Blog Makeover!

After months of drooling all over Blair's blog, but not wanting to deal with all the hassle of switching it over, I finally decided my fingers could be lazy no longer.

Pretty new blog!

The only problem is that stupid picture in my header from my last blog. I have looked all over in an attempt to find the html for it, but somehow it seems like it is embedded in my damn blog. I't ruining the look of it, it angers me.

Well, now I am in Pittsburgh. Chris was supposed to be home for good this past weekend, but it turns out he'll be here for another MONTH. Needless to say, there was no way I was going to be sitting at home for two straight months with no husband.

So we kenneled the dogs, packed us both up, and drove out to the hotel. It was really sweet - Chris had told the hotel staff that he was bringing me up, that it was going to be our anniversary coming up. When we walked into the hotel room, there was a bottle of champagne on ice, two glasses, and a card signed by all the hotel staff! I guess they really like the Verizon guys out here - hey, whatever, free booze for me! :)

First morning here sucked though - I slept in, but the husband forgot to bring me up half and half for my coffee. AKA - no coffee. I'm having a morning HOT CHOCOLATE. Delicious, but SO not coffee! We have to run out to Target tonight anyway, so I'll get some there, I just miss my coffee.

Still no peak on the CBEFM either. Still just a high, I don't even know how many that makes... enough with the tease already, he's been here for 4 days, just gimme a damn peak!!

Well, if anyone knows how to get that picture out, feel free to leave advice. I might go try to take a nap, I'm feeling prreeeeettty damn cranky. :)

And today would have been...

The first day of the second trimester. Houdini would have been 1/3 of the way here. I would be so close to feeling movement inside me. The morning sickness might have been fading, might have been gone. Today would have been a major milestone.

Instead, today is nothing, but cycle day 9. The first day of peeing on the CBEFM sticks. The first day marked "low" on my chart.

Chart.

I should be pregnant, not charting.

PERIOD!!

For once in my life, I am so excited it is finally here!!

I shouldn't say finally. That's the second exciting part. Everything says your first post cycle will be longer. I was only 30 days! That's shorter than I have had... EVER!

Well, this is my last blog before Chicago. I'm getting on a plane in 16 hours. Normally I have no fear of flying, but I'm a little nervous since it is September 11th. And Chicago has the Sears tower and all. Eh, whatever. I can't do anything about it, and my stepson is worth it. Deep breaths.

Okay, time to get to sleep. I have to pick up the husband tomorrow in the morning.

Bye for now!

Crap. She did it again.

And so it goes....

I've been tagged by Sweetpea. The Rules:

1. Link to the person who tagged you
2. Post the rules to your blog
3. Write 6 random things about yourself
4. Tag 6 people at the end of your post and link to them
5. Let each person you have tagged know by leaving a comment on their blog.
6. Let the tagger know when your entry is posted.

6 random things about me:

1.) I recently have developed a new love that I never thought would occur. I suddenly have no desire to wear my engagement ring. I still love it to pieces, but I suddenly love just my wedding ring by itself.

2.) I too, cannot sleep with socks on. Whenever I get tired, all of a sudden, my feet get incredibly hot. Like, burning. When I was little, I used to unzip my footy sleepers and pull my legs out. My mom figured out what was going on when she would wake me up every morning, and only my arms would be in my pajamas. It was like a cape at that point.

3.) I am such a 1950s housewife. I love having dinner on the table when my husband comes in the door. I love being a stay at home wife, and the whole June Clever aspect. Because I do this, I believe I am also the ultimate feminist, in a backwards way. I choose to do it, and everyday I have people telling me how wrong it is and how I should start a business, or go to work at least part-time, blah blah blah. I have to fight against the new stereotype everyday, where it is suddenly no longer okay to be a SAHW. Where the ultimate feminist part comes in, I think a woman should be able to choose whatever she wants to do, including NOT work.

4.) I am unhealthily attached to my husband, and he is to me. We don't go out separately, we don't have boy nights or girl nights, and just being apart from each other for this past week has reduced us both - and yes, I said BOTH - to tears. I've never been sick of him - I love when he's home on vacation and I have him 24/7.

5.) I have an irrational hate for doing laundry. Even though I am a SAHW, I still manage to weasel my way into talking my husband into doing it for me. I have no idea what my objection is to it, but I would rather burn my clothes after wearing them and be stuck with nothing, than to do laundry. It's been close.

6.) I am unexplainably afraid of making phone calls. I have a strange paranoia with it. Even while DH was in Pittsburgh on Saturday, he called into the Chinese place down the street - from 4 hours away - to call and order it for me. I hate the phone. You will usually have to call me about 10 times before I will ever call you. I have no idea why, but I am very uncomfortable on the phone. I will physically start shaking and take about 10 minutes to psych myself up if I have to call somewhere I am not regularly calling.

Okay, again with the tagbacks. Let's go with Monkey, Danse, Blair, Griffin, Rachi, and Boobz.

Sweetpea made me do it.

I've been tagged too... a while ago, but I was neglecting the blog. Now that I am back, here goes.

1. Where is your cell phone? Next to me on my table

2. Your significant other? I miss him at the moment.

3. Your hair? messy

4. Your mother? Paranoid.

5. Your father? aww, my daddy.

6. Your favorite thing? At this particular moment, coffee and a cigarette.

7. Your dream last night? I don't remember it.

8. Your favorite drink? Coffee, grape soda, orange soda, grape kool-aid... I can't choose!

9. Your dream/goal? Kids.

10. The room you're in? Bedroom.

11. Your hobby? Nesting.

12. Your fear? Another m/c.

13. Where do you want to be in 6 years? In a new house with 2 kids running around the backyard with the dogs.

14. What you're not? Disloyal.

15. Muffins? Lemon poppyseed. But only the inside mushy parts. I give DH the outside.

16. One of your wish list items? A new bedroom set, new carpeting, new floors throughout... too many to list.

17. Where you grew up? Norristown, PA

18. The last thing you did? Lit myself a cigarette.

19. What are you wearing? Dh's t-shirt and pink polka dot pj shorts.

20. Favorite Gadget? My LG shine cell phone. Lurve.

21. Your pet? Which one? I have 4.

22. Your computer? POS!!! Need a new one.

23. Your mood? Lonely.

24. Missing someone? Husband, excessively.

25. Your car? VW cabrio.

26. Something you are not wearing? Socks?

27. Favorite Store? Target

28. Like someone? Friends

29. Your favorite color? Blue

30. When is the last time you laughed? Today

31. Last time you cried? 2 days ago. My husband told me he was missing me, played our wedding song, and it made him cry. That made me cry.

So, now to tag others... Monkey, Danse, Boobz, and Blair. DO IT! :)

Long time, no blog...

Well, I've been neglecting the blog for a little bit. It was just too hard to come on here, and see the trials of the pregnancy and miscarriage. It was a very happy time for a little bit, and there are even still times where I find my hand just resting on my stomach like I was still pregnant. I had gotten in the habit when my doctor told me exactly where the sac was, so I didn't want to relive it.

Finally, the whole detailed, graphic, way too much information story:

It started on Sunday afternoon, August 10th. It was the typical cramps, which I didn't think anything about. I had been having cramping the entire time. This too will pass. They progressively got closer together, and more painful. Around 7pm, I even remember posting to Mrs.John on the nest, when she was asking about cramping (she had just gotten her BFP) that mine were getting so bad, I was actually going to take Tylenol for the first time in the pregnancy. I was bleeding red too, but since I had been doing that the entire time, I wasn't worried.

Somewhere around midnight, something was up. These cramps were killing me, with only about 30 seconds relief in between. The bleeding was getting worse. It's okay, I will call the doctor in the morning. This just isn't normal.

1 am. Oh my god, this pain is unnatural. I'm bleeding almost like a period. Pantiliners are not cutting it anymore. I think there is a problem.

2am. Tears. Clots. Dime sized clots. I was posting on the nest for someone to calm me down. I had already had clots, and with the bicornuate uterus, it could still be absolutely nothing. I don't understand the cramping with it, but I could still be normal.

3am. Can't move. Can't breathe. Nickel size clots. The realization finally hits that it is probably over. At this point, the doctor's office will be open in 5 hours. I just need to sleep. I am so tired, I can't handle this right now. I don't even want to let my brain travel there. Turn off the lights, turn off the computer, smash up next to Chris, and the minute I pulled his arm over me, I couldn't stop it. I was bawling. I knew what was happening. He woke up, asked me what was wrong. All I could get out was "I think I am miscarrying". Now? "yea." I couldn't even hear what else he said over the sounds of myself bawling. All I remember is thinking, just try to get some sleep. And somehow, I did.

6am. Chris wakes up for work. Just the slightest movement on the bed woke me up. Immediately I was in tears. It was the most intense pain of my entire life. I cannot even describe the sheer physical intensity of it. Back on the nest. Down 3 tylenol. If I am not miscarrying - that one millionth shot in hell - I am just sticking with the tylenol. Just writhing in pain for the next two hours, nesting.

8am. Call in to the doctor's office. Who's patient are you? Dr. May. Oh, she's on vacation this week. I will have Cheri, the midwife, call you back shortly. She's not in yet.

8:15 am. Phone rings. She's gotten familiar with my chart. "So first I want you to tell me what you think is happening, and then I will tell you what is going on." "I think I'm miscarrying."

Yes, you are.

She proceeds to tell me they've been waiting for it to happen. It was in my chart. With the issues with the ultrasounds, and the lack of development, they were 99.99% sure I was going to, but didn't want to say anything. What if I was that .01%. I kind of wishI had been prepared for the possibility though.

The pain should be gone by 1pm since it had already been so long.

1pm. Still dying. Call in, tell them. Okay, she will call me back.


2pm.



3pm.



4pm. Houdini passed. I went to pee, wiped, and well, that was that. Here was this tissue, about 2 quarters side-by-side in size, where there was supposed to be a baby. What the hell do I do? Flush it? I can't. That was supposed to be my baby. I wrap it up in all but an entire roll of toilet paper, cause, well, it's gross. But it was supposed to be my baby. Chris will be home soon, he can do something with it. But oh my god, the cramps have gotten even worse.


4:30 pm. Back in tears. Call again. Oh Megan, I think someone is calling you right now. Hold on. Yup. Megan, Cheri said that she can schedule you for an ultrasound to see what is going on. I tell her I passed it, it was huge, but now I am dying. I need something stronger.

5:15 pm. Chris arrives home with a full bottle of Vicodin.

The pain continued for days, the bleeding continued for days. I had an ultrasound 2 days later, and found all major tissue had been expelled, only bits left over of what was trying to become a placenta. Two weeks later, I had my post appointment. Good to go... once I get a period.

I have to wait one full cycle. Which, knowing my cycles, with be 6 or 7 weeks. And they say that first period after a m/c can take longer than your normal cycles.

Fantastic.

I just want to get back on with it. I want a baby.