Had to say goodbye to an old friend.

My little Lucy, also known as Piggy, or the Wuce wuce, ^the little white one, is gone. We took her to the Humane Society today and had her put down. She had a ton of issues, congestive heart failure, fluid in the lungs, narrowing of the trachea, almost completely deaf and blind... but the cancer of the mammary chain was what did her in.

She started the day off right... With 2 cans of food (the good stuff - porterhouse steak) instead of a half, half a beer, more treats than she's ever had in her life, and constant loving because I couldn't put her down.

When we took her to the Humane Society - as I bawled like a baby - she promptly entered and peed on the floor. That's my girl! She hung around with us for a while, then they took her back. We brought her home afterwards, and buried her in the backyard, curled up in a little ball how she always slept, and tucked her bowl in with her.

You were the best little dog Lucy. I still love you to pieces, and you can't imagine how much I am going to miss you. Hopefully by now you are up in doggy heaven, shaking the shit out of a squirrel that you just caught. I miss you baby dog.

So far, so good!

Well, there is no spotting, no bleeding, so I am feeling good. It was right before 5 weeks that I had my first incident with spotting last time, so I am keeping my fingers crossed.

I had my second round of betas today. I haven't even gotten my numbers back from the first round! Thanksgiving interference. Now I have to wait until Monday to hear anything.

I have had a lot of cramping. Painful, uncomfortable cramping. I forgot how much pregnancy can hurt. The cramps in turn, terrify me. Have me waiting for the blood. There has been nothing. Let's keep it that way little one. Please?

Apparently... Pregnant.

Well folks, it seems that I am pregnant.

Again.

Let's hope things work out this time around.

I will continue to be terrified until my first u/s, followed by passing 8 weeks. Once we hit those milestones, I think we will be fine.

But for now, here's my proof:

LOL, I love that I'm being stalked by proxy.

I think it's hysterical.

Cracks my shit up.

:::waves to Exton, Pennsylvania:::

Way to go, America. NOT.

That is really all I have to say about it.

I look forward to waiting for all of these promises to come to life.

He promised things he doesn't have the power to do.





So now what?

Voted!

It took a lot of really hard work, but I did it.

I got up out of bed, managed to throw on a sweater and jeans, walked across the street (how inconvenient!) had to explain how I legally had 2 different names (since I still haven't changed my last name on my SS card yet - lazy!) and filled in my little black boxes.

I need a nap now. :)

Hypersensitive.

Yes, oversensitive doesn't describe it. Hypersensitive I am.

So that rambling of last night actually came from an Ooops ticker. I know she doesn't mean it like this, it's just one freakin word, but when I see that above a pregnancy ticker...

It's like the big bitch of high school comes over to you, knocks your fruit punch all over you in your all white outfit and says "Ooops!" and runs off to laugh about what she just did.

And to see that she was upset about it killed me.

I'm sorry if you are reading this, it's nothing against you, but I gotta get it out.

Still struggling.

I thought I was ready to wander back to the baby boards... I'm not.

I want this done with. I don't want to feel like this anymore.

I am broken, I am empty, I am shattered, I am alone.

I want nothing more than to spend every waking minute with the new babies around me. I make hour long car drives to go see them, and they kill me. I can't stand not to be around, and I can stand to be around.

I feel like my body is eating itself alive. Every minute of the day I want to cry. I want to curl up, fall asleep, and not wake up until everything has passed. I want to wake up to a world where I am going to be a mother, my husband a father, and everything as it should have been.

My body has failed me. And now, trying to get back on the horse and try again, it is still failing me. All I want is to be me again. I feel like the old me, but shattered into a million pieces in the snow. I don't know how to pick up. I don't know how to glue myself back together. I don't know how to move on.

I was driving home tonight, after leaving my baby niece, and I felt so incredibly miserably numb. I was zoned onto the road, listening, but barely comprehending the music. I wasn't even aware that I was listening to the music until I felt a tear fall.

"Every night you cry yourself to sleep, thinking 'why does this happen to me?'
Why does every moment have to be so hard...."

That's exactly how I feel. I just want it to pass. I just want to be me again.