I have problems? True, my other sister took 14 months. On the same note, she's 37 and had been on the pill for 20 years. It took her that long just to regulate, and add advanced maternal age, all those factors I do not share with her.

I'm just fucking broken.

Mother's Day Dread

I feel so stupid.

Since I'm such an idiot and let myself get all psyched up last cycle, convinced this was it for me, I am dreading this holiday.

I have a bad feeling I'm be crying in my sister's bathroom, watching her in all her pregnant glory, revel in the fact this is her first mother's day. I let myself believe that it would be mine too.

So just as I ruined my own birthday, thinking it would be my BFP day and not day 2 of my period, I will ruin yet another holiday. I will wallow in my own self-pity and think "It should be me too".

I will hide all this, drink like a fish, smoke like a chimney, have every caffeinated beverage in sight, and offer my sister a prenatal. Then I will snuggle my 9 year old niece, wish she was mine, and then go back to counting down the days until my new doctor's appoinyment to figure out why the hell I'm broken.

Even though the appointment is 18 days away, I still will not have ovulated. That'll put me at CD 27 - when most people are all but done with their cycle.

Time for a new doctor.

I have decided I need a new doctor.

I called yesterday to ask a couple questions. After having to wait 27 days to ovulate, it was a total bust when AF showed, leaving me a whopping 9 lay LP. 9 DAYS?! What the hell happened to my 13? Also I had read about Vitex, and thought it could be a good fit for me. It's supposed to help regulate your hormones, aka o earlier, and possibly even lengthen your LP. Great!

So I'm a good little girl and call my doctor. After talking to a nurse, she wrote down my questions, and said the doctor would call me right back.

5 hours later, I get a call.

It's a nurse. The doctor cannot be bothered to talk to me. No don't take the Vitex. We don't really know what's in it. Nope, not worried about your LP either. Cause the doctor said so.

What the hell? I can't get any reasons as to why? Why isn't she worried about a 4 day drop in my LP? If I can't take the vitex, what can I take? Anything? Or apparently I'm just supposed to wait it out until she can be bothered with me again - aka get paid for my visit - when something could have been wrong this whole time?

I've never called there before, I'm not some crazy patient that has a gas pain and demands a pregnancy test. But thanks anyway doc, for making me feel insane and a giant inconvenience.

If the 45 day cycles and everywhere around that was my body's way of saying I'm not normal, I'm thinking the LP drop is my body's way of SCREAMING that something is not right.

Hopefully the new doctor will be able to tell me what's going on. Or at least have a reason for me not to worry. I'd be good with just an explanation.