Hypersensitive.

Yes, oversensitive doesn't describe it. Hypersensitive I am.

So that rambling of last night actually came from an Ooops ticker. I know she doesn't mean it like this, it's just one freakin word, but when I see that above a pregnancy ticker...

It's like the big bitch of high school comes over to you, knocks your fruit punch all over you in your all white outfit and says "Ooops!" and runs off to laugh about what she just did.

And to see that she was upset about it killed me.

I'm sorry if you are reading this, it's nothing against you, but I gotta get it out.

Still struggling.

I thought I was ready to wander back to the baby boards... I'm not.

I want this done with. I don't want to feel like this anymore.

I am broken, I am empty, I am shattered, I am alone.

I want nothing more than to spend every waking minute with the new babies around me. I make hour long car drives to go see them, and they kill me. I can't stand not to be around, and I can stand to be around.

I feel like my body is eating itself alive. Every minute of the day I want to cry. I want to curl up, fall asleep, and not wake up until everything has passed. I want to wake up to a world where I am going to be a mother, my husband a father, and everything as it should have been.

My body has failed me. And now, trying to get back on the horse and try again, it is still failing me. All I want is to be me again. I feel like the old me, but shattered into a million pieces in the snow. I don't know how to pick up. I don't know how to glue myself back together. I don't know how to move on.

I was driving home tonight, after leaving my baby niece, and I felt so incredibly miserably numb. I was zoned onto the road, listening, but barely comprehending the music. I wasn't even aware that I was listening to the music until I felt a tear fall.

"Every night you cry yourself to sleep, thinking 'why does this happen to me?'
Why does every moment have to be so hard...."

That's exactly how I feel. I just want it to pass. I just want to be me again.

Finally, the end.

The end of this hell cycle. Official count - 46 days.

Craaaaaaaaamps. Ouch.

I know this might be controversial, but it's my blog so I am saying it anyway.

I want to give up.

I feel like this entire process is torture. I have a beautiful family with my husband and stepson. I have a kid who is not only respectful, polite, kind, decent, funny, and caring, but one who also decided that he was going to make something of himself, and even above and beyond that, is serving his country at the same time. I may not have given birth to him, I may not have seen every minute of his life, but he is my kid. I could not be more proud.

(FYI for anyone who doesn't know me - I have a good relationship with his mom, and even she calls me his "other mom", I'm not stepping on any toes or disrespecting his mother with the "my kid".)

I do feel complete with them. If we were to not have a baby, it doesn't take anything away from me. I would be the same I am now. I wouldn't lose anything, I never had it. It's like Houdini was my chance, and it just didn't come to reality.

I've been overwhelmed and consumed with thoughts of Houdini lately. Maybe this is where this is all stemming from. We bought the dream perfect crib bedding last week - and all I could think was that I would be buying crib bedding right now for Houdini. THIS would be for Houdini. I think buying it was a mistake. I couldn't bear not to have it, but I find myself wandering over to the closet, opening the door, sitting on the floor, and staring at it. I love it, but I hate it.

Chris got me diamond earrings the day we found out I was pregnant. When Houdini's due date was pushed back to April first, it later occured to me that the earrings would symbolize Houdini, his or her birthstone. We picked them up yesterday, and I stared at them. I had them put them in a box, not in my ears. It took me about an hour to work up the courage to put them in. Now I stare at them, loving them, and hating them. I have visions of flushing them down the toilet. So I walk away from the mirror.

I watch my sister and my best friend with their brand new baby girls. I see the pure love freely flowing from every pore in their bodies, I watch their husbands turn to big teddy bears when they reach out for their child, I see their hearts melt. I see the ultimate gift a wife can give her husband, their child, and can physically watch the transformation from a man to a father. I can't give my husband that. I have tried everything I know how, and I still can't give him that.

I just want to give up.

:::GASP!!:::

Danse stole my blog background.

I might have to kill her. ;)

::Kisses Danse!::

Well, it took 35 days...

but it appears I have ovulated.

I think.

I forgot my thermometer when I came up here for the weekend, but with 2 high temps, I made up a third. Plus, the ewcm was like normal, aka alot, not like the little bits I had for that crazy long time. With the + Opks, I'm pretty damn sure. I'm just gonna figure I did. When I get back home, I'll start temping again to be sure, but I am gonna say yes, I did.

That being said, I am counting myself out this cycle. I am officially waiting for my period to show, not the other way around. We had sex 2 days before O, but that's it - nowhere else around it since he was out of town. I realize that gives me a chance, but I just don't feel real good about my chances, especially with it taking so long to even ovulate. I realize that isn't the most factual logic in the world, but I can't help but feeling like it.

I am currently 5 dpo (most likely anyways) so next Sunday I am looking at period time. You know you wanted to know that.

Time to pack up and get ready to leave Pittsburgh for good.

I fixed the blog!

After 2 days and many attempts to remove that stupid picture, I finally did it! For some reason, it was hidden in the widget HTML and in 4 - yes 4! - different spots in the HTML. Talk about outrageous - no need for 4.

Anyways, it is day 4 in Pittsburgh and it is FREEZING! It's only in the high 40s, and it is highly unnecessary to be this cold! It's only October people, not December! I was not fully prepared for this weather. I brought clothes for just in case, consisting on 1 sweatshirt, 2 sweaters, and sweatpants... enough for typical fall weather. Little was I aware that I would need a sweater every day!

I still have not hit a peak on my CBEFM either. My dearest CBEFM, we have been through this stage already. You already "know" me. There is absolutely no need for this many highs before a peak! Whatever happened to that "3 to 4 days of high"?

Looks like it might be time for an ovarian pep talk.

Fire away.

Blog Makeover!

After months of drooling all over Blair's blog, but not wanting to deal with all the hassle of switching it over, I finally decided my fingers could be lazy no longer.

Pretty new blog!

The only problem is that stupid picture in my header from my last blog. I have looked all over in an attempt to find the html for it, but somehow it seems like it is embedded in my damn blog. I't ruining the look of it, it angers me.

Well, now I am in Pittsburgh. Chris was supposed to be home for good this past weekend, but it turns out he'll be here for another MONTH. Needless to say, there was no way I was going to be sitting at home for two straight months with no husband.

So we kenneled the dogs, packed us both up, and drove out to the hotel. It was really sweet - Chris had told the hotel staff that he was bringing me up, that it was going to be our anniversary coming up. When we walked into the hotel room, there was a bottle of champagne on ice, two glasses, and a card signed by all the hotel staff! I guess they really like the Verizon guys out here - hey, whatever, free booze for me! :)

First morning here sucked though - I slept in, but the husband forgot to bring me up half and half for my coffee. AKA - no coffee. I'm having a morning HOT CHOCOLATE. Delicious, but SO not coffee! We have to run out to Target tonight anyway, so I'll get some there, I just miss my coffee.

Still no peak on the CBEFM either. Still just a high, I don't even know how many that makes... enough with the tease already, he's been here for 4 days, just gimme a damn peak!!

Well, if anyone knows how to get that picture out, feel free to leave advice. I might go try to take a nap, I'm feeling prreeeeettty damn cranky. :)

And today would have been...

The first day of the second trimester. Houdini would have been 1/3 of the way here. I would be so close to feeling movement inside me. The morning sickness might have been fading, might have been gone. Today would have been a major milestone.

Instead, today is nothing, but cycle day 9. The first day of peeing on the CBEFM sticks. The first day marked "low" on my chart.

Chart.

I should be pregnant, not charting.

PERIOD!!

For once in my life, I am so excited it is finally here!!

I shouldn't say finally. That's the second exciting part. Everything says your first post cycle will be longer. I was only 30 days! That's shorter than I have had... EVER!

Well, this is my last blog before Chicago. I'm getting on a plane in 16 hours. Normally I have no fear of flying, but I'm a little nervous since it is September 11th. And Chicago has the Sears tower and all. Eh, whatever. I can't do anything about it, and my stepson is worth it. Deep breaths.

Okay, time to get to sleep. I have to pick up the husband tomorrow in the morning.

Bye for now!

Crap. She did it again.

And so it goes....

I've been tagged by Sweetpea. The Rules:

1. Link to the person who tagged you
2. Post the rules to your blog
3. Write 6 random things about yourself
4. Tag 6 people at the end of your post and link to them
5. Let each person you have tagged know by leaving a comment on their blog.
6. Let the tagger know when your entry is posted.

6 random things about me:

1.) I recently have developed a new love that I never thought would occur. I suddenly have no desire to wear my engagement ring. I still love it to pieces, but I suddenly love just my wedding ring by itself.

2.) I too, cannot sleep with socks on. Whenever I get tired, all of a sudden, my feet get incredibly hot. Like, burning. When I was little, I used to unzip my footy sleepers and pull my legs out. My mom figured out what was going on when she would wake me up every morning, and only my arms would be in my pajamas. It was like a cape at that point.

3.) I am such a 1950s housewife. I love having dinner on the table when my husband comes in the door. I love being a stay at home wife, and the whole June Clever aspect. Because I do this, I believe I am also the ultimate feminist, in a backwards way. I choose to do it, and everyday I have people telling me how wrong it is and how I should start a business, or go to work at least part-time, blah blah blah. I have to fight against the new stereotype everyday, where it is suddenly no longer okay to be a SAHW. Where the ultimate feminist part comes in, I think a woman should be able to choose whatever she wants to do, including NOT work.

4.) I am unhealthily attached to my husband, and he is to me. We don't go out separately, we don't have boy nights or girl nights, and just being apart from each other for this past week has reduced us both - and yes, I said BOTH - to tears. I've never been sick of him - I love when he's home on vacation and I have him 24/7.

5.) I have an irrational hate for doing laundry. Even though I am a SAHW, I still manage to weasel my way into talking my husband into doing it for me. I have no idea what my objection is to it, but I would rather burn my clothes after wearing them and be stuck with nothing, than to do laundry. It's been close.

6.) I am unexplainably afraid of making phone calls. I have a strange paranoia with it. Even while DH was in Pittsburgh on Saturday, he called into the Chinese place down the street - from 4 hours away - to call and order it for me. I hate the phone. You will usually have to call me about 10 times before I will ever call you. I have no idea why, but I am very uncomfortable on the phone. I will physically start shaking and take about 10 minutes to psych myself up if I have to call somewhere I am not regularly calling.

Okay, again with the tagbacks. Let's go with Monkey, Danse, Blair, Griffin, Rachi, and Boobz.

Sweetpea made me do it.

I've been tagged too... a while ago, but I was neglecting the blog. Now that I am back, here goes.

1. Where is your cell phone? Next to me on my table

2. Your significant other? I miss him at the moment.

3. Your hair? messy

4. Your mother? Paranoid.

5. Your father? aww, my daddy.

6. Your favorite thing? At this particular moment, coffee and a cigarette.

7. Your dream last night? I don't remember it.

8. Your favorite drink? Coffee, grape soda, orange soda, grape kool-aid... I can't choose!

9. Your dream/goal? Kids.

10. The room you're in? Bedroom.

11. Your hobby? Nesting.

12. Your fear? Another m/c.

13. Where do you want to be in 6 years? In a new house with 2 kids running around the backyard with the dogs.

14. What you're not? Disloyal.

15. Muffins? Lemon poppyseed. But only the inside mushy parts. I give DH the outside.

16. One of your wish list items? A new bedroom set, new carpeting, new floors throughout... too many to list.

17. Where you grew up? Norristown, PA

18. The last thing you did? Lit myself a cigarette.

19. What are you wearing? Dh's t-shirt and pink polka dot pj shorts.

20. Favorite Gadget? My LG shine cell phone. Lurve.

21. Your pet? Which one? I have 4.

22. Your computer? POS!!! Need a new one.

23. Your mood? Lonely.

24. Missing someone? Husband, excessively.

25. Your car? VW cabrio.

26. Something you are not wearing? Socks?

27. Favorite Store? Target

28. Like someone? Friends

29. Your favorite color? Blue

30. When is the last time you laughed? Today

31. Last time you cried? 2 days ago. My husband told me he was missing me, played our wedding song, and it made him cry. That made me cry.

So, now to tag others... Monkey, Danse, Boobz, and Blair. DO IT! :)

Long time, no blog...

Well, I've been neglecting the blog for a little bit. It was just too hard to come on here, and see the trials of the pregnancy and miscarriage. It was a very happy time for a little bit, and there are even still times where I find my hand just resting on my stomach like I was still pregnant. I had gotten in the habit when my doctor told me exactly where the sac was, so I didn't want to relive it.

Finally, the whole detailed, graphic, way too much information story:

It started on Sunday afternoon, August 10th. It was the typical cramps, which I didn't think anything about. I had been having cramping the entire time. This too will pass. They progressively got closer together, and more painful. Around 7pm, I even remember posting to Mrs.John on the nest, when she was asking about cramping (she had just gotten her BFP) that mine were getting so bad, I was actually going to take Tylenol for the first time in the pregnancy. I was bleeding red too, but since I had been doing that the entire time, I wasn't worried.

Somewhere around midnight, something was up. These cramps were killing me, with only about 30 seconds relief in between. The bleeding was getting worse. It's okay, I will call the doctor in the morning. This just isn't normal.

1 am. Oh my god, this pain is unnatural. I'm bleeding almost like a period. Pantiliners are not cutting it anymore. I think there is a problem.

2am. Tears. Clots. Dime sized clots. I was posting on the nest for someone to calm me down. I had already had clots, and with the bicornuate uterus, it could still be absolutely nothing. I don't understand the cramping with it, but I could still be normal.

3am. Can't move. Can't breathe. Nickel size clots. The realization finally hits that it is probably over. At this point, the doctor's office will be open in 5 hours. I just need to sleep. I am so tired, I can't handle this right now. I don't even want to let my brain travel there. Turn off the lights, turn off the computer, smash up next to Chris, and the minute I pulled his arm over me, I couldn't stop it. I was bawling. I knew what was happening. He woke up, asked me what was wrong. All I could get out was "I think I am miscarrying". Now? "yea." I couldn't even hear what else he said over the sounds of myself bawling. All I remember is thinking, just try to get some sleep. And somehow, I did.

6am. Chris wakes up for work. Just the slightest movement on the bed woke me up. Immediately I was in tears. It was the most intense pain of my entire life. I cannot even describe the sheer physical intensity of it. Back on the nest. Down 3 tylenol. If I am not miscarrying - that one millionth shot in hell - I am just sticking with the tylenol. Just writhing in pain for the next two hours, nesting.

8am. Call in to the doctor's office. Who's patient are you? Dr. May. Oh, she's on vacation this week. I will have Cheri, the midwife, call you back shortly. She's not in yet.

8:15 am. Phone rings. She's gotten familiar with my chart. "So first I want you to tell me what you think is happening, and then I will tell you what is going on." "I think I'm miscarrying."

Yes, you are.

She proceeds to tell me they've been waiting for it to happen. It was in my chart. With the issues with the ultrasounds, and the lack of development, they were 99.99% sure I was going to, but didn't want to say anything. What if I was that .01%. I kind of wishI had been prepared for the possibility though.

The pain should be gone by 1pm since it had already been so long.

1pm. Still dying. Call in, tell them. Okay, she will call me back.


2pm.



3pm.



4pm. Houdini passed. I went to pee, wiped, and well, that was that. Here was this tissue, about 2 quarters side-by-side in size, where there was supposed to be a baby. What the hell do I do? Flush it? I can't. That was supposed to be my baby. I wrap it up in all but an entire roll of toilet paper, cause, well, it's gross. But it was supposed to be my baby. Chris will be home soon, he can do something with it. But oh my god, the cramps have gotten even worse.


4:30 pm. Back in tears. Call again. Oh Megan, I think someone is calling you right now. Hold on. Yup. Megan, Cheri said that she can schedule you for an ultrasound to see what is going on. I tell her I passed it, it was huge, but now I am dying. I need something stronger.

5:15 pm. Chris arrives home with a full bottle of Vicodin.

The pain continued for days, the bleeding continued for days. I had an ultrasound 2 days later, and found all major tissue had been expelled, only bits left over of what was trying to become a placenta. Two weeks later, I had my post appointment. Good to go... once I get a period.

I have to wait one full cycle. Which, knowing my cycles, with be 6 or 7 weeks. And they say that first period after a m/c can take longer than your normal cycles.

Fantastic.

I just want to get back on with it. I want a baby.

Miscarried.

Well, on August 11, exactly one month to the day of my BFP, I miscarried.

Scheduled!

Ultrasound is scheduled for Friday, August 15th, at 9 am.

::Fingers crossed!::

Houdini is SO grounded.

Well, there is a yolk sac this week.

The official repost came back. The gestational sac is measuring 6w1d. The last ultrasound was officially measuring 5w4d. It was 9 days between ultrasounds, but there was only 4 days of growth. So the waiting game just continues.

I've been bleeding at night. Bright red, and a flow - not just spotting. However, with the BCU, that could be normal. My doctor is iffy about it, but she said I won't need to come in or be concerned unless it turns into a full period flow. Since it stops in the morning and during the day, she's not panicked about it. Sounds good to me.

I'm so tired lately. Chris is working the 1-9 shift, so our time is split up. It feels like I never get to see him. All I want to do, the whole day long, is sleep, and eat! It's craziness.

Since measuring 6w1d, that moves my due date back to April 1st. Uh oh! That moves us into diamond birthstone territory ;) My belly seems to be exploding. I realize it's all bloat, or fat... I have been on a sugar kick... but I did NOT expect to look like this quite this early! I totally look pregnant. I really want to exercise, but with the bleeding starting right after I walked the dogs, I'm afraid to. I am not trying to lose weight, or anything like that, but I feel like I am blowing up like a balloon. I'm also having a total guilt complex, since I crave sugar and cookies, and slushies, and mints, and sodas... I need to do something to balance all that out! :) I need to get to the grocery store and start having some healthier options around. I still eat my lean cuisines - they are a great lunch compared to a handful of oreos, washed down with a 7up, only to be followed by about 10 mints consecutively. At least I have them! I've been eating a lot, and I mean A FREAKING LOT! of pasta too. Whole grain though - rotini, penne, and whole grain mac 'n cheese! I was so happy when I saw that in the store - if I'm going to shove my face with mac 'n cheese, it may as well be whole grain! At least it's better for me. I honestly sit on my butt in front of the computer ALL DAY, and eat. I've gained weight like crazy since this bleeding started - I'm too afraid to do anything. I REALLY need to make healthier food choices if exercise is not an option.

That being said, I'm off to make some pasta.

I'll start tomorrow. :)