Houdini Baby has been FOUND!

I got the official report from my doctor today.

They found Houdini!

While it is great news, in true Megan fashion, there has to be a little piece of drama that goes along with it. I can't catch a break! LOL.

I have a bicornuate uterus. It's a birth defect (of mine, not my baby's) where my uterus is split down the middle. I was also born with a congenital hip defect, where my ball socket that holds my hip in wasn't formed, so perhaps I shouldn't be too shocked. It's heart shaped. The baby is on the right side of my uterus, and it will only have half the room of a normal uterus to grow in. There a a few different degrees of it, and I'm not sure of how bad mine is, but there are a whole host of risks that come along with it. Early miscarriage, second tri miscarriage, pre-term labor, needing a cerclage, fetal growth retardation, and it's about a 90% chance I'll need a c-section. Well, it's not the ideal situation, but what ever it takes to keep Houdini safe, I'll do it. For now though, he/she is safe, present, and accounted for. It's also pretty much a guarantee I'll be on bed rest at some point, since I already have spotting, it's a pretty good sign that that is in my future. If that's the worst that comes, I'll be grateful.

I'm so lucky to even be pregnant. A BCU is not the end of the world. It will make things more difficult, but the end result is so worth it, so I cannot complain. There are some great women I know that are dealing with IF and would trade spots with me on this roller coaster in an instant. Yet another great thing about the Nest. It's given me an appreciation of other's struggles, and when I think the world is closing in, it provides prospective on the situation. When we thought I was miscarrying, while it was horrible and does not in anyway make it less, there was at least the fact that I could get pregnant. The outcry of support from my girls was incredible. And the outcries of joy when I found out Houdini was still there, and when we just found him/her, was amazing. While I don't them most of them IRL, I consider some of them my best friends. They're always there when I need them, and just because I don't hear their voice, it does not discredit their words in any way. I know that sounds weird, and quite frankly, I never expected a message board to be this much a part of me, but it is. And people hate on BOTB? Not when you get what I've gotten from them.




Right now, my heart goes out to Bada. I'm so sorry hun. No one should have to endure what you are going through. My heart and thoughts are with you girl.



.

Not quite good news yet...

Well, we had the second ultrasound yesterday. There is a gestational sac, but it is empty. We are now in blighted ovum territory. I can't be sure, but this ultrasound tech made me think that there was a gestational sac on the last ultrasound, but I was told there wasn't. Who knows really - either the tech or my doctor misspoke. One way or another, no one knows what is really going on.

The ultrasound tech was really nice, and though she wasn't supposed to say anything, she told me that it was *still* an empty sac (which is why my head spun around...), and that they were probably going to have me do another round of betas, and another ultrasound next week. In other words, there is nothing new, and nothing reassuring. There is still just a holding pattern. I learned my lesson about taking probabilities to heart last time, thinking I had miscarried. This time around, I'm just going to wait it out. One more week won't kill me.

Well, the baby shower went fantastically. Everything was beautiful, my sister loved it, and everything turned out really well. I almost knocked out her sister-in-law, who rolled in thinking that she was going to take it over and decide what Kim should do - when she couldn't even be bothered to RSVP!!! - and was physically PUSHING my 7 month pregnant sister to open presents as soon as she got there. I had to lay down the law - presents get opened with cake. We are NOT going to have people coming in, fighting to climb over people to get to the food table while people are trying to see her open presents... NO! I had to tell her 4 times as she pushed my sister to go open them. Finally after Kim had already agreed with me and started to walk out, I all but screamed NO at her, and she pushed my sister again and said, "Kim, just go open your presents." I SLAMMED my planner book down on the stove, looked at her, and stormed into the backyard. I was going to blow up on her. Apparently I got my point across, because she shut up after that. The girl walked in barking orders, taking stuff out of my hands, and then that?! Hell no. I am the one throwing this party. You couldn't even be bothered to RSVP, let alone offer to help before hand, so DO NOT think you are controlling this.

Bitch.

Anyways, the wedding was beautiful too. The ceremony had to be moved inside, because the craziest storms of the summer arrived!! We SAW someone get struck by lightning right on the beach. Our hotel was directly across the street from the beach. Chris and I were watching the people scurry off the beach when it started to rain, and not even 2 minutes after the rain started, the LOUDEST thunder and this huge bright lightning hit. Chris' ears were ringing, and I, being such the girl I am, took off running out of the hotel doorway into the back bedroom! Not even 2 minutes later, the beach patrol trucks came flying up, and someone was jumping up and down. They weren't playing around, they threw the person on a backboard and ran off. They maybe were there for 30 seconds, and they were gone! Apparently 2 people were struck by lightning on the block our hotel was on, a girl taking down an umbrella, and a lifeguard trying to get people off the beach. Apparently a man was killed by lightning a few towns over in the same storm.

Crazy times, so good, but always a piece of drama has to go on somewhere! LOL. Well, at least it was eventful.

Back to good news again!

While the news is fantastic, the price I have to pay for it is looking like a heroin addict. My arms don't tolerate blood being drawn! The arm with the worst bruise, that's actually with 2 days of healing :) Well, it's not too terrible, but on both arms, well, it's a little excessive!

But back to the good news, I am still pregnant! Some miracle came through, and my betas doubled - exactly. From 1231.2 to 2462 is 48 hours. Talk about picture perfect! My doctor is still cautious, and doesn't want me to go crazy and take it to mean everything is guaranteed fine, but for now, with the betas being perfect, I am still pregnant! I have another ultrasound to see if we can find the Houdini Munchkin, but for now, everything is exactly as it should be.

The exhaustion is setting in, only to be furthered by the lack of sleep to wake up so early today and incredible amount of work I had to do for my sister's baby shower. There is still more to be done, but nothing else I can do here. I have to wait to get to Norristown! And of course, swing by the party store first to grab a few last minute things. Laundry is finishing up, and then I am packed and ready to go. A weekend away... first my mom's all day Friday for set up, then all day Saturday for the shower and cleanup, then off to CapeMay NJ Saturday night for a wedding on Sunday, come home on Monday for a 2 pm ultrasound. Well, that about sums it up.

I'll update again after the ultrasound!

Nerves have settled in.

I'm incredibly nervous for the beta tomorrow.

While being in limbo sucks ass!!, at least it's not a "no".

I'm going to be there AT 8 am, when they open, in hopes I can get the results back the same day. It's not exactly likely, but it's possible. I'm shaking just thinking about it. Quite frankly, I NEED them back tomorrow. It's really not an option.

I'm throwing my sister's baby shower this weekend. That means, all day Friday, I will be at my mom's house, helping her clean, then I have to buy the food, decorate the house, make the food... I really can't take the news while I am doing that. I want to be able to absorb the news, and quite frankly, it will just be way too painful to do all that for a baby shower the day I find out I lost one.

I feel like it will be a no. I know that's bad to think, but honestly, that's my gut. I don't see how I can be earlier. It's just really not possible. I had an external AND internal ultrasound. They would have seen SOMETHING. Somewhere. But I'm empty. I just have this gut feeling that nothing is there.

How much fun can a shower really be when I have just lost my own child? I'm praying for a miracle, and that I am still pregnant, but I can't shake this feeling. And two days will not be enough time for it to settle enough not to seep out into everything I do. It's too fresh, the wound is still bleeding, open, and sore. Yet all I can do is wait.

Waiting game. It's awful. No one should have it. No one should be exposed to this sort of torture. It's better to just KNOW. That's all I want. I just want to KNOW.

Well, no, I want more than that. I want to know I'm still pregnant. I want to know my child is growing and healthy.

But I'll settle for just knowing in general.

The Case of The Missing Baby.

I've been spotting since Sunday morning. I thought it was no big deal, sex on Saturday night, no biggie. There was a clot, but I didn't really think anything of it.

Sunday afternoon, spotting stopped. Awesome. It's fine!

Sunday night, spotting begins. Another clot. Now the spotting is reddish-brown. More red than brown, but it's still there. Okay.

Monday morning, spotting is stopping. All brown. Awesome! I'm clear! Nothing all afternoon.

Monday evening, spotting returns. Reddish again, continues to morning.

This morning - Doctor's Appointment. She gets me in, up on the table, takes a look around... Definitely spotting, but my cervix is closed. Good sign. Just in case, I'm being sent over to the hospital for an ultrasound and Rh testing. This will make sure all is well, no ectopic, anything of the like.

Head over to the hospital, checking in, get my blood drawn for Rh test, and head off for the ultrasound. First there is an external, then the dildocam. My first experience with the dildocam, talk about fun. Anyways, I have to wait for the results, the radiologist will look at them and confer with my doctor, and I will get the results while I am there.

20 minutes later, the ultrasound tech comes back with a phone. My doctor is on the phone. I'm put back in the room so I can "have some privacy". Uh-oh.

"Megan, did you get your bloodwork done already?"
"Yup."
"Okay, well, I'm sending over an order for an HCG panel to measure the hormone (my betas) and then we'll have you come back in on Thursday for another round of it."
"Okay..."
"We didn't see anything on the ultrasound. No fetal pole, not even a gestational sac. At this point, you've either already miscarried, or you are waaaaay earlier than we thought."
:::Tears:::: "Okay..."
"So at this point all we can do is wait to see your HCG numbers today and Thursday to see if they go up or down."

How can I possibly be earlier than they thought? I know when I Oed. I know when we had sex. I know there is no other possible time that it could have been. And I know I got my BFP at 11 dpo, which does not make me a late implant. Please let it be something else.

At this point I make a mad dash out of the hospital, run to my car, bawl on the phone to Christopher. Full, complete, total breakdown. Why is this happening? Pull it together. Go back in.

Walk up to the greeter desk, where the greeter and a check-in nurse are talking. Check in nurse looks at me, and says, "How many times are you going to be here today?" jokingly of course.

Full, complete, total breakdown. At this point, they have 3 boxes of tissues pulled out for me.

Dr. May :::hyperventilating sobs::: faxed over :::gasp, bawl:::: a new bloodwork ::::omg I can't breathe bawling:::: paper for me.

I'm having a meltdown. In the middle of the waiting room.

At this point, the nurse is in full guilt-panic mode. Poor woman. I sit down in the chair and find myself staring. At nothing. Just staring. Let the numbness begin.

I go back into the blood room, and the nurse proceeds to take another 2 vials of blood from the SAME ARM in the SAME SPOT from the SAME VEIN as an hour ago. Not only does my arm still hurt 12 hours later, you should see this bruise. And that's WITH ice on it. As soon as the nurse took the needle out, she says "Oh that wants to bruise..." Ya think?!

I don't know what my betas are today. I'm guessing I won't know until Thursday, or Friday, whenever I get the results. I hope it's Thursday.

Now tomorrow I need to call in and see if I need the Rhogham shot. I have an appointment set up at 2, hopefully I won't need it (3 straight days of needles is a bit much, considering how well today went...) and I have to set up a time for betas on Thursday, since I was so frazzled today I forgot to.

I do however, have the best husband in the entire world. He came home from work today with a cherry slushie (my favorite!) and said, "Let's go to the beach and watch the sunset."

So we did.

We got in the car, drove over an hour to get to Elk Neck State Park in Maryland, sat on the beach for 45 minutes and watched the sunset. That is, until the park ranger kicked us out... The sunset had *just* finished, it was still plenty light out, but nope, park closes at sunset. It didn't matter, it was an awesome drive down and back as well.

Well, not including my total breakdown on the way home where I couldn't stop sobbing for 30 minutes to the point of a raging headache, sore throat, and all of my face and neck muscles hurt.

The really sad part is, the highlight of my day was Burger King breakfast. I got a sausage and cheese croissan'wich with no egg and small hashbrowns.

There was no sausage on my sandwich. It was microwaved croissant with a piece of cheese on it.

Luckily I wasn't out of the parking lot before I was going to wolf it down.

So all in all, the highlight of my day was a screwed up Burger King breakfast order.

Sad. So very very sad.

Ahh the weekend....

Starts off on a bad foot!

I'm so incredible exhausted - but I cannot sleep. I will sleep for an hour, wake up, and spend the next 20 minutes trying to fall back asleep. Repeat hourly, with every other hour including a pee break. Right now I am incredibly cranky!

Lindsay's baby shower was today :) That was fun. Man, I am so jealous - you should SEE the amount of stuff she got! Her MIL alone bought half her registry! Everything was so cute - but I felt no so good. I was feeling nauseous all day today, and now that the nausea has subsided, I have outrageous heartburn. Even though it was Lindsay's shower, she got me a present! I'll put a pic in here soon, but too much effort for me right now :) It's an adorable photo frame that is the mom + dad = me 3 picture frame. I love it!!

The psycho mood swings are setting in. I got so mad at Chris today...

When we got out of the car, he grabbed the empty Popeye's bag. I had to soda, the picture frame, and a gallon of water that has no handle that I am trying to juggle all from the car inside. Now we need a new front door, you have to slam it shut and lock it immediately so it doesn't swing open and the dogs escape. He walked in - and kept going. I'm trying to push the dogs back, slam the door with my foot, and not drop anything. So I yelled over, "So nice of you to help me!" He turned around and shot back "You didn't ask me to!" He walked behind me, locked the door, doing the pissed-off breathing/sigh thing (you all know what I am talking about!) and suddenly...

The psycho took over.


That soda from Popeye's? I launched it. Threw it across the dining room. Explosion.

That jug of water? Same. But no explosion, it had a lid.


I seriously THREW a soda IN MY HOUSE.

Let the hormones begin!!

Finally - my OWN big news on the blog!

I'm Pregnant!

Oh, the hideousness of the BFP bloat. And LOVING EVERY MINUTE! I bloat so badly every month - 9 lbs. to be exact. Once again, this month, I am 9 lbs. up - and all in the belly. The sad part is, you can actually SEE the line where the belly normally is without the bloat! Haha...

And to think, I wasn't go to test today! After yesterday's BFN, I was convinced I was just going to wait for my period to show up.

Being the POAS addict I am, I held my FMU this morning. I didn't pee for over an hour after I woke up, just trying to decide if I wanted to test or not. I had all but settled on NO, when an email from MysteriousWife shows up... Are you testing today?

Well, I wasn't planning on it, but how long could those cheapy dipsticks really be good for? May as well burn the last 5 or so that were left.

I run to the bathroom, PIAC, and dip the thin little dipstick. I take the dipstick with me back to my room, and just continue on BOTB as usual. I am chatting away, about to announce yet another BFN, when... wait. What is that? Is that a line? Tears. Shaking. No fucking way. Wait - for some reason, I DID NOT dump the cup of FMU. Subconcious instinct? No, I was thoroughly expecting a no. Why did I NOT dump that? Who knows.

I can't call Chris. What is that isn't a line? It is just the smallest little pink shadow. Call Lindsay. More tears, all but hyperventilating. I think I see a line. Have to test again. Dip the thicker dipstick. Screw that, I have a FRER in the cabinet too. Dip that also. Sitting on the toilet, bawling my eyes out, I look over. More lines.

OH MY GOD I AM PREGNANT!!! Lindsay shut up I have to call my husband! (LOL thanks for not being mad about that Linds!) Wait, really? YES! There are 3 lines glaring in my face. Really faint on the dip sticks, but there is no denying that FRER!! Call Chris. Have to call Chris.

Babe? I'M PREGNANT!!

He doesn't believe me. I am bawling hysterically. We scream together, oh my god, it's real. It's finally real! With all the stress this cycle, we both figured there was no way in hell. Only once did we have sex in my fertile window! Only ONCE! For the first time in a long time, fertility friend only rated me as "good" not "high". After I calm down, he tells me that when he answered the phone, he thought I was going to tell him one of our dogs died because I was bawling! That's a great story for the baby book, lemme tell ya :)

Well, he finally came home from work. Time to go out to dinner! And ya know, since we are out...

I got my first pair of maternity jeans. All the joking I did about getting them before I was pregnant, well, I should have! They are the most comfortable things I have ever worn in my entire life! They are so cute, so comfy, and LESS THAN HALF of what a normal pair costs! $16.95! Needless to say, I will be living in them. I also bought a tummy sleeve, Vitamin E body butter, and more pregnancy tests.

Hence the DARKER second line on the second test. WOOT! It's gotten DARKER! I know it means nothing, but it's just the fact. :)

My first doctor's appointment is August 27th. I don't know if they'll be doing an ultrasound, GOD I hope so!! but I will be 11 weeks at that point. That seems so late for a first appointment, but my doctor's office apparently doesn't get you in until 10 weeks - the week I am on vacation! What can you do.

I called my mom, but other than that, we want Chris Jr. to be the first to know. He'll be leaving soon, Thursday to be exact. This does mean though, that I will definitely be able to fly out to his graduation and possibly visit him down at A school. We were a little worried about it when his boot camp ship date was mid-December, that meant his graduation would be mid-February. If his date didn't get moved, we were talking about a TTC break. It would be more important for both of us to be there than to get pregnant immediately. We'd waited 7 months while trying, so it wouldn't be a big deal to skip 2 cycles (3 or 4 months) so we could both be there for him. That would have been the ONLY thing to put TTC on hold.

No longer any worries... I'm Pregnant!!!

Quitting Smoking... again!

Moving in to the 2ww = Megan as a non-smoker.


The patch is back on, and at the current moment, feels like it is burning a hole through my skin! Grrr! It's enough to make me want a cigarette! I call that counter productive. Haha!

This time it will work. I will not screw up the patch again. I need to. Quitting smoking is the last thing I have yet to do to get pregnant. I do everything else right, but I haven't quit smoking. One way or another, this will be it. No more cigarettes. I am taking back control.

I'm so tired lately. I need to really clean my house! I've done our bedroom, the hallway, and the basics of the kitchen. I need to mop the floor, but I don't wanna! Yeah, that's right, I said it. I'm soooo mature. :)

Long time, no blog!

Yeah, it's been a while. I'm a slacker.

Well, I've been kinda taking a break from this craziness know as TTC. I didn't chart until I got highs, and I'll only chart until O is confirmed - which should be three days from now! :) That's right ladies, today is ovulation day. I got the darkest positive on an OPK yesterday, so it was quite fantastic. We're sticking with the every other day for sex stuff, since Chris is passed out next to me right now. Although I might awaken him just for some extra last minute contributions :)

I'm so very 'whatever' this month. I'm not all worked up about TTC anymore, and honestly, this is the happiest I've been since we've started. It's a big relief. It didn't bother me to see my friend who got pregnant after trying for way less time than we have.

I even handled a 'family' picnic well. It was my SIL's (my brother's wife) family picnic, more friends than family though, and all of my family came as well. When I sat down to eat, from right to left, we had pregnant, pregnant, pregnant, new mom, mom of a 9 year old, and back to me. Not to mention, the 4 girls (3 pregnant and 1 newborn girls) did NOT stop talking about their pregnancies, and comparing notes, due dates, what have you experienced, have you eaten deli meat, etc. It drove me nuts for about 25 minutes, then I walked away, took a break, and was fine again.

It really was like a scene out of a movie though. Chris kept shooting me looks, like "Do you need to escape?" and "What kind of luck is it that you are in the middle of this?" I love him for those exact reasons, but I was really okay. I'm sure if I had my period it would have been different, but I was all good.

There is craziness come up in the next month. So many things to do, so little time! On top of it all, my transmission in my car crapped out. I need to get a new one! Too much money. That throws a wrench into things! Plus my sister's baby shower, a friend's wedding, Lindsay's baby shower, July 4th, my other sister's birthday... Not enough time this summer! I feel it slipping away... I'm excited for all of it, but where has the time gone?! Is it seriously July already?!

Time for bed.

Wish me luck! Here's to getting pregnant!

And now I'm smoking.

I lost my motivation. I lost the drive. I screwed up the patch one day, slipped up, and I couldn't stick with it. I'm going to give it a few days and try again. Today was the first full day of not smoking since the slip, and I just couldn't do it. I didn't have the willpower to fight off that pull toward it. I'm now 'practicing'. I'm still fighting the urges, and only giving in when I get SUPER bitchy.

Right now I am completely exhausted. I just spent an outrageous amount of time tonight chopping, slicing, and making food. My legs actually HURT from standing so long. Flashback to working retail! I'd be fine walking that long, but not just standing. Ick.

All this is stemming from being the oldest 25 year old in the entire world. I have a kid that graduated high school, and is now enlisted in the Navy. Now I'm running my ass off to get everything done for the party because his mother is just NOT together on this. She just gave me a list of things we should bring (and coordinate with the rest of the family!) while she's doing practically nothing. We don't even know the official time yet - it's either 2 or 3. Fantastic. Man, she is such an airhead. I don't know why she didn't just let us handle this.

No I take that back, I do. CJ is a month and a half off his 18th birthday, and going into boot camp before that. She's trying desperately to be the 'cool parent' but at the same time calling him 'her baby' at the Navy recruiter! She was all upset that I took him to the recruiter's for his ASVAB instead of her husband - who CJ HATES - like I was interfering on their bonding time or something. She's now into the super clingy phase, where she is realizing 'her baby' is growing up and doesn't want to let go. Not to mention, as soon as CJ ships out, that connection to Chris is gone. In her efforts to be cool and hang on to all 3 of us, it's just become outrageously annoying - to all 3 of us. She acts like I'm her best fucking friend - I do NOT want to know about your sex life! CJ will most likely leave in less than a month. We find out on Saturday. Less than a month, and he's already talking about moving in with us to get away from her.

Example of the uh, 'coolness' : She said as a graduation present to CJ, she is going to get a tattoo of an anchor on her ankle, to show her support.

All 3 of us just stared at her for about a minute, then laughed.

Not even the guys IN the Navy get tattoos of an anchor. Plus, she would rather CJ be bagging groceries at the store than go in the Navy, and tells him this every chance she gets. She was refusing to let him go in to boot camp before his 18th birthday, until Chris ripped her a new one. Now she continually tells him how "she'll let him, but she won't be happy about it..." The kid is already enlisted! He's excited! DO NOT make him dread this - he's already sworn in, he has a military ID, you can't get him out of it now anyways, so SHUT UP!

She's becoming unbearable. Sorry if this all seems petty, but there is so much that goes on DAILY that I cannot even begin to write it all. On top of all of this, she is just in general, outrageously loud and obnoxious. That doesn't help it all either. :::Deep Breath::: One more month.

I will feel much better once the graduation party is over though.

On a really funny side note - When Christopher got back from the recruiter's, he gave me a bumper sticker that said "Proud Parent of a Sailor". When I took him home later that day, Deanna asked what he got, he told her his shirt, hat, and bumper stickers - she asked him for one. He told her No, they were going in his room! I was DYING!

Horrid day, but not smoking!

I am so sick, I cannot breathe. This really old air conditioner in our room is crapping out. It cannot keep up with the heat and humidity here! There are also no other a/c's in the windows yet, as this is quite the early heat wave. This would be fine, I would put the a/c in if I could manage to get up the 2 flights of stairs with it, aka no sickness. And of course, they messed up Chris' schedule, so he was working until 9 - which turned out to be 10 - and he is still not home yet. Not to mention, the entire Susquehanna Valley was out of cell phone service today - which is my ONLY phone - because some idiot cut a fiber line up here. Fantastic. Add all of this on to the baby shower drama, hand writing all those notes, and just for a cherry on top - I'm quitting smoking.

I've been really good with it, but honestly, I don't know how much more of this I can take. There are only so many things that can happen at once. At this point, I am MISSING my smokes. It was somehow comforting. I know it isn't really, but yet, it was. However, there were only about 4 times today I went to mindlessly grab for my pack. It's been over 36 hours since my last cigarette, which is further than I have made it in quite a long time. The longest has been 4 days, which was in my first 2ww. I was completely naive and convinced that I was pregnant, so I stopped. Needless to say, the first day of my period I fell right back to them. I never was able to fully quit in the 2ww again, with that 'It probably didn't work anyway' mindset. I continually cut back, and I would be down to less than 1/2 a pack a day, and then I would get my period. Back up to a full pack. It's an addiction, what did I expect?

I always said once that motivation was there, I would quit. The motivation was a baby. Hence the fact I was able to quit in the first 2ww. Now, after 4 unproductive (or un-reproductive?) cycles, my new motivation is getting pregnant. It affects fertility. I knew that. I just never thought it would happen to me.

Some kind of Progress.

Yay! Boo. No, yay! No, boo.

AF is finally here. She made her grand appearance in the form of pinkish-brown spotting at 11:53 pm. Now I sit here at 1:00 am exactly, with a bottle of fuck-you-uterus Advil, a whole bag fuck-you-stomach popcorn, and a big cup of fuck-you-body instant iced tea. It's literally so big I could swim in it. Or at least wash my hair.

However, with all of that, I do consider this an improvement. That may seem strange, yet it is a fact of my journey that I am strangely proud of. While I believe that no woman should have to hit this point, I have arrived to the place where I don't cry about my period. It is a fact now that I am not pregnant. It's not devastation, it's not crushing disappointment, it's now longer a feeling of how can I be THIS broken. It just. simply. IS. My period is now a statement, a fact, a truth. It is not a verb, it is not a state of being.

Just this past week, I have heard from 6 different people "it will happen as soon as you relax". Sweetpea, I am not including you in this paragraph (FYI). Really. My doctor wants to put me on fertility drugs, my cycles have yet to fall in the normal range, I've had a weak ovulation last cycle which my doctor has determined as a problem in my follicular phase, and my LP can't seem to find a happy place. Glad to know that all of that is null and void if I only RELAX. You've GOT to be kidding me. I never thought I would hit that point of people saying it to me. My brother even said that to me today. Have you tried to have kids? No. Shut up, go away, and come back to me when you are broken. I swear, people don't get it.

If you haven't been through it, I don't want to hear your theory. If you got got pregnant accidentally, I don't want to hear how it happened for you. If you pregnant in your first month, I don't want to hear that all you had to do was time it right. If you got pregnant in your second cycle, I don't want to hear that you just ditched the lube and took your vitamins. Or in today's case, became obsessed with David Cook instead of TTC. Talk to me when it took you more than 6 months to get pregnant. Tell me what you did, how you did it, and I will try it. If you've lived through it, I am all ears. Until then...

SHUT UP!

It's official - AF needs to die.

I can handle my period. I can handle cramps with my period. I cannot handle these KILLER crazy bad cramps with no period. At least when I have my period I can know I am moving on toward ovulation. These cramps are strictly unproductive, a warning of the inevitable. Can we at least get this party rolling and move on to the next cycle?

In other news, I'm becoming a vegetarian. Well, kind of. :) Chris and I kept joking about how we could become vegetarians since we LOOOOOVE our veggies. Well, now that we aren't pregnant again, there's only one thing left to try - the sperm diet essentially. Lots of veggies, especially dark green ones, are supposed to be really good for sperm production. Not to mention high in folic acid for me! Hopefully I'll also lose some weight in the process. I doubt it, I love my veggies in butter! Or with Parmesan cheese - the real stuff - or green bean casserole. My favorites! Or spinach in cream of chicken soup (the one meat 'product' if you can call it that, that we agreed will stay!) Or a spinach alfredo. Mmmm, that's dinner tomorrow night. Looks like I am going to need to go shopping! We're going to be what I call "at-home" vegetarians. It will be our primary source of food and we won't cook meat at home, but we aren't objecting to it or anything of the sort.

So I am guessing AF will show up tomorrow, unless my body is in full out revolt stage, in which case my LP will be really long just to push my cycle outside the normal range :) In which case, I'm finding out where I can return my uterus for a new one!

Baby shower madness!

I've gotten so much done today for my sister's shower, that I am utterly EXHAUSTED! Today alone, I have finished stuffing the invites, sealed them, stickered them, stamped them, mailed them, bought extra favors, ordered the advice cards, confirmed the other favors delivery, addressed all thank you cards (tradition over here, the shower host addresses the thank you's for the mom in advance), bought the thank you cards before that obviously, bought the forks and knives, tablecloths, decorations for the house, tent, and mommy chair... I also went to Yankee Candle and got the 'prizes'. One sand 'n sun candle, and my newest obsession, Island Spa. Yummy! Now I have to finish the diaper cake tomorrow, which should be easy enough, it's 90% done. Then I just have to wait on stuff to get here so I can finish stuffing the favor bags. I really am exhausted after all this! It is all worth it though, some of this stuff is SO amazingly cute! I'm working with a light pink, hot pink, and purple as colors with baby footprints as the theme. Butterflies are tied in here and there, since her bedding has butterflies on it. Wanna see some of the cuteness? :)

The invites, custome designed. Same woman did my wedding invites, Katrina, papermilldesigns.com:

I think I am out this cycle.

I have been having crazy cramping. It's like AF is holding her impending doom over my head. I've been weak, tested, and it's a BFN. I'm only 10 DPO, so you never *really* know, but it feels like all the others. On the bright side, at least this time I didn't set myself up. Sadly, I kinda seems easier this time around. I'm getting used to it. It still sucks by all means, but I just don't think it's as bad as it has been. I knew eventually this cycle would come, and while it's upsetting, it's a big relief at the same time.