6.20.2011

Resurrection of the Blog

After much neglect - a year's worth to be exact - I had no plans to return.

It's been a long struggle.  In the end however, I have two gorgeous boys, an awesome husband, and what many would look upon as a perfect life.  On one hand, I know how lucky I am.  On the other, I'm not happy.  I'm struggling.  It's been a challenge since the start - struggling to get pregnant, a miscarriage, a rough pregnancy with Cole, what we believed to be PPD, another struggle to get pregnant, a downward spiral while pregnant with Owen, and repeat pregnancy issues with Owen.  To the point where, the day Owen was born, my Celexa was doubled.  Shortly thereafter, I was also put on Xanax, got a psychiatrist, got a therapist, and now, moving to the blog. 

I have struggled particularly with catastrophic thoughts.  When the meds aren't enough, I easily find myself wishing and hoping there would be some serious accident that I would just happen to die in.  When the meds are enough, I am in constant panic that I'm about to die in some freak accident.  I'll elaborate more later.  I also have serious control issues.  In an attempt to not up the meds even more, we are trying to work through it in therapy.  I am very easily frustrated and find solace in the thought of running away.  Escaping would be too easy for me - I really need to work on not checking out.

I'm actually appalled that these thoughts come so easily, and that they can be so comforting.  What kind of mom, in a moment of her almost 2 year old's tantrum, gets relief in the thought that she could leave this all in a heartbeat?  I never wanted to be anything but a mom.  Okay, maybe a famous singer or actress too, but the number one goal was to be a mom.  I look at my boys, and I am amazed with them all the time - but one wrong move, one scream, one tantrum, and I could drop everything and run away in a second. 

So, in an effort to retrain my brain's way of thinking, my therapist has me doing certain exercises - and one of the most important is to air out the feelings.  A journal of sorts - so I can look back and see the distorted thoughts my brain creates. 

Enter the blog.

Welcome back, interweb stalkers.  <3

1 comments:

Mitzi G. said...

I am sorry that you are going through such a rough time but I have to applaude you for speaking about it is such an open forum!!

I can't say that I look forward to your posts since they sound so heartbreaking but hope that they help you find the inner peace that you need!!