Houdini's Due Date

Don't get me wrong, never in my life have I felt more complete than with my son wriggling around inside me.

But at the same time, I feel so empty knowing that there was supposed to be another child, my child, who is not here. Who was supposed to be here. Even if I could go back and change it, I wouldn't, or I wouldn't have Cole. That of course brings a ton of guilty feelings, like saying that means I didn't want Houdini. I know that is not what it means, but it FEELS like that.

But I wish in some way I could have them both.

I was supposed to have a baby now.

It's weird, the feelings that come with this. I wish someone could just tell me how to feel, how I am supposed to feel. People always say that kids don't come with a handbook - neither does a miscarriage. You don't even know if you are "allowed" to be feeling this. At the same time, the guilt. The guilt of, I think about Houdini less now that I can feel Cole all the time. I have by no means forgotten my sweet baby, but the sadness is softened by the joy of Cole coming. I still think about Houdini all the time, but since the sadness isn't so life-consuming any longer, it brings feelings of guilt to replace that.

I just wish I knew how I was SUPPOSED to feel.