Bad Day

I'm having a bad day. A very bad day. And I haven't had one in a while.

I HATE THIS.

I hate feeling like this. And now that I am on the way up, it aches that I feel like this. Today, I did not want to be with Cole. I just needed a little time without whine. Or with wine. Anything, but I needed a break. However, this made me hurt. It hurt so bad. My little boy is in pain - poor guy is cutting 6 teeth at once - and I wanted to run away. It tore me to shreds to not want to scoop him up and make it better. Instead, I wanted to turn around and walk outside. I wanted to want to be Mommy... but I didn't want to. And I couldn't make myself. I was so relieved when Chris came home and I didn't have to take care of him anymore.

I hate myself for that.

I want to want to take care of him 24/7. I want to hate that he's a total daddy's boy, but sometimes, it is such a relief. I want even higher meds. I want this to all go away. I want to be the mom I feel like I would be underneath all of this.

I have these moments. These moments of sheer bliss, where I LOVE being a mom. I can stare at my little bug and all is right. I made that. That beautiful, amazing creature that crawls up my leg, that grabs both sides of my face slobbers all over my face for a kiss (and sometimes bites!) and that finds the vacuum the most fascinating thing in the world. This happy little guy calls me Momma. Those moments make every ounce of this worth it. When he first wakes up from nap, where he's still rubbing his eyes, but catches a glimpse of me and smiles before burying his face in his blanket. Those moments, this black cloud doesn't exist.

I'm getting better. I am. I am getting MUCH better. I don't have intrusive thoughts, I don't obsess nearly as much, I can focus on one thing much easier - and those moments EXIST. More often than anything else, there are those moments of bliss. My baby is my world, and not just because he has to be. I WANT him to be. I love being with him. I love playing and bonding with him.

Most of the time.