Long time, no blog!

Yeah, it's been a while. I'm a slacker.

Well, I've been kinda taking a break from this craziness know as TTC. I didn't chart until I got highs, and I'll only chart until O is confirmed - which should be three days from now! :) That's right ladies, today is ovulation day. I got the darkest positive on an OPK yesterday, so it was quite fantastic. We're sticking with the every other day for sex stuff, since Chris is passed out next to me right now. Although I might awaken him just for some extra last minute contributions :)

I'm so very 'whatever' this month. I'm not all worked up about TTC anymore, and honestly, this is the happiest I've been since we've started. It's a big relief. It didn't bother me to see my friend who got pregnant after trying for way less time than we have.

I even handled a 'family' picnic well. It was my SIL's (my brother's wife) family picnic, more friends than family though, and all of my family came as well. When I sat down to eat, from right to left, we had pregnant, pregnant, pregnant, new mom, mom of a 9 year old, and back to me. Not to mention, the 4 girls (3 pregnant and 1 newborn girls) did NOT stop talking about their pregnancies, and comparing notes, due dates, what have you experienced, have you eaten deli meat, etc. It drove me nuts for about 25 minutes, then I walked away, took a break, and was fine again.

It really was like a scene out of a movie though. Chris kept shooting me looks, like "Do you need to escape?" and "What kind of luck is it that you are in the middle of this?" I love him for those exact reasons, but I was really okay. I'm sure if I had my period it would have been different, but I was all good.

There is craziness come up in the next month. So many things to do, so little time! On top of it all, my transmission in my car crapped out. I need to get a new one! Too much money. That throws a wrench into things! Plus my sister's baby shower, a friend's wedding, Lindsay's baby shower, July 4th, my other sister's birthday... Not enough time this summer! I feel it slipping away... I'm excited for all of it, but where has the time gone?! Is it seriously July already?!

Time for bed.

Wish me luck! Here's to getting pregnant!

And now I'm smoking.

I lost my motivation. I lost the drive. I screwed up the patch one day, slipped up, and I couldn't stick with it. I'm going to give it a few days and try again. Today was the first full day of not smoking since the slip, and I just couldn't do it. I didn't have the willpower to fight off that pull toward it. I'm now 'practicing'. I'm still fighting the urges, and only giving in when I get SUPER bitchy.

Right now I am completely exhausted. I just spent an outrageous amount of time tonight chopping, slicing, and making food. My legs actually HURT from standing so long. Flashback to working retail! I'd be fine walking that long, but not just standing. Ick.

All this is stemming from being the oldest 25 year old in the entire world. I have a kid that graduated high school, and is now enlisted in the Navy. Now I'm running my ass off to get everything done for the party because his mother is just NOT together on this. She just gave me a list of things we should bring (and coordinate with the rest of the family!) while she's doing practically nothing. We don't even know the official time yet - it's either 2 or 3. Fantastic. Man, she is such an airhead. I don't know why she didn't just let us handle this.

No I take that back, I do. CJ is a month and a half off his 18th birthday, and going into boot camp before that. She's trying desperately to be the 'cool parent' but at the same time calling him 'her baby' at the Navy recruiter! She was all upset that I took him to the recruiter's for his ASVAB instead of her husband - who CJ HATES - like I was interfering on their bonding time or something. She's now into the super clingy phase, where she is realizing 'her baby' is growing up and doesn't want to let go. Not to mention, as soon as CJ ships out, that connection to Chris is gone. In her efforts to be cool and hang on to all 3 of us, it's just become outrageously annoying - to all 3 of us. She acts like I'm her best fucking friend - I do NOT want to know about your sex life! CJ will most likely leave in less than a month. We find out on Saturday. Less than a month, and he's already talking about moving in with us to get away from her.

Example of the uh, 'coolness' : She said as a graduation present to CJ, she is going to get a tattoo of an anchor on her ankle, to show her support.

All 3 of us just stared at her for about a minute, then laughed.

Not even the guys IN the Navy get tattoos of an anchor. Plus, she would rather CJ be bagging groceries at the store than go in the Navy, and tells him this every chance she gets. She was refusing to let him go in to boot camp before his 18th birthday, until Chris ripped her a new one. Now she continually tells him how "she'll let him, but she won't be happy about it..." The kid is already enlisted! He's excited! DO NOT make him dread this - he's already sworn in, he has a military ID, you can't get him out of it now anyways, so SHUT UP!

She's becoming unbearable. Sorry if this all seems petty, but there is so much that goes on DAILY that I cannot even begin to write it all. On top of all of this, she is just in general, outrageously loud and obnoxious. That doesn't help it all either. :::Deep Breath::: One more month.

I will feel much better once the graduation party is over though.

On a really funny side note - When Christopher got back from the recruiter's, he gave me a bumper sticker that said "Proud Parent of a Sailor". When I took him home later that day, Deanna asked what he got, he told her his shirt, hat, and bumper stickers - she asked him for one. He told her No, they were going in his room! I was DYING!

Horrid day, but not smoking!

I am so sick, I cannot breathe. This really old air conditioner in our room is crapping out. It cannot keep up with the heat and humidity here! There are also no other a/c's in the windows yet, as this is quite the early heat wave. This would be fine, I would put the a/c in if I could manage to get up the 2 flights of stairs with it, aka no sickness. And of course, they messed up Chris' schedule, so he was working until 9 - which turned out to be 10 - and he is still not home yet. Not to mention, the entire Susquehanna Valley was out of cell phone service today - which is my ONLY phone - because some idiot cut a fiber line up here. Fantastic. Add all of this on to the baby shower drama, hand writing all those notes, and just for a cherry on top - I'm quitting smoking.

I've been really good with it, but honestly, I don't know how much more of this I can take. There are only so many things that can happen at once. At this point, I am MISSING my smokes. It was somehow comforting. I know it isn't really, but yet, it was. However, there were only about 4 times today I went to mindlessly grab for my pack. It's been over 36 hours since my last cigarette, which is further than I have made it in quite a long time. The longest has been 4 days, which was in my first 2ww. I was completely naive and convinced that I was pregnant, so I stopped. Needless to say, the first day of my period I fell right back to them. I never was able to fully quit in the 2ww again, with that 'It probably didn't work anyway' mindset. I continually cut back, and I would be down to less than 1/2 a pack a day, and then I would get my period. Back up to a full pack. It's an addiction, what did I expect?

I always said once that motivation was there, I would quit. The motivation was a baby. Hence the fact I was able to quit in the first 2ww. Now, after 4 unproductive (or un-reproductive?) cycles, my new motivation is getting pregnant. It affects fertility. I knew that. I just never thought it would happen to me.

Some kind of Progress.

Yay! Boo. No, yay! No, boo.

AF is finally here. She made her grand appearance in the form of pinkish-brown spotting at 11:53 pm. Now I sit here at 1:00 am exactly, with a bottle of fuck-you-uterus Advil, a whole bag fuck-you-stomach popcorn, and a big cup of fuck-you-body instant iced tea. It's literally so big I could swim in it. Or at least wash my hair.

However, with all of that, I do consider this an improvement. That may seem strange, yet it is a fact of my journey that I am strangely proud of. While I believe that no woman should have to hit this point, I have arrived to the place where I don't cry about my period. It is a fact now that I am not pregnant. It's not devastation, it's not crushing disappointment, it's now longer a feeling of how can I be THIS broken. It just. simply. IS. My period is now a statement, a fact, a truth. It is not a verb, it is not a state of being.

Just this past week, I have heard from 6 different people "it will happen as soon as you relax". Sweetpea, I am not including you in this paragraph (FYI). Really. My doctor wants to put me on fertility drugs, my cycles have yet to fall in the normal range, I've had a weak ovulation last cycle which my doctor has determined as a problem in my follicular phase, and my LP can't seem to find a happy place. Glad to know that all of that is null and void if I only RELAX. You've GOT to be kidding me. I never thought I would hit that point of people saying it to me. My brother even said that to me today. Have you tried to have kids? No. Shut up, go away, and come back to me when you are broken. I swear, people don't get it.

If you haven't been through it, I don't want to hear your theory. If you got got pregnant accidentally, I don't want to hear how it happened for you. If you pregnant in your first month, I don't want to hear that all you had to do was time it right. If you got pregnant in your second cycle, I don't want to hear that you just ditched the lube and took your vitamins. Or in today's case, became obsessed with David Cook instead of TTC. Talk to me when it took you more than 6 months to get pregnant. Tell me what you did, how you did it, and I will try it. If you've lived through it, I am all ears. Until then...

SHUT UP!

It's official - AF needs to die.

I can handle my period. I can handle cramps with my period. I cannot handle these KILLER crazy bad cramps with no period. At least when I have my period I can know I am moving on toward ovulation. These cramps are strictly unproductive, a warning of the inevitable. Can we at least get this party rolling and move on to the next cycle?

In other news, I'm becoming a vegetarian. Well, kind of. :) Chris and I kept joking about how we could become vegetarians since we LOOOOOVE our veggies. Well, now that we aren't pregnant again, there's only one thing left to try - the sperm diet essentially. Lots of veggies, especially dark green ones, are supposed to be really good for sperm production. Not to mention high in folic acid for me! Hopefully I'll also lose some weight in the process. I doubt it, I love my veggies in butter! Or with Parmesan cheese - the real stuff - or green bean casserole. My favorites! Or spinach in cream of chicken soup (the one meat 'product' if you can call it that, that we agreed will stay!) Or a spinach alfredo. Mmmm, that's dinner tomorrow night. Looks like I am going to need to go shopping! We're going to be what I call "at-home" vegetarians. It will be our primary source of food and we won't cook meat at home, but we aren't objecting to it or anything of the sort.

So I am guessing AF will show up tomorrow, unless my body is in full out revolt stage, in which case my LP will be really long just to push my cycle outside the normal range :) In which case, I'm finding out where I can return my uterus for a new one!

Baby shower madness!

I've gotten so much done today for my sister's shower, that I am utterly EXHAUSTED! Today alone, I have finished stuffing the invites, sealed them, stickered them, stamped them, mailed them, bought extra favors, ordered the advice cards, confirmed the other favors delivery, addressed all thank you cards (tradition over here, the shower host addresses the thank you's for the mom in advance), bought the thank you cards before that obviously, bought the forks and knives, tablecloths, decorations for the house, tent, and mommy chair... I also went to Yankee Candle and got the 'prizes'. One sand 'n sun candle, and my newest obsession, Island Spa. Yummy! Now I have to finish the diaper cake tomorrow, which should be easy enough, it's 90% done. Then I just have to wait on stuff to get here so I can finish stuffing the favor bags. I really am exhausted after all this! It is all worth it though, some of this stuff is SO amazingly cute! I'm working with a light pink, hot pink, and purple as colors with baby footprints as the theme. Butterflies are tied in here and there, since her bedding has butterflies on it. Wanna see some of the cuteness? :)

The invites, custome designed. Same woman did my wedding invites, Katrina, papermilldesigns.com:

I think I am out this cycle.

I have been having crazy cramping. It's like AF is holding her impending doom over my head. I've been weak, tested, and it's a BFN. I'm only 10 DPO, so you never *really* know, but it feels like all the others. On the bright side, at least this time I didn't set myself up. Sadly, I kinda seems easier this time around. I'm getting used to it. It still sucks by all means, but I just don't think it's as bad as it has been. I knew eventually this cycle would come, and while it's upsetting, it's a big relief at the same time.