Is anyone out there?

Does anyone still even read this thing? 

Talk about a crazy life.  Cole is so big, a true little boy.  He's no longer a toddler.  He can ride a scooter, a tricycle, and just about anything else, whether it's meant to be ridden or not.  (The dog is NOT a small pony.)  Despite a speech delay, he has fully caught up and is now right on track where he should be. 

Owen is in to everything.  We crawl, pull up, walk while holding on, cruises... and continually face plants in to everything around him.  He really is a Rock Star.  After 8 months of BFing, I've decided to wean.  He has no problem with this, it's like he's had a bottle all along.  I still feed him first thing in the morning, and that is the only feeding left - but seeing as that gets my a couple of extra hours sleep, I'm in no rush to give it up.  We decided to use the Ferber method a few nights ago, and I was so scared he would be crying his face off - turns out when I walk out of the room, he flips over and goes to sleep.  Seriously.  BEST. BABY. EVER.  Almost makes me want another baby! 

Almost. 

I'm still in therapy, and still on medication.  I've been released from my psychiatrist if I would like, but I'm not sure how I feel about it.  I need an appointment next month, so I really need to make up my mind.  Essentially, it's if I want to stay where I'm at with my meds (Celexa 40mg, and Xanax .25mg) or if I want to play with them.  I haven't made any changes since I was BFing, so I think while I am typing this out I've made a decision to stay where I am at.  Guess it's time to make an appointment with my PCP! 

I've hit a place where most days, besides frustrated with Cole's newfound selective hearing, I'm happy.  We went to Toys R Us today, and Cole didn't want to be in the cart.  He did so well.  I didn't even have to drag him kicking and screaming away from the train table! 

Well, now that I've entered the 21st century and  got an iPhone, and discovered the blogger app, I should be on here a little more frequently than once every 6 months.  I find myself blogging in my head while doing the mundane, but never actually get to sit down and write it out...  Maybe that will finally change!

Potty training... or lack there of.

It's been something he's been signaling for quite a while... and you know, why not just add some more on to the plate?  He loves his potty, he wants you to take his diaper off and sit on it, but then he proceeds to stand up, take 2 steps, and squat down and pee on the floor.  He identifies how to make himself go, we just need to put steps one and two together! 

Today has been a very frustrating day for me.  Cole has been screaming all day at the slightest little things.  Plus, he's been quite hyper - a.k.a. rough - so I haven't been able to even get a break for 5 seconds, because he'll be on top of his brother in the bouncer.  It's days like this that I feel it, like flashbacks.  Can't someone else just take him for a little while?  I just need 5 minutes without someone crying and whinig.  But that's motherhood.  And even though I wanted to run, I didn't.  I need to celebrate the little things, and know that I am fighting this successfully.  I will not give in to this. 

As long as there are peanut butter cups. 

Well, I have 2 packs of pullups - one designs, one cool feel - diapers for night, and the next step will be underwear.  I figure we'll go about a week in pull-ups so he understands the feeling of being wet, and then move on to actually being wet. 

Wish me luck... and sanity!

Resurrection of the Blog

After much neglect - a year's worth to be exact - I had no plans to return.

It's been a long struggle.  In the end however, I have two gorgeous boys, an awesome husband, and what many would look upon as a perfect life.  On one hand, I know how lucky I am.  On the other, I'm not happy.  I'm struggling.  It's been a challenge since the start - struggling to get pregnant, a miscarriage, a rough pregnancy with Cole, what we believed to be PPD, another struggle to get pregnant, a downward spiral while pregnant with Owen, and repeat pregnancy issues with Owen.  To the point where, the day Owen was born, my Celexa was doubled.  Shortly thereafter, I was also put on Xanax, got a psychiatrist, got a therapist, and now, moving to the blog. 

I have struggled particularly with catastrophic thoughts.  When the meds aren't enough, I easily find myself wishing and hoping there would be some serious accident that I would just happen to die in.  When the meds are enough, I am in constant panic that I'm about to die in some freak accident.  I'll elaborate more later.  I also have serious control issues.  In an attempt to not up the meds even more, we are trying to work through it in therapy.  I am very easily frustrated and find solace in the thought of running away.  Escaping would be too easy for me - I really need to work on not checking out.

I'm actually appalled that these thoughts come so easily, and that they can be so comforting.  What kind of mom, in a moment of her almost 2 year old's tantrum, gets relief in the thought that she could leave this all in a heartbeat?  I never wanted to be anything but a mom.  Okay, maybe a famous singer or actress too, but the number one goal was to be a mom.  I look at my boys, and I am amazed with them all the time - but one wrong move, one scream, one tantrum, and I could drop everything and run away in a second. 

So, in an effort to retrain my brain's way of thinking, my therapist has me doing certain exercises - and one of the most important is to air out the feelings.  A journal of sorts - so I can look back and see the distorted thoughts my brain creates. 

Enter the blog.

Welcome back, interweb stalkers.  <3

Moving on...

Well, Cole has turned one.

It's time to get Trying. We tried Provera, it didn't work. My period came 33 days after my last pill, putting me at yet again 60 days. I tabled it until after his party, since there was enough stress! (More on that later.) So next step?

Clomid. 50 mg, days 5-9.

Of course, I have to have a day 1 before that can occur... so my body has one more week before we have to try Provera again. Nothing like a full drawer of pills!

On top of that, I feel AMAZING. I feel like the mom I am supposed to be! Tired, but amazing. 20mg Celexa seems to be my magic number!!

Bad Day

I'm having a bad day. A very bad day. And I haven't had one in a while.

I HATE THIS.

I hate feeling like this. And now that I am on the way up, it aches that I feel like this. Today, I did not want to be with Cole. I just needed a little time without whine. Or with wine. Anything, but I needed a break. However, this made me hurt. It hurt so bad. My little boy is in pain - poor guy is cutting 6 teeth at once - and I wanted to run away. It tore me to shreds to not want to scoop him up and make it better. Instead, I wanted to turn around and walk outside. I wanted to want to be Mommy... but I didn't want to. And I couldn't make myself. I was so relieved when Chris came home and I didn't have to take care of him anymore.

I hate myself for that.

I want to want to take care of him 24/7. I want to hate that he's a total daddy's boy, but sometimes, it is such a relief. I want even higher meds. I want this to all go away. I want to be the mom I feel like I would be underneath all of this.

I have these moments. These moments of sheer bliss, where I LOVE being a mom. I can stare at my little bug and all is right. I made that. That beautiful, amazing creature that crawls up my leg, that grabs both sides of my face slobbers all over my face for a kiss (and sometimes bites!) and that finds the vacuum the most fascinating thing in the world. This happy little guy calls me Momma. Those moments make every ounce of this worth it. When he first wakes up from nap, where he's still rubbing his eyes, but catches a glimpse of me and smiles before burying his face in his blanket. Those moments, this black cloud doesn't exist.

I'm getting better. I am. I am getting MUCH better. I don't have intrusive thoughts, I don't obsess nearly as much, I can focus on one thing much easier - and those moments EXIST. More often than anything else, there are those moments of bliss. My baby is my world, and not just because he has to be. I WANT him to be. I love being with him. I love playing and bonding with him.

Most of the time.

Oh Provera... you suck.

I feel like a teenage girl and a menopausal woman all wrapped in to one! Between the horrendous acne (the joys of the painful 'underground' zits, one after the other!) and the hideous hot flashes (no, I'm not kidding - it's like someone set me on fire for a minute or two), I am counting down the days of stopping this medication. I really thought it would be easier, taking a pill a day for a whopping 10 days a month.

Yeah, no.

This is when I revert back to the pre-Cole days, wondering why on earth my body can't just work like everyone else's. But honestly, I don 't really even have the time to sit and ponder it. As you see, the blog has been dearly neglected. Now, as I scramble to poorly update, it's 12:09, and Cole's new wake up time is looming over my head. You see, my sleep-like-Momma baby has been replaced. Suddenly, after moving his wake up time to 9, then 8:30, then 7...

We now wake up at 5:45. On the nose.

And now, at 12:11, I am completely incoherent and rambling.

Aaaaaand goodnight.

10 months old

How did this happen? It's still like yesterday to me that he was born. He is such an amazing little boy. He took his first steps on Sunday! He is in to everything, obsessed with Sesame Street, hangers, power cords, and bungee cords. So glad I waste my money on toys!

I have been a bad blogger. Truth is, so much is going on, I haven't been ready to air it. I'm still not sure I'm ready, but I'm going to anyway. I messed with my own medication. I had forgotten to take it for a while, and I figured I may as well not take it anymore. After all, we would like to have another baby, and I assumed I would have to be off it during pregnancy anyway. Biiiiig mistake. So not only am I back on it, but I am actually on a higher dose now - 20mg instead of 10. Turns out, 20mg is perfectly safe during pregnancy until nearing delivery.

And speaking of pregnancy, or lack thereof... My period yet again went missing. After going to my MW, we developed a bit of a plan. Because of my family history, I can't take many hormones - no estrogen whatsoever. So for the next 6 months, I'll be taking Provera days 16-26 in an attempt to get my body to regulate itself. If that doesn't work, then we'll move into the harder drugs.

We just built a deck in the backyard so Cole now has a place to play! Pictures to come... :D

Spring is here!

...or maybe it's summer! We're looking at topping 90 today, and the humidity is already at 68%. And it's not even 10 am. Today, we're packing up a picnic and heading to the park again. We have been out all week, and it's been awesome! It's motivated me so many ways - I'm working out again, dusting off the pilates DVDs and On Demand for a little variety, cleaning the house, bought everything to get my herbs planted... I can't wait for summer time again! Fresh basil, tomato, mozzarella salad, grilling every night, dinner on the patio Mmmmm!



Cole is getting outrageous! It's crazy to think that 3 months ago, he couldn't sit up. Now, we sit, stand, crawl, pull himself up, cruise around the furniture - I have never seen so many finger prints on one TV daily! - and he doesn't stay still for a second. We're on the move! We've also moved in to 18-24 month clothes. For cereal. The kid is a tank! We went to lunch with a friends 10 month old the other day, and Cole towered over him.

He is so inquisitive. Everything is exciting! We weren't a big fan of grass in the beginning, but yesterday he decided to crawl off his blanket and discover the wonderful world on pinecones. The verdict? Delicious.



He is also a swing man. The child has never been happier! We are about to deck in the back of the yard and turn the wisteria trellis into a swing area. I can't wait to be able to take him to the swings - in the backyard!

A tip for the mommas - It's all about the YOGURT IN A TUBE. Cole is obsessed! We went to Panera one day and decided to get him some mac n cheese. The side dish was the same price as the kids meal, and it came with a yogurt too, so why not? Well, it came with a Horizon Organic Yogurt Tube. I was terrified. I did not bring a bib. This was BOUND to be an outfit disaster. Turns out, it was a million times neater than the mac n cheese was. (And if anyone knows where to find the Horizon organic yogurt tubes, drop me a line! I haven't found them at the grocery store!)

On that note, it's time to pack up and get ready before the man awakens!

Cycle Day 62...

and waiting for a call back from the doctor.

All the times in my life I would have KILLED to go this long without a period, and when does it happen? Oh yeah. WHEN I NEED IT. You can't get pregnant if your ute is broken. You can't NOT TRY if you need to get doctors involved to jumpstart your ovaries. Cycle #2, lasting January, February, AND March... and 2 boxes of (negative) OPKs. How many posts ago was it, where I declared I would NOT be buying OPKs?

Oops.

But who can fault me with a broken ute? I need to know what is going on in there! I didn't break down and get them until I was in the CD30's, at least.

I have a bad feeling there will not be any 'not trying' for much longer. I hate that it will always be something we have to work at, because my body can't figure out what it is supposed to do!

Okay, ending my pity party - slash - whine fest. I know women who have to fight wars with their body to have children, I am nowhere near their vicinity. I just have to go uphill.

Napping in the crib success!

The man has suddenly decided that he doesn't want to be touched in his sleep. Like mother, like son! I can't sleep with anyone touching me. The crib it is! He's been sleeping in his crib and putting himself to sleep for over 3 months now, but he had been napping in our bed. But not any more! Now he naps in his crib like a big boy. And my snuggles are slowly disappearing.... My little man is growing up! I'm not sure I like this... :D

But on the plus side, it is much easier to keep the house clean when I have nap time to myself!

I love this weather!

Getting out of the house this week has been AWESOME! Cole and I have gone to the outlets on both Monday and Tuesday. Now today, my car is in the shop, getting a last minute fix to increase the trade in value (we might get a new car tonight.. we've been looking for quite a while now) I think we will go for a walk downtown. There is this adorable little baby boutique that I've been meaning to get to. I've only been there once, while I was still pregnant. That's where I got his Aden and Anais blankets! :D

I think getting out has been good for me. I've always tried to get in a little exercise every day, but being outside lets me exercise for hours without even noticing! I decided last week I would become a mall walker like the old people LOL, but then this week has been so nice, I don't want to be inside a mall! But on rainy days, the mall it will be. Rainy like later this week :D I feel better and it has only been 2 days!

I am going to be a size 6 again. Watch out! :D Maybe even a ::gasp:: 4!

Cole is still a hearbeat away from crawling. He pulls himself along the floor, he gets himself into a sitting position, then back down into a crawling position, onto his feet with his butt up in the air LOL... he has all the pieces, has for almost 2 months now - but just doesn't have the pieces in order! He is quite the daredevil too. We went swimming, he tried to dive into the water. He will dive out of your arms, trying to get to anything! I am gonna be in big trouble when he starts walking! I always laughed at the kid leashes, but um... I now see the point. I have the visions of Cole running like a madman.

On that note, I have to get up and get dressed now. The man is napping (in his crib!) so now is my time to prepare myself for our daily outing!

Continued

I actually felt fabulous for a few days after that post, so I've decided to continue it.

I can't imagine loving my son any more than I do. It's almost painful. But there are times when I feel like I can't be bothered. Like I just need to be ME again for 10 minutes, and not mommy. But the guilt of being me interrupts that time, and though I may not be responsible for him at that moment, I'm still Mommy. It's my new identity that I can't seperate from Megan. I think that stems back with the pregnancy, and how the PPD began.

Pregnant was my identity. It was who I was for 9 months. It was my world, and it took over my being. I didn't want to be that girl, the one that being pregnant was 'it' for her, that had nothing else to talk about, but it was all-consuming. And well, let's face it. I was a SAHW, being pregnant was the only thing I had going on. It was my entire identity, I was creating a life. And then he was born. And he was FANTASTIC. But then, what was I? It was like I was done, I was over with. What purpose was *I* now? He didn't need ME specifically anymore. He could survive without ME. Anyone could care for him.

And there was suddenly the MOST. EMPTY. FEELING. I have ever experienced.

I was alone in my body again. It was like the miscarriage all over again, but completely losing myself as well. And out of desperation, I wanted to be pregnant again. RIGHT THEN. I had a 6 week old baby, I was barely functioning in the world, and I wanted to bring another baby in on top of it. Actually, I don't think I really thought about the logistics of another child, I just wanted my PURPOSE back. But instead, I had to find a new identity.

Well, that, and happy pills.

Now I'm Momma. I'm not disposable. Yes, he can *survive* without me, but no one cares for him like I do. No one knows his routine inside and out, no one knows what every cry means, no one else knows the difference between the 'tired' whimper and the 'I need some lovin' whimper. Not even Daddy. No one else can out him to sleep without a bottle. No one else can even get him to nap unless he is at the point of exhaustion.

But, it's still a struggle. I don't want to be on my medication anymore. I do think a lot of my worry and insecurity is just part of being me. I've always had it, it's just more severe now. But, I continue to take it because there are the bad days. The days when I want to run away. The days that I want someone else to take care of him just so I don't have to be responsible for him - or have the guilt if I am not. But, I know that no one else takes care of him like I do. No one else has the magic momma touch.

I stress about everything, and I don't have to. I have a great life. I have the life I always dreamed of. I have an amazing husband, a beautiful child, a house, and we can afford for me to stay home. That's kind of rare in this generation. I am like the ultimate 1950s housewife, because I chose to be. I always wanted to be a mom at home with the kids. Now I have everything I always wanted - and I struggle. In the beginning, most of the responsibility fell on Chris. I physically could not get out of bed with the baby in the middle of the night. I could not wake myself up enough to move my body. There are still nights like that, but not for the same reason. I would count down the minutes until Chris would get home, and the minute he walked in, he was on baby duty. And it would continue until the minute he left for work. My PPD was rough on him as well. I had a fabulous husband who would come home, take care of the baby, do the dishes after dinner, get up with him in the middle of the night... and I hated him. HATED him. I'm talking, thinking about a divorce daily. And leaving Cole with him. Why? I don't know. Maybe that day it was because he left his shoes in the foyer. He didn't put the burp cloth in the hamper. He left his pajamas in the bathroom. He didn't clean one out of 20 dishes properly. The minute I saw any of that, I was filled with RAGE. I literally would envision smashing things into his head. I HATED him.

I still know he gets a raw deal. I am still hard on him, I know it. I try not to be, and I try to always think about what I say before I say it. It doesn't always work, however. I am so lucky with him though. I know how much he loves me. I know that he understands a lot of this, and I know he cuts me a lot of slack and lets it roll off his back. I don't want to be the stereotypical 'I have the best husband' mushy gushy here, but he is amazing, and I am lucky that he is so forgiving of my snapping judgements. I'll say things some times, then walk away and think 5 minutes later, "Wow, that was crazy bitchy of me..." and sometimes, I'm too stubborn to apologize. Or too embarassed that I did it, so I just ignore it. I shouldn't. I know it. But in that moment... it's easier.

I stress about money, not because I have to. Not because it's tight. Because I now spend more than I EVER have before. My child is more expensive than most. I know I mentioned this in the other post, but it's something that consumes me. A part of my OCD is about money. I fear going broke. In reality, I don't have to stress like this. We wouldn't try for another child if we couldn't afford it. I'm not bragging. We aren't rich by any means. We live in a Low cost of living area, Chris bought the house almost 15 years ago so we have a low mortgage payment, and we drive VW cars LOL. I have a coupon addiction just because I won't pass up free money. That helps calm me. :D

In case you couldn't tell, today is a good day. The sun is shining, it's fairly warm, Cole and I are going to the outlets and the mall when he gets up from his nap, and we will be getting out for some shopping and exercise! Momma needs to find end tables for the living room. Days like this, I live for. I make it through the bad days because I know there will be days like this. Days where I look at my child sleeping next to me, and I'm so overwhelmed with love and adoration, I don't know whether to scream, cry, or just smother him in kisses. A day that I want to wake him up because he's been napping for over an hour, and I miss him. A day where just looking at that sweet sleeping face and those long, dark eyelashes bring such a smile to my face, that I can't IMAGINE what the rest of my life will be like with him, and all the things he will do as he grows. I can't wait for the sleepy eyeballs to make an appearance, to focus in on Mommy's face, and then a big smile to appear as he reaches for me and tries to sit straight up to grab my face. It's those moments that keep me going. It's moments like that that make me get through the bad days, because a day like this will be right on the other side.

And that is motherhood.

Letting it all out...

I don't know where to begin.

I have been a bad blogger. There are so many things swirling around in my head that as I sit down to get them out, it's so overwhelming and I give up. Most of them are depressing, I'm not gonna lie. There is so much shit to deal with, so many things I haven't admitted here, so many things I don't want people to know.

So I am going to admit it. I have postpartum depression. I was diagnosed 3 months ago, been bouncing around medications and dosages, and I still don't have it right, but it's close enough. I still have bad days however. Let me assure you, Cole isn't in danger. There is a distinct difference between PPD and postpartum psychosis. I had an inkling I would, since the OCD developed during pregnancy.

This is part of the reason I can't leave Cole. I once forced myself to go to the post office without him when he was about 4 months old. That was the last time I did it. I have major anxieties, which means I have walked away from almost everyone. If you weren't the one calling me, we weren't talking. I don't call anyone. The phone scares the beejebus out of me. What do I say? What are they *really* thinking about me while I'm talking? Are they just pretending to like me? And not only do I not call, I don't really pick up either. I fear driving. I fear going somewhere new. I don't even eat at new restaurants if I haven't been there before. I don't talk to strangers, and if I know I have to in a situation, I make Chris go with me. I have developed this HUGE insecurity about being liked and not being judged.

Another part is the anger. If I think you are judging me, I am angry. I've always had a temper. Now the fuse is shorter than ever. My family has never been a support system for me, and now I don't even want to be bothered with the shit they present. I stay away from them as much as humanly possible because I can't add their drama onto my plate. I have pretty severe OCD from the PPD. I can't stand mess. If I knew anyone that wanted my dogs, they would be gone in an instant because dogs are dirty (but I can't drop them off somewhere, I love them). I vacuum every day. I cannot have dishes in my sink. Nothing can be on my floor. I even went out and bought bookcases for Cole's toys downstairs because EVERY THING MUST HAVE ITS PLACE. I budget like you wouldn't believe.

On top of it all is that I don't have a support system. Of course I have Chris and some friends, but I don't want to burden people with this. I know it's my own issues and I don't want to make them anyone else's. In turn, I find myself practically becoming a hermit. My house is safe. Inside my house, I am myself. There is nothing to worry about (as long as it's clean...) and locked away from the outside world.

In case you couldn't tell, today is a bad day.

I want to leave the house, but I don't want to spend money. We need a new car. I need 4 doors. Cole has been growing through a size a month, and $50 a week in formula. I am so afraid of going broke. I am one pound under pre-pregnancy weight but 2 sizes up. I gained 30 pounds in the year it took to conceive Cole. I hate the way my body looks. I don't want to feel that way. I am afraid of having a daughter because of my body image issues. I can fake it really well, but your own child will see right through that. I want to have another child before Cole can remember a mom with postpartum depression. I don't want him to remember being in the house all the time. Another reason I hate my body, I'll be lucky to get 1 period by the time people have 2. I don't get chances to get pregnant every month. It's all a guessing game for timing. I don't want to have to TTC again. My body failed me with the miscarriage. My body failed my with Cole and cholestasis. My body is failing to even give me a legitimate chance of having another. My body has a 90% chance of failing my again in the next pregnancy with repeat cholestasis.

I try to remind myself every day of the bright side. If I hadn't miscarried, I wouldn't have Cole. If I didn't have cholestasis, I would have had a c-section, he would have been too big. My liver held my numbers down long enough to make it to 38 weeks, he could have been a preemie. My stretch marks are from creating my perfect son. My body gave life. I made him. And most days, just telling myself that is enough.

But some days, it's not. And those are the days I stay in the house, and lock all of that out.

There is much more swirling through my head, but the man has awoken from his morning nap...

My newest purchase

So a few of you know my stroller situation.

When I was pregnant, Chris had asked for one main thing - a stroller with big wheels. Seeing as I had picked out mostly everything, this was something I was willing to oblige. So after many outing to Babies R Us, we decided on the Jeep Liberty Stroller.



It essentially folded in half, so it would fit in the world's smallest trunk, aka my Cabrio. Right? Wrong. The tires are HUGE and sit waaay too tall. As we found out when Cole was 2 weeks and I was having a get together in Hershey with 2 friends and their babies that next day... and therefore had to run to Babies R Us at 8:30 at night with a 2 week old baby to splurge on a Snap N Go stroller. That's another $70 down the drain.



This came in very handy, seeing as it folded to practically nothing. Also, the baby seat would just snap out of the car and into the stroller (hence Snap N Go. Yep. master of the obvious here). Bring in problem #2... The tank, aka my child, has almost outgrown his infant carrier, and has transitioned to his convertible car seat in my car. Therefore, there is nothing to Snap, so no more Go.

Bring in problem #3. How do you find a stroller that folds small enough to fit in the world's smallest trunk, while still having a full recline for naps on the go, cupholders, and an under-basket? While of course, still being cute, because who wants an ugly stroller... Oh, and while not having to spend his college fund on it.

Enter my new beauty, the Joovy Kooper. To be delivered in T minus 10 hours!



Remember when you got your license and a car? Yeah, it's kinda like that.

Meanwhile, Cole is MINUTES away from crawling. We are up on all fours, rocking, and even jumping our knees forward a bit. I'm not quite ready for this, but I don't have any more time to prepare! I only have one more thing to try to slow down time...

::sticks baby in freezer::

:::waits for CPS to come knocking:::

We are just a few days away...

Cole is almost 6 months. 6 MONTHS PEOPLE! I cannot believe he has been here this long. Every day is fresh and new with him, and it still feels like yesterday when I could feel his every movement - like it or not! On the outside however, he sleeps at 3 am now instead of hosting a rave.

6 months brings yet another milestone - one not to be posted elsewhere (no FB please!) - we are officially 'not preventing'. I won't say we are TTC yet, because of all that the term entails, we are not doing. No OPKs, no BBT, no CBEFM... we will revisit this if there isn't a BFP by Cole's first birthday. We will see what happens. We would ideally like the kids no more than 2 years apart, but I know better than to count on that. Cole took a year, so I'm not holding my breath.

I am afraid of being pregnant and having Cole. Cole was rough. I'm not one of those women who enjoy pregnancy. I would go through labor 10 times over to avoid those 9 months. Now to go through it with a baby... there is no more sleeping until noon. Noon is now nap time, I've already been up, changed diapers, clothes, fed the little man, the dogs, myself, played, and in bed already. If I'm sick again, if I have ICP again... there is no laying in bad all day, there is no sleeping the day away, hell, I won't even be able to take my time while puking. I know I'll manage, but I am such a planner, and this isn't something I can figure out ahead of time. The unknown is not something I am good with!

In other news, there is a new job prospect on the horizon for Chris. Verizon has been talking layoffs again for a while now. This time however, they are talking HUGE layoffs. No one is safe - the new guys were already laid off this year. There is a great job staring him in the face. Even better benefits than we have now, their starting pay is what Chris is at now (also known as Verizon's top pay), complete job security... with one catch. He would have to join the Air National Guard. Deployment is my first worry of course. He is told highly unlikely, but of course they can't guarantee it. Deployment is voluntary, unless the entire unit is deployed. It also wouldn't be a typical deployment, it would only be until their job is done - weeks, not months. I also need to know if there is any bootcamp. Since he would be a reenlistment, he might not have to go. I'm unsure. He'll have to bring more information from the recruiter before I make my final decision. I think he really wants to though, and I would have a VERY hard time telling him no if he decides this would be a good move.

One more plus side of this though - Verizon offers a buy-out (called an ISP) before they start layoffs. This gives anyone a chance to take a lump sum to walk away. Last year, they offered a double ISP. The rumor is, this year will be a TRIPLE ISP! Since Chris already has 5 years with the company, this could be GOOD. Not to mention, if he gets a signing bonus from the ANG, we could potentially be looking at anywhere from $30,000-$50,000. Cash. Lump sum. Yeah, that would be enough to make me say yes.

Okay, enough for now. Bedtime... the man will be up bright and early, the teething monster has come to visit. Grrrr!