In Search of My Sanity

Is anyone out there?

2012-01-13T00:05:00.000-05:00

Does anyone still even read this thing?

Talk about a crazy life. Cole is so big, a true little boy. He's no longer a toddler. He can ride a scooter, a tricycle, and just about anything else, whether it's meant to be ridden or not. (The dog is NOT a small pony.) Despite a speech delay, he has fully caught up and is now right on track where he should be.

Owen is in to everything. We crawl, pull up, walk while holding on, cruises... and continually face plants in to everything around him. He really is a Rock Star. After 8 months of BFing, I've decided to wean. He has no problem with this, it's like he's had a bottle all along. I still feed him first thing in the morning, and that is the only feeding left - but seeing as that gets my a couple of extra hours sleep, I'm in no rush to give it up. We decided to use the Ferber method a few nights ago, and I was so scared he would be crying his face off - turns out when I walk out of the room, he flips over and goes to sleep. Seriously. BEST. BABY. EVER. Almost makes me want another baby!

Almost.

I'm still in therapy, and still on medication. I've been released from my psychiatrist if I would like, but I'm not sure how I feel about it. I need an appointment next month, so I really need to make up my mind. Essentially, it's if I want to stay where I'm at with my meds (Celexa 40mg, and Xanax .25mg) or if I want to play with them. I haven't made any changes since I was BFing, so I think while I am typing this out I've made a decision to stay where I am at. Guess it's time to make an appointment with my PCP!

I've hit a place where most days, besides frustrated with Cole's newfound selective hearing, I'm happy. We went to Toys R Us today, and Cole didn't want to be in the cart. He did so well. I didn't even have to drag him kicking and screaming away from the train table!

Well, now that I've entered the 21st century and got an iPhone, and discovered the blogger app, I should be on here a little more frequently than once every 6 months. I find myself blogging in my head while doing the mundane, but never actually get to sit down and write it out... Maybe that will finally change!

Potty training... or lack there of.

2011-06-28T21:57:00.000-04:00

It's been something he's been signaling for quite a while... and you know, why not just add some more on to the plate? He loves his potty, he wants you to take his diaper off and sit on it, but then he proceeds to stand up, take 2 steps, and squat down and pee on the floor. He identifies how to make himself go, we just need to put steps one and two together!

Today has been a very frustrating day for me. Cole has been screaming all day at the slightest little things. Plus, he's been quite hyper - a.k.a. rough - so I haven't been able to even get a break for 5 seconds, because he'll be on top of his brother in the bouncer. It's days like this that I feel it, like flashbacks. Can't someone else just take him for a little while? I just need 5 minutes without someone crying and whinig. But that's motherhood. And even though I wanted to run, I didn't. I need to celebrate the little things, and know that I am fighting this successfully. I will not give in to this.

As long as there are peanut butter cups.

Well, I have 2 packs of pullups - one designs, one cool feel - diapers for night, and the next step will be underwear. I figure we'll go about a week in pull-ups so he understands the feeling of being wet, and then move on to actually being wet.

Wish me luck... and sanity!

Resurrection of the Blog

2011-06-20T23:32:00.000-04:00

After much neglect - a year's worth to be exact - I had no plans to return.

It's been a long struggle. In the end however, I have two gorgeous boys, an awesome husband, and what many would look upon as a perfect life. On one hand, I know how lucky I am. On the other, I'm not happy. I'm struggling. It's been a challenge since the start - struggling to get pregnant, a miscarriage, a rough pregnancy with Cole, what we believed to be PPD, another struggle to get pregnant, a downward spiral while pregnant with Owen, and repeat pregnancy issues with Owen. To the point where, the day Owen was born, my Celexa was doubled. Shortly thereafter, I was also put on Xanax, got a psychiatrist, got a therapist, and now, moving to the blog.

I have struggled particularly with catastrophic thoughts. When the meds aren't enough, I easily find myself wishing and hoping there would be some serious accident that I would just happen to die in. When the meds are enough, I am in constant panic that I'm about to die in some freak accident. I'll elaborate more later. I also have serious control issues. In an attempt to not up the meds even more, we are trying to work through it in therapy. I am very easily frustrated and find solace in the thought of running away. Escaping would be too easy for me - I really need to work on not checking out.

I'm actually appalled that these thoughts come so easily, and that they can be so comforting. What kind of mom, in a moment of her almost 2 year old's tantrum, gets relief in the thought that she could leave this all in a heartbeat? I never wanted to be anything but a mom. Okay, maybe a famous singer or actress too, but the number one goal was to be a mom. I look at my boys, and I am amazed with them all the time - but one wrong move, one scream, one tantrum, and I could drop everything and run away in a second.

So, in an effort to retrain my brain's way of thinking, my therapist has me doing certain exercises - and one of the most important is to air out the feelings. A journal of sorts - so I can look back and see the distorted thoughts my brain creates.

Enter the blog.

Welcome back, interweb stalkers. <3

Moving on...

2010-08-10T21:20:00.002-04:00

Well, Cole has turned one.

It's time to get Trying. We tried Provera, it didn't work. My period came 33 days after my last pill, putting me at yet again 60 days. I tabled it until after his party, since there was enough stress! (More on that later.) So next step?

Clomid. 50 mg, days 5-9.

Of course, I have to have a day 1 before that can occur... so my body has one more week before we have to try Provera again. Nothing like a full drawer of pills!

On top of that, I feel AMAZING. I feel like the mom I am supposed to be! Tired, but amazing. 20mg Celexa seems to be my magic number!!

Bad Day

2010-06-15T22:23:00.002-04:00

I'm having a bad day. A very bad day. And I haven't had one in a while.

I HATE THIS.

I hate feeling like this. And now that I am on the way up, it aches that I feel like this. Today, I did not want to be with Cole. I just needed a little time without whine. Or with wine. Anything, but I needed a break. However, this made me hurt. It hurt so bad. My little boy is in pain - poor guy is cutting 6 teeth at once - and I wanted to run away. It tore me to shreds to not want to scoop him up and make it better. Instead, I wanted to turn around and walk outside. I wanted to want to be Mommy... but I didn't want to. And I couldn't make myself. I was so relieved when Chris came home and I didn't have to take care of him anymore.

I hate myself for that.

I want to want to take care of him 24/7. I want to hate that he's a total daddy's boy, but sometimes, it is such a relief. I want even higher meds. I want this to all go away. I want to be the mom I feel like I would be underneath all of this.

I have these moments. These moments of sheer bliss, where I LOVE being a mom. I can stare at my little bug and all is right. I made that. That beautiful, amazing creature that crawls up my leg, that grabs both sides of my face slobbers all over my face for a kiss (and sometimes bites!) and that finds the vacuum the most fascinating thing in the world. This happy little guy calls me Momma. Those moments make every ounce of this worth it. When he first wakes up from nap, where he's still rubbing his eyes, but catches a glimpse of me and smiles before burying his face in his blanket. Those moments, this black cloud doesn't exist.

I'm getting better. I am. I am getting MUCH better. I don't have intrusive thoughts, I don't obsess nearly as much, I can focus on one thing much easier - and those moments EXIST. More often than anything else, there are those moments of bliss. My baby is my world, and not just because he has to be. I WANT him to be. I love being with him. I love playing and bonding with him.

Most of the time.

Oh Provera... you suck.

2010-06-04T00:04:00.002-04:00

I feel like a teenage girl and a menopausal woman all wrapped in to one! Between the horrendous acne (the joys of the painful 'underground' zits, one after the other!) and the hideous hot flashes (no, I'm not kidding - it's like someone set me on fire for a minute or two), I am counting down the days of stopping this medication. I really thought it would be easier, taking a pill a day for a whopping 10 days a month.

Yeah, no.

This is when I revert back to the pre-Cole days, wondering why on earth my body can't just work like everyone else's. But honestly, I don 't really even have the time to sit and ponder it. As you see, the blog has been dearly neglected. Now, as I scramble to poorly update, it's 12:09, and Cole's new wake up time is looming over my head. You see, my sleep-like-Momma baby has been replaced. Suddenly, after moving his wake up time to 9, then 8:30, then 7...

We now wake up at 5:45. On the nose.

And now, at 12:11, I am completely incoherent and rambling.

Aaaaaand goodnight.

10 months old

2010-05-25T22:02:00.002-04:00

How did this happen? It's still like yesterday to me that he was born. He is such an amazing little boy. He took his first steps on Sunday! He is in to everything, obsessed with Sesame Street, hangers, power cords, and bungee cords. So glad I waste my money on toys!

I have been a bad blogger. Truth is, so much is going on, I haven't been ready to air it. I'm still not sure I'm ready, but I'm going to anyway. I messed with my own medication. I had forgotten to take it for a while, and I figured I may as well not take it anymore. After all, we would like to have another baby, and I assumed I would have to be off it during pregnancy anyway. Biiiiig mistake. So not only am I back on it, but I am actually on a higher dose now - 20mg instead of 10. Turns out, 20mg is perfectly safe during pregnancy until nearing delivery.

And speaking of pregnancy, or lack thereof... My period yet again went missing. After going to my MW, we developed a bit of a plan. Because of my family history, I can't take many hormones - no estrogen whatsoever. So for the next 6 months, I'll be taking Provera days 16-26 in an attempt to get my body to regulate itself. If that doesn't work, then we'll move into the harder drugs.

We just built a deck in the backyard so Cole now has a place to play! Pictures to come... :D

Spring is here!

2010-04-07T09:44:00.009-04:00

...or maybe it's summer! We're looking at topping 90 today, and the humidity is already at 68%. And it's not even 10 am. Today, we're packing up a picnic and heading to the park again. We have been out all week, and it's been awesome! It's motivated me so many ways - I'm working out again, dusting off the pilates DVDs and On Demand for a little variety, cleaning the house, bought everything to get my herbs planted... I can't wait for summer time again! Fresh basil, tomato, mozzarella salad, grilling every night, dinner on the patio Mmmmm!

Cole is getting outrageous! It's crazy to think that 3 months ago, he couldn't sit up. Now, we sit, stand, crawl, pull himself up, cruise around the furniture - I have never seen so many finger prints on one TV daily! - and he doesn't stay still for a second. We're on the move! We've also moved in to 18-24 month clothes. For cereal. The kid is a tank! We went to lunch with a friends 10 month old the other day, and Cole towered over him.

He is so inquisitive. Everything is exciting! We weren't a big fan of grass in the beginning, but yesterday he decided to crawl off his blanket and discover the wonderful world on pinecones. The verdict? Delicious.

He is also a swing man. The child has never been happier! We are about to deck in the back of the yard and turn the wisteria trellis into a swing area. I can't wait to be able to take him to the swings - in the backyard!

A tip for the mommas - It's all about the YOGURT IN A TUBE. Cole is obsessed! We went to Panera one day and decided to get him some mac n cheese. The side dish was the same price as the kids meal, and it came with a yogurt too, so why not? Well, it came with a Horizon Organic Yogurt Tube. I was terrified. I did not bring a bib. This was BOUND to be an outfit disaster. Turns out, it was a million times neater than the mac n cheese was. (And if anyone knows where to find the Horizon organic yogurt tubes, drop me a line! I haven't found them at the grocery store!)

On that note, it's time to pack up and get ready before the man awakens!

Cycle Day 62...

2010-03-17T01:04:00.002-04:00

and waiting for a call back from the doctor.

All the times in my life I would have KILLED to go this long without a period, and when does it happen? Oh yeah. WHEN I NEED IT. You can't get pregnant if your ute is broken. You can't NOT TRY if you need to get doctors involved to jumpstart your ovaries. Cycle #2, lasting January, February, AND March... and 2 boxes of (negative) OPKs. How many posts ago was it, where I declared I would NOT be buying OPKs?

Oops.

But who can fault me with a broken ute? I need to know what is going on in there! I didn't break down and get them until I was in the CD30's, at least.

I have a bad feeling there will not be any 'not trying' for much longer. I hate that it will always be something we have to work at, because my body can't figure out what it is supposed to do!

Okay, ending my pity party - slash - whine fest. I know women who have to fight wars with their body to have children, I am nowhere near their vicinity. I just have to go uphill.

Napping in the crib success!

2010-03-13T12:38:00.002-05:00

The man has suddenly decided that he doesn't want to be touched in his sleep. Like mother, like son! I can't sleep with anyone touching me. The crib it is! He's been sleeping in his crib and putting himself to sleep for over 3 months now, but he had been napping in our bed. But not any more! Now he naps in his crib like a big boy. And my snuggles are slowly disappearing.... My little man is growing up! I'm not sure I like this... :D

But on the plus side, it is much easier to keep the house clean when I have nap time to myself!

I love this weather!

2010-03-10T11:28:00.002-05:00

Getting out of the house this week has been AWESOME! Cole and I have gone to the outlets on both Monday and Tuesday. Now today, my car is in the shop, getting a last minute fix to increase the trade in value (we might get a new car tonight.. we've been looking for quite a while now) I think we will go for a walk downtown. There is this adorable little baby boutique that I've been meaning to get to. I've only been there once, while I was still pregnant. That's where I got his Aden and Anais blankets! :D

I think getting out has been good for me. I've always tried to get in a little exercise every day, but being outside lets me exercise for hours without even noticing! I decided last week I would become a mall walker like the old people LOL, but then this week has been so nice, I don't want to be inside a mall! But on rainy days, the mall it will be. Rainy like later this week :D I feel better and it has only been 2 days!

I am going to be a size 6 again. Watch out! :D Maybe even a ::gasp:: 4!

Cole is still a hearbeat away from crawling. He pulls himself along the floor, he gets himself into a sitting position, then back down into a crawling position, onto his feet with his butt up in the air LOL... he has all the pieces, has for almost 2 months now - but just doesn't have the pieces in order! He is quite the daredevil too. We went swimming, he tried to dive into the water. He will dive out of your arms, trying to get to anything! I am gonna be in big trouble when he starts walking! I always laughed at the kid leashes, but um... I now see the point. I have the visions of Cole running like a madman.

On that note, I have to get up and get dressed now. The man is napping (in his crib!) so now is my time to prepare myself for our daily outing!

Continued

2010-03-08T10:37:00.003-05:00

I actually felt fabulous for a few days after that post, so I've decided to continue it.

I can't imagine loving my son any more than I do. It's almost painful. But there are times when I feel like I can't be bothered. Like I just need to be ME again for 10 minutes, and not mommy. But the guilt of being me interrupts that time, and though I may not be responsible for him at that moment, I'm still Mommy. It's my new identity that I can't seperate from Megan. I think that stems back with the pregnancy, and how the PPD began.

Pregnant was my identity. It was who I was for 9 months. It was my world, and it took over my being. I didn't want to be that girl, the one that being pregnant was 'it' for her, that had nothing else to talk about, but it was all-consuming. And well, let's face it. I was a SAHW, being pregnant was the only thing I had going on. It was my entire identity, I was creating a life. And then he was born. And he was FANTASTIC. But then, what was I? It was like I was done, I was over with. What purpose was *I* now? He didn't need ME specifically anymore. He could survive without ME. Anyone could care for him.

And there was suddenly the MOST. EMPTY. FEELING. I have ever experienced.

I was alone in my body again. It was like the miscarriage all over again, but completely losing myself as well. And out of desperation, I wanted to be pregnant again. RIGHT THEN. I had a 6 week old baby, I was barely functioning in the world, and I wanted to bring another baby in on top of it. Actually, I don't think I really thought about the logistics of another child, I just wanted my PURPOSE back. But instead, I had to find a new identity.

Well, that, and happy pills.

Now I'm Momma. I'm not disposable. Yes, he can *survive* without me, but no one cares for him like I do. No one knows his routine inside and out, no one knows what every cry means, no one else knows the difference between the 'tired' whimper and the 'I need some lovin' whimper. Not even Daddy. No one else can out him to sleep without a bottle. No one else can even get him to nap unless he is at the point of exhaustion.

But, it's still a struggle. I don't want to be on my medication anymore. I do think a lot of my worry and insecurity is just part of being me. I've always had it, it's just more severe now. But, I continue to take it because there are the bad days. The days when I want to run away. The days that I want someone else to take care of him just so I don't have to be responsible for him - or have the guilt if I am not. But, I know that no one else takes care of him like I do. No one else has the magic momma touch.

I stress about everything, and I don't have to. I have a great life. I have the life I always dreamed of. I have an amazing husband, a beautiful child, a house, and we can afford for me to stay home. That's kind of rare in this generation. I am like the ultimate 1950s housewife, because I chose to be. I always wanted to be a mom at home with the kids. Now I have everything I always wanted - and I struggle. In the beginning, most of the responsibility fell on Chris. I physically could not get out of bed with the baby in the middle of the night. I could not wake myself up enough to move my body. There are still nights like that, but not for the same reason. I would count down the minutes until Chris would get home, and the minute he walked in, he was on baby duty. And it would continue until the minute he left for work. My PPD was rough on him as well. I had a fabulous husband who would come home, take care of the baby, do the dishes after dinner, get up with him in the middle of the night... and I hated him. HATED him. I'm talking, thinking about a divorce daily. And leaving Cole with him. Why? I don't know. Maybe that day it was because he left his shoes in the foyer. He didn't put the burp cloth in the hamper. He left his pajamas in the bathroom. He didn't clean one out of 20 dishes properly. The minute I saw any of that, I was filled with RAGE. I literally would envision smashing things into his head. I HATED him.

I still know he gets a raw deal. I am still hard on him, I know it. I try not to be, and I try to always think about what I say before I say it. It doesn't always work, however. I am so lucky with him though. I know how much he loves me. I know that he understands a lot of this, and I know he cuts me a lot of slack and lets it roll off his back. I don't want to be the stereotypical 'I have the best husband' mushy gushy here, but he is amazing, and I am lucky that he is so forgiving of my snapping judgements. I'll say things some times, then walk away and think 5 minutes later, "Wow, that was crazy bitchy of me..." and sometimes, I'm too stubborn to apologize. Or too embarassed that I did it, so I just ignore it. I shouldn't. I know it. But in that moment... it's easier.

I stress about money, not because I have to. Not because it's tight. Because I now spend more than I EVER have before. My child is more expensive than most. I know I mentioned this in the other post, but it's something that consumes me. A part of my OCD is about money. I fear going broke. In reality, I don't have to stress like this. We wouldn't try for another child if we couldn't afford it. I'm not bragging. We aren't rich by any means. We live in a Low cost of living area, Chris bought the house almost 15 years ago so we have a low mortgage payment, and we drive VW cars LOL. I have a coupon addiction just because I won't pass up free money. That helps calm me. :D

In case you couldn't tell, today is a good day. The sun is shining, it's fairly warm, Cole and I are going to the outlets and the mall when he gets up from his nap, and we will be getting out for some shopping and exercise! Momma needs to find end tables for the living room. Days like this, I live for. I make it through the bad days because I know there will be days like this. Days where I look at my child sleeping next to me, and I'm so overwhelmed with love and adoration, I don't know whether to scream, cry, or just smother him in kisses. A day that I want to wake him up because he's been napping for over an hour, and I miss him. A day where just looking at that sweet sleeping face and those long, dark eyelashes bring such a smile to my face, that I can't IMAGINE what the rest of my life will be like with him, and all the things he will do as he grows. I can't wait for the sleepy eyeballs to make an appearance, to focus in on Mommy's face, and then a big smile to appear as he reaches for me and tries to sit straight up to grab my face. It's those moments that keep me going. It's moments like that that make me get through the bad days, because a day like this will be right on the other side.

And that is motherhood.

Letting it all out...

2010-03-02T13:39:00.003-05:00

I don't know where to begin.

I have been a bad blogger. There are so many things swirling around in my head that as I sit down to get them out, it's so overwhelming and I give up. Most of them are depressing, I'm not gonna lie. There is so much shit to deal with, so many things I haven't admitted here, so many things I don't want people to know.

So I am going to admit it. I have postpartum depression. I was diagnosed 3 months ago, been bouncing around medications and dosages, and I still don't have it right, but it's close enough. I still have bad days however. Let me assure you, Cole isn't in danger. There is a distinct difference between PPD and postpartum psychosis. I had an inkling I would, since the OCD developed during pregnancy.

This is part of the reason I can't leave Cole. I once forced myself to go to the post office without him when he was about 4 months old. That was the last time I did it. I have major anxieties, which means I have walked away from almost everyone. If you weren't the one calling me, we weren't talking. I don't call anyone. The phone scares the beejebus out of me. What do I say? What are they *really* thinking about me while I'm talking? Are they just pretending to like me? And not only do I not call, I don't really pick up either. I fear driving. I fear going somewhere new. I don't even eat at new restaurants if I haven't been there before. I don't talk to strangers, and if I know I have to in a situation, I make Chris go with me. I have developed this HUGE insecurity about being liked and not being judged.

Another part is the anger. If I think you are judging me, I am angry. I've always had a temper. Now the fuse is shorter than ever. My family has never been a support system for me, and now I don't even want to be bothered with the shit they present. I stay away from them as much as humanly possible because I can't add their drama onto my plate. I have pretty severe OCD from the PPD. I can't stand mess. If I knew anyone that wanted my dogs, they would be gone in an instant because dogs are dirty (but I can't drop them off somewhere, I love them). I vacuum every day. I cannot have dishes in my sink. Nothing can be on my floor. I even went out and bought bookcases for Cole's toys downstairs because EVERY THING MUST HAVE ITS PLACE. I budget like you wouldn't believe.

On top of it all is that I don't have a support system. Of course I have Chris and some friends, but I don't want to burden people with this. I know it's my own issues and I don't want to make them anyone else's. In turn, I find myself practically becoming a hermit. My house is safe. Inside my house, I am myself. There is nothing to worry about (as long as it's clean...) and locked away from the outside world.

In case you couldn't tell, today is a bad day.

I want to leave the house, but I don't want to spend money. We need a new car. I need 4 doors. Cole has been growing through a size a month, and $50 a week in formula. I am so afraid of going broke. I am one pound under pre-pregnancy weight but 2 sizes up. I gained 30 pounds in the year it took to conceive Cole. I hate the way my body looks. I don't want to feel that way. I am afraid of having a daughter because of my body image issues. I can fake it really well, but your own child will see right through that. I want to have another child before Cole can remember a mom with postpartum depression. I don't want him to remember being in the house all the time. Another reason I hate my body, I'll be lucky to get 1 period by the time people have 2. I don't get chances to get pregnant every month. It's all a guessing game for timing. I don't want to have to TTC again. My body failed me with the miscarriage. My body failed my with Cole and cholestasis. My body is failing to even give me a legitimate chance of having another. My body has a 90% chance of failing my again in the next pregnancy with repeat cholestasis.

I try to remind myself every day of the bright side. If I hadn't miscarried, I wouldn't have Cole. If I didn't have cholestasis, I would have had a c-section, he would have been too big. My liver held my numbers down long enough to make it to 38 weeks, he could have been a preemie. My stretch marks are from creating my perfect son. My body gave life. I made him. And most days, just telling myself that is enough.

But some days, it's not. And those are the days I stay in the house, and lock all of that out.

There is much more swirling through my head, but the man has awoken from his morning nap...

My newest purchase

2010-02-04T02:06:00.002-05:00

So a few of you know my stroller situation.

When I was pregnant, Chris had asked for one main thing - a stroller with big wheels. Seeing as I had picked out mostly everything, this was something I was willing to oblige. So after many outing to Babies R Us, we decided on the Jeep Liberty Stroller.

It essentially folded in half, so it would fit in the world's smallest trunk, aka my Cabrio. Right? Wrong. The tires are HUGE and sit waaay too tall. As we found out when Cole was 2 weeks and I was having a get together in Hershey with 2 friends and their babies that next day... and therefore had to run to Babies R Us at 8:30 at night with a 2 week old baby to splurge on a Snap N Go stroller. That's another $70 down the drain.

This came in very handy, seeing as it folded to practically nothing. Also, the baby seat would just snap out of the car and into the stroller (hence Snap N Go. Yep. master of the obvious here). Bring in problem #2... The tank, aka my child, has almost outgrown his infant carrier, and has transitioned to his convertible car seat in my car. Therefore, there is nothing to Snap, so no more Go.

Bring in problem #3. How do you find a stroller that folds small enough to fit in the world's smallest trunk, while still having a full recline for naps on the go, cupholders, and an under-basket? While of course, still being cute, because who wants an ugly stroller... Oh, and while not having to spend his college fund on it.

Enter my new beauty, the Joovy Kooper. To be delivered in T minus 10 hours!

Remember when you got your license and a car? Yeah, it's kinda like that.

Meanwhile, Cole is MINUTES away from crawling. We are up on all fours, rocking, and even jumping our knees forward a bit. I'm not quite ready for this, but I don't have any more time to prepare! I only have one more thing to try to slow down time...

::sticks baby in freezer::

:::waits for CPS to come knocking:::

We are just a few days away...

2010-01-21T01:10:00.002-05:00

Cole is almost 6 months. 6 MONTHS PEOPLE! I cannot believe he has been here this long. Every day is fresh and new with him, and it still feels like yesterday when I could feel his every movement - like it or not! On the outside however, he sleeps at 3 am now instead of hosting a rave.

6 months brings yet another milestone - one not to be posted elsewhere (no FB please!) - we are officially 'not preventing'. I won't say we are TTC yet, because of all that the term entails, we are not doing. No OPKs, no BBT, no CBEFM... we will revisit this if there isn't a BFP by Cole's first birthday. We will see what happens. We would ideally like the kids no more than 2 years apart, but I know better than to count on that. Cole took a year, so I'm not holding my breath.

I am afraid of being pregnant and having Cole. Cole was rough. I'm not one of those women who enjoy pregnancy. I would go through labor 10 times over to avoid those 9 months. Now to go through it with a baby... there is no more sleeping until noon. Noon is now nap time, I've already been up, changed diapers, clothes, fed the little man, the dogs, myself, played, and in bed already. If I'm sick again, if I have ICP again... there is no laying in bad all day, there is no sleeping the day away, hell, I won't even be able to take my time while puking. I know I'll manage, but I am such a planner, and this isn't something I can figure out ahead of time. The unknown is not something I am good with!

In other news, there is a new job prospect on the horizon for Chris. Verizon has been talking layoffs again for a while now. This time however, they are talking HUGE layoffs. No one is safe - the new guys were already laid off this year. There is a great job staring him in the face. Even better benefits than we have now, their starting pay is what Chris is at now (also known as Verizon's top pay), complete job security... with one catch. He would have to join the Air National Guard. Deployment is my first worry of course. He is told highly unlikely, but of course they can't guarantee it. Deployment is voluntary, unless the entire unit is deployed. It also wouldn't be a typical deployment, it would only be until their job is done - weeks, not months. I also need to know if there is any bootcamp. Since he would be a reenlistment, he might not have to go. I'm unsure. He'll have to bring more information from the recruiter before I make my final decision. I think he really wants to though, and I would have a VERY hard time telling him no if he decides this would be a good move.

One more plus side of this though - Verizon offers a buy-out (called an ISP) before they start layoffs. This gives anyone a chance to take a lump sum to walk away. Last year, they offered a double ISP. The rumor is, this year will be a TRIPLE ISP! Since Chris already has 5 years with the company, this could be GOOD. Not to mention, if he gets a signing bonus from the ANG, we could potentially be looking at anywhere from $30,000-$50,000. Cash. Lump sum. Yeah, that would be enough to make me say yes.

Okay, enough for now. Bedtime... the man will be up bright and early, the teething monster has come to visit. Grrrr!

I gots an award!

2010-01-11T21:33:00.002-05:00

Sweetpea has bestowed upon me this little number:

My first award! Part of this though, is to tell you 10 random things about myself. This might take a while. :D

1. I hate an astounding hatred for pickles. I have never met another person who does, but they are gross to me. If I order a cheeseburger at McDonald's, I KNOW if they just took off the pickles or if they made a fresh one - and I won't eat it if they just took them off.

2. I cannot have anything on my feet to sleep. I know when I am able to fall asleep by the temperature of my feet - if they are hot, it's time for bed. Seriously. If they are still cold, I won't be able to fall asleep, so I watch TV until they heat up LOL!

3. I'm a natural blonde, and color my hair dark brown for every fall and winter. It washes out by the time summer hits, so then I'm blonde again. While most people go blonde, I go dark. It's also naturally curly, which you will almost never see.

4. I've never met my best friend. <3

5. I used to be the biggest coffee-holic in the world. I had about an 8 cup a day habit, more if I was tired or stressed. Then I got pregnant, and now, if it's not a Peppermint Mocha, I'm not interested. Also, I am so backwards with this - most people become lightweights after pregnancy. I can drink better than I ever have now LOL!

6. I went to an all-girls private Catholic high school. Knee socks and all.

7. I have the distinguished palate of a 4 year old, but I will try everything. Even fish, though I consistently hate it. You never know when something could be good. I used to like crab, ate it all the time as a child. Then I went years without having it, got it one day thinking I loved it... nope. Not anymore.

8. On the same lines, I have a total wuss mouth. When I do get my peppermint mochas, I order them at 130 degrees (instead of the traditional 190). I cannot drink/eat anything hot at ALL.

9. I am only of the extremely few females that are colorblind. My dad, brother, sister #3, and myself are all extremely bad at it. There have been many things I don't buy Cole because purple is a girl color... only to be told later that they are blue. Oops.

10. I am still taking my prenatals. This way, I can experiment with haircuts, and it grows right back in a matter of 2 weeks. :D

Now for my 5:

Danse

Catie

Rachi

Callie

Brigid

<3

New Year's Spark

2010-01-11T00:17:00.002-05:00

I joined Sparkpeople. I have to lose this weight.

It's ironic, actually. In the year it took to make Cole, I gained 30 pounds. In the 9 months it took to bake Cole, I gained 18 - and had to fight to do it. The baby weight fell right off me - plus 2 pounds. The wanting-a-baby weight, however... that has stuck around. Literally. AROUND. I have a spare tire completely around my waist. I look 12 weeks pregnant. I even bought a body-sucker. Oh, I mean, slimmer. :D Yeah, it helps... a little. It smoothes and redistributes, but unless they make one of those out of steel, it's not gonna cut it.

Now my diet (weekday diet, anyway...) involves a whole lot of turkey, swiss cheese, lettuce, whole wheat pita, and hummus. Let's not forget the light yogurt too... And I really like it! This weekend was a massive fail, consisting of pizza Friday, Red Lobster Saturday, McDonalds and pizza Sunday... and a LOT of booze in there with it! Time to get back into it.

Cole and I have a workout hour. Okay, it's more like a half hour. He jumps in the jumperoo, I run on the treadmill. Okay, okay... I run for about 3 minutes until I think I'm dying and then walk. :D I'm hoping he's gonna let me start the 30 day shred too, but I don't really know when I am going to. I was planning to do it at night after he goes to bed, but I'm usually exhausted by that point, so I sit down to a nice screen full of Farmville.

I have really had enough of this cold spell - I would normally take him for a walk in the park and then come home and shred while he jumps. The only problem is, when the wind chill puts the temperature at -5 degrees, you don't take the baby out walking, no matter how well he's bundled.

I am going to try a new plan tomorrow. I will shred while he jumps and then walk when he sleeps. I think the Shred will probably be more productive than walking anyway, so if I have to skip one, it's probably better to skip the walk. I'll let you know how it goes!

I'm a Boy Mom

2010-01-05T13:37:00.002-05:00

and it is totally different that being a girl mom. Baby Rabies has a fabulous entry on it - you should go read it. A little tear comes to my eye. I hate when people act like having a boy is a misfortune, or a negative thing, or almost pity-enducing... I love every minute. I even hope for yet another boy, because he is so much.... well, there is no word for what he is!

And I too had that moment of panic when I saw those boy bits on the ultrasound. What do I do with a boy? I don't watch sports, I don't play sports, and my husband hits the floor at the sight of blood. I still fear the day Cole comes through the front door with some kind of appendage barely hanging on, blood gushing on the floor, and I have to rush him to the ER to stop the bleeding - and my husband to treat his concussion. But you best believe, I will have the camera in hand, and once everyone is okay, I will have one HELL of a laugh about it!

Being a Boy Mom means slobbery kisses and hugs that start with a running leap.

Being a Boy Mom means saving hundreds on clothes, even if only to spend that amount or more later in life on ER visits.

Being a Boy Mom means developing a keen eye for bugs and coming to terms with the fact that sometimes they can just be considered an extra helping of protein.

Being a Boy Mom doesn’t mean you won’t continue to be squeemish about things like spiders, it just means your squeels will be entertaining to the boy who taunts you by trying to eat one.

Being a Boy Mom means being the builder of block towers so big they lean and topple, leaving you both in stitches.

Being a Boy Mom means developing a very watchful eye while changing diapers, always on the lookout for that surprise pee stream attack.

Being a Boy Mom means having the pleasure of watching your son learn from his father, and then reminding his father that at a certain age they will start to repeat the F word, even if that F word is shouted at a TV during a sporting event.

Being a Boy Mom means you’ve been given the tremendous opportunity and challenge to raise someone who will grow up to be a respectful, loving and kind man. He may break hearts, but hopefully, with your guidance, he will do so gently, and ultimately he will make some lucky partner very, very happy.

Being a Boy Mom may mean giving up the fantasy of getting your nails done together after a frilly tea party, but it’s replaced by so many fun future memories that you can’t even begin to think up because right now you just don’t know what to do with a boy.

Don’t worry… it will come to you.
~Baby Rabies

2009 - a year in review

2010-01-03T15:14:00.016-05:00

There is no topping 2009. This has absolutely been the hardest and greatest year of my life... for one obvious reason. Because of this same reason, the blog has been greatly neglected. One New Year's Resolution however, is to get back to it!

My sweet little boy is now 5 months, and the absolute light of my life. We have finally settled into a routine, which makes life both easier and difficult. When we are at home, every day runs like a well oiled machine. Wake up at 7, eat, back to bed, wake up for the day at 10. One hour of play, breakfast for Cole, the dogs, and me, nap almost 2 hours. Two hours of play, nap - anywhere from 1 to 3 hours. Play, start dinner, eat, bath, book, bottle, bed.

This also means, if I leave the house, I am screwed since naps will consist of 30 minutes and I will pay for it the rest of the day! But it's fabulous, I wouldn't have it any other way. I just never leave the house without the Moby, and make sure to do everything on one day!

So here is my year a la Cole in pictures:

January

February

March
IT'S A BOY!

April

May

June

July
He's HERE!

August

September

October

November

December

It's been one AMAZING ride! Can't wait to see what 2010 brings... a sibling, perhaps? ;)

It's been a year!

2009-11-23T00:54:00.002-05:00

One year ago today, 11.22.08, Cole was simply...

THIS.

An entire life in one teeny little line. The most beautiful little line I have ever seen, still to this day.

Vote for Cole!

2009-10-27T22:59:00.000-04:00

http://gapc-vote.com/?p=1872107

You will be given a few 'offers' before voting, but every one has a 'skip' option!

I would really like it if Cole would stop growing...

2009-10-19T14:50:00.002-04:00

Not only would I get my actual money's worth out of these clothes, but there would be no GROWTH SPURTS.

Aka the DEVIL.

Cole went through his 3 month spurt a wee bit early - and we were back to eating every 3 hours through the night. He pushed his bedtime back at the same time, so Mom and Dad were in a world of hurt. Sleep started at 12:45, then we were up at 4, 6:30, 9, 11, and then we would either wake up for the day or go back to sleep until 1 PM! It was like being a newborn again, with days and nights mixed up. Granted, I have ALWAYS been like that, but over the past 3 months, I've been conditioned to go to bed by 11. Midnight is suddenly an ugly hour. And don't get me started on the lack of naps - on Saturday, the man was awake for 8 HOURS STRAIGHT.

We've never gotten off every 2 hour feedings during the day, but he even bumped them a bit closer to an hour and 45! Just when I put the PNP back up in our room, when I'm ready to pull out my hair and lose it... he STTN again. Ahhhh sweet relief! He went down last night at 11ish, in his crib at 11:30, and he slept in the crib until 5:30. He was fussing then, almost to a cry, when I went, got him, brought him into bed, grabbed the bottle - and realized he was fast asleep again. Munchkin did not wake up until 9am!

We still have no interest in rolling from back to belly, which Mommy is grateful for at the moment. He does love his feet, and is now exploring things with them! We put him in his stroller last night during dinner under the ceiling fan (his favorite thing in the world at the moment!) and when we were cleaning up, Chris noticed he was trying to put his feet up on the tray. Sure enough, he really was! I put my hands there, he started kicking my hands. The boy has aim! He's also started drooling, blowing spit bubbles, and chomping/licking everything in sight - especially his hands and my shoulder!

I am amazed at him every day. He is becoming such a little person, not just a baby! He is so alert, so nosy, so interested in EVERYTHING. He's such a happy guy! He LOVES his bath especially. He will splash around, kick his legs, swing his arms, and laugh! Every once in a while, he'll even get so excited, he'll let out a squeal! He is the happiest bath baby ever.

Speaking of the little man, he's waking up. Have to cut it short!

Thank God there is INSURANCE.

2009-10-09T00:06:00.002-04:00

-Induction, delivery, epidural, pediatrician, circumcision, hospital stay
Total cost of 07.23 to 07.27: $17,674.80

-Two rounds of betas, quad screen, and weekly blood work to monitor cholestasis
Total cost: $2901.00

-3 ultrasounds
Total cost: $1105.00

Total for all hospital claims: $21,680.80

Total out of pocket expense?

$0.

Dear Aetna,

<3

that is all.

Long time, no post...

2009-10-05T18:53:00.007-04:00

It's been the most exhausting and exhilarating 2 months of my life!

Cole is such a good baby. I definitely won the baby lottery with him! Granted, he's president of the Crap Napper Society, but sleeps so well at night that I won't complain. Most times, he sleeps through the night. Last night, he went down at 10pm, woke up to eat at 6:30, and went back down until noon. NOON! The last time I slept until noon, I was pregnant!

Cole is such a big guy! My handsome little man is not so little. At 2 months, he is the size of your average 4 month old. At birth, he was 7lbs, 6oz, and 20". At one month, he was 10lbs, 14oz, and 22 3/4". At two months, he was 13lbs, 10oz, and 25"! That's 89th percentile for weight, and 99th for height! Considering I'm 5'1", we know it didn't come from me! :D

He has also started rolling! He rolled one day at 7 weeks, but I'm pretty sure it was unintentional. I don't really count it. It took him about 10 minutes, and never showed another drop of interest in it again... until Saturday (10.03) when he went down for tummy time, and just threw back his head, threw back his arm, picked up his leg, and kicked himself over. He did it twice on Sunday too! Now, back to belly we are showing no interest in - which I am quite thankful for. It's been pointed out to me that rolling while changing poo diapers is an Olympic sport that there is no practicing for.

Cole did have his first ER trip - talk about scary. He had one hell of a fever the day after his shots - 102.5. They sent us in, they took blood (from a vein people! No little heel prick!), had to use a catheter for a urine sample, took a chest xray, and we are waiting on cultures. Preliminary results are all negative, so it looks promising that it was strictly over his shots. They are slightly worried about GBS, since I was positive and dialated so quickly after they broke my water that I only received one dose of antibiotics.

We are currently on our second of 2 weeks out in Pittsburgh... it's COLD here! I had to go out and get him a hat :D It's a little difficult to live in a hotel with a baby, but luckily the company sprung for the suite - which happens to be a King Suite with a Jacuzzi! Cole is the happiest camper in the monster bathtub. It's practically a pool! He is the happiest bath time baby - he will not sleep at night without his bath. He's a serious creature of habit. His night routine MUST start at 9:30 or Mr. Crankpants comes to visit.

A few things for the moms-to-be - my list of useful and junk. I plan on making a full post, but for now, a quick list. Now, this is just what I discovered - I know there are people who hate gowns, who swear by the mittens, who loved t-shirts... write it on your own blog. :D

Get:
SwaddleMes - at least 3 if your kid is a puker like mine!
Carter's speedy exit creepers (onesies that snap all the way down the front, no over-the-head, easy belly button access)
Sleep n plays (snaps for the day, ZIPPERS at night. You never want to try to match up those tiny little snaps in the dark!) Carter's and Old Navy sell ones with flippy hands (built in mittens) to keep life simple.
BABY LEGS (do you know how hard it is to get jeans on and off a baby?)
Carter's Gowns - until he hit 3-6m clothing, he never wore anything else for bed. Keep things simple for middle of the night diaper changes! And they have flippy hands!
Gerber Burp clothes - the kind that are like cloth diapers, NOT the terrycloth ones. 3 for $8.99
Shout Advanced - again, especially if your kid is a puker like mine. (To be crazy cautious, I put it through a double rinse cycle in the washer. My skin is super sensitive, so I can only imagine his is too. I can only use All Free Clear detergent for myself, and I have no problems with it. Neither has Cole.)
Dr. Brown's Formula Pitcher. Now, it is by no means a neccesity. Cole has a lactose intolerance and we had to switch him to Similac Sensitive. No matter how long you let the formula sit, there will be SO much foam on the top, it was bad. I would scoop it off with a spoon after making his bottle. The pitcher mixes the formula without incorporating air into it, and what tiny bit of foam is in there will stay in the pitcher as you pour out bottles. You can also add a little Mylicon to the bottle, but I've found Cole spits up more (he has reflux) when he gets the drops. It also has oz measurement along the sides, so you can make a full day's worth of formula at one time, pour out bottles, and when the man is hungry, I just grab a premade bottle out of the fridge.

Leave:
One piece outfits without feet. Socks don't stay on. Cole ONLY wears socks when it's cold under babylegs. And the rare occasion he gets dressed up.
Mittens. They never stayed on Cole, I lost more than I owned. Get the outfits with flippy hands insted.
DON'T stock up on clothing! We expected Cole to be a decent size, so we stocked UP on 0-3 and only purchase 2 NB outfits. He wore NB clothes for a month, and we had to go out and get more. He only wore 0-3 for ALMOST 3 weeks. He didn't wear HALF the 0-3 clothes we had bought! You never know how fast or slow they will grow. Get a few pieces, basics in each size, build from there WHEN they get there.
Baby t-shirts. Nothing like having to adjust the clothing EVERY. TIME. You touch your child. They may as well be baby half-tops.

And my general FYI: Gerber onesies run a full size too small. By the time Cole got out of the hospital, he could no longer wear his NB t-shirts. NB fits preemie, 0-3 fits NB, etc. The sleep n plays run pretty true to size, but a tad short. Carter's are longer than most brands, and get the longest time's use in my house. BabyGap sizing is dead on.

Cole is here!

2009-08-04T14:47:00.002-04:00

Cole’s birth story

We went in Thursday night at 8 pm. We were brought back right away to a Triage room – I had to wait for a room for about an hour - and I got the Cervidil right away. It turns out I had been having contractions all week, but I thought it was Cole stretching! I was a fingertip dilated already. Contractions picked up with the Cervidil in, so Cheri (my midwife) gave me an Ambien to sleep through the night.
Sleep didn’t go so well, seeing as my little man was sunny side up – and was not impressed with being monitored! They had to come in and track him down about every hour. He never liked the Doppler at any appointments, why start now? It turns out Cervidil was a big fail – it gave me contractions, but not regularly enough. Cheri came back in at about 7 am, checked me (a tight 1 cm) and gave me Cytotec to get contractions rolling. That really did its job, and hurt like hell in the process.

Cheri came back around noon, and told me she would be back after office hours, when she would break my water if it hadn’t on its own. She didn’t check me then – thank GOD, that hurts! – but told me she was ready to start Pitocin. My response was, “And my epidural too?” She laughed and told me that she would write the order for it, just to let them know when I wanted it and they would start the IV bolus. She was more than okay with that, since when my water broke, the contractions would really pick up.

Then the nurse’s shift changed.

I was doing really well laboring on my own, but contractions hurt like hell. I knew I was afraid of the Pitocin for a reason! Everyone in the room knew when I was having one, that they were to shut up in the process, let me breathe, don’t touch me or my bed… I couldn’t have yelled if I wanted to, I couldn’t bear the thought of using a muscle to do it. The pitocin was really kicking my ass at that point – contractions were coming every minute and they were actually off the monitor’s scale.

So I asked the nurse for the epidural.

The nurse, Cathy, gave me a lecture as to how it was risky to get an epidural too early, that I didn’t know how far along I was, how I should really try changing positions, a million other blah blah blah’s, and walked out. We moved me out of the bed since she said I should really stay off my back. The problem was, if I wasn’t on my back, I was having serious back labor because of his position. About an hour later, Cathy came back in, and I again asked for my epidural. This time, she rattled off a list of ‘natural birthing’ techniques. She really was pushing me to get on a birthing ball. Um, hey lady, I can’t imagine moving a muscle to scream, I have no desire to EFFING BOUNCE. When I told her no, she again just left.
Another hour goes by, she comes back in. At this point, I’m annoyed. I again ask for the epidural. She goes on this giant ramble about the birthing ball again. I snapped at her, told her I had NO desire for a birthing ball, I wasn’t getting out of the chair unless it was to get on the bed for my epidural placement. She continued with her birthing ball speech, and after the FOURTH time telling her no, I just closed my eyes and ignored her. It’s now 5:30pm, I’ve been in labor for over 21 hours without relief. Cheri calls, says she is leaving the office and will be over in a little bit. When she asked how I was doing, the nurse – while standing next to me, replied, “She rates her pain at a nine, but I think she might just be ‘allergic to pain’.” I thought I was going to DECK HER. She said something again about the birthing ball, and the only response she got from me was “OH. MY. GOD. NO.” She went to leave the room, and told my sister-in-law that she was going to go get the birthing ball to show me how to use it!

When my sister-in-law told me what she said, I got PISSED. I told her that if she comes in this room with that DAMN BALL, I WAS GOING TO F@*&ING CHOKE HER WITH IT. My SIL tried to intercept the nurse at the door, and told her that I did NOT want the ball, and she literally pushed past her and said, “I’m just going to show her how to use it.” I had to SCREAM at her “NO! I DON’T WANT IT!” then laid my head back, closed my eyes, and breathed through yet another endless contraction. The nurse stared at me for a minute, then backed out of the room – and took the ball with her.

After about a half an hour, Cathy reemerged. She sat down next to me and gave me a speech about how she was my advocate, and how she talked to the anesthesiologist who told her an epidural can last for days, and about some other patient’s natural birth that I didn’t even listen to… I finally cut her off midway through her ‘I didn’t mean to make you mad, I’m only here to help’ speech to tell her that when I say no, I mean it – and when I say it 4 times, I REALLY mean it. That isn’t an invitation to have your own ideas. Oh, and that whole allergic to pain comment – just because I am not SCREAMING my head off doesn’t mean I’m not in pain. Look at the effing monitor! I asked her if SHE would feel better if I were to start screaming through my contractions, then would she believe me? Then can I get my epidural? Cathy tried to rationalize it as ‘her way’ to describe my situation to Cheri, quickly apologized, and again left the room.

There was suddenly a situation in the Special Care Delivery, and Cathy would no longer be my nurse since she was needed there. YES! Danielle from the night before would be there for the next hour. Cheri arrived shortly after, saw me in the chair, and I watched her face drop. She asked me why I didn’t have my epidural. Insert story here about crazy nurse… Cheri was PISSED. First thing out of her mouth was “I didn’t want you to feel your water broken. I WROTE the order for the epidural, she had it.”

At this point, I had now been in labor for 22 hours. It was 6:30 on Friday night. Another nurse change, Erin was on duty, who would be there the whole time. I loved her! Cheri checked me, and I was a loose 1 cm. 22 hours of labor and all day of pitocin and I’ve only gone from fingertip to 1 cm?! She broke my water - and BAM. I didn’t know pain like that existed. I couldn’t breathe through the contractions, I couldn’t do anything. I was prepared for them to get worse, but I thought maybe they would ramp up, not immediately change! Luckily, I only had to deal with that for about 10 minutes before Dr. Davis came with that magic epidural. It was in place in about a minute. He was GOOD.

At that point, it was time for a nap. I was exhausted. I slept for about 2 hours, then my SIL and MIL came back in. We talked for about an hour, when suddenly, I had to poop. I know everyone says that means you are ready to push, but being as 3 hours ago I was 1 cm, no, I was pretty sure I just had to poop. After a very awkward conversation with Erin about how to go about that, there was no poop progression. She decided to check me to see how things were going, and yep, it was time to push. 1 cm to 10 in just under 3 hours.

Pushing sucked. I’m not gonna lie. At first, it felt good to push, like it was a relief of some kind to the pressure. About 20 minutes into it, I started having this hip pain on my right side. Every push made the pressure worse. My contractions were still 2-3 minutes apart, and every time I stopped pushing to wait for another contraction, I thought my hip was going to break. My epidural was still in, but I was in tears with the hip pain. After an hour of pushing, Erin called Cheri to see what she thought. Cheri and Dr. Eichenlaub came in. It turns out Cole was stuck on my hip. Every time I pushed, I was pushing him harder into my hip.

Get ready to cringe.

So Dr. Eichenlaub pushed Cole back up, out of my hip, and had to turn him so I would have a chance at getting him out. One hour of pushing, undone in 2 minutes… then the fun started. I could hear Cheri and Dr. Eich talking, but I didn’t even hear what they were saying. MIL, SIL, and Chris told me afterward, and Dr. Eich the next morning, but I am so glad I didn’t hear this. Cheri had come up to my head at one point to tell me about once his head comes out, I still needed to push hard to get his shoulders out. There was apparently a big debate going on about whether or not he would be able to come out at all. I was pushing, they had gotten the vacuum ready, but decided it could be a danger to use it. He was either going to come out or we were going to the OR. I started tearing on the inside, so I was given an episiotomy. I had no idea I did actually – and Dr. Eich actually apologized that he had to do it the next day LOL. After about 5 more contractions, they were ready to pull the plug and head for the OR, which I again didn’t know. I pushed his head half way out, when my contraction ended. Talk about pressure! I was BEGGING for someone to pull him out – what I didn’t know was that they weren’t going to touch him – and I had to stay like that for 3 minutes until the next contraction. All I wanted to do was push, and I wasn’t allowed to!

I remember asking my SIL, “How far out is he?!” And her response? “I don’t know, you’re gonna have to ask my mom!” Another 3 contractions and Cole was out. He was born after 2 hours of pushing and 28 hours of labor, at 12:21 am on Saturday, July 25, 2009. He was 7lbs, 6oz, and 20” long… and the most perfect thing on earth.

The countdown is ON!

2009-07-20T14:30:00.002-04:00

Thursday night, 8 pm...

Last blood draw is DONE!

2009-07-20T10:44:00.002-04:00

Granted, there will be more after he is here to make sure my levels go down, but the last prenatal is done! Hopefully results will be in at my 1pm appointment and we'll be able to schedule everything with (almost) certainty today!

(For those that don't know what I mean, inductions are scheduled, but then you still have to call in before you go to see if they have a room. They won't start someone's labor intentionally without a place for them! :D )

I definitely FEEL the increase in the levels this week. I don't know how far up yet, obviously, but I have gotten even itchier - and a new pattern has emerged on my hands and feet. It's not a rash, I'm just... red and white speckled LOL!

I'll update later today!

Cole's eviction notice has been dated!

2009-07-15T01:07:00.002-04:00

My liver numbers are still climbing.

The plan? Get to 38 weeks, and then GET HIM OUT PRONTO! If all goes well, he will make an entrance on next Thursday or Friday! I still need a round of blood work on Monday, and we are hoping all will be fine to hold out until the end of the week. I hit 38 weeks on Wednesday, 7/22. If the liver panel results come back on Monday that we can wait, I'll be induced depending on hospital availability.

I will know on Monday when we get to meet the little man!

Another Monday approaches...

2009-07-13T00:45:00.002-04:00

and another blood draw is looming over my head.

This week is full term week though! This is the official 37 week appointment, even though he is measuring past that. Wednesday is 37 weeks exactly, so by any measurement, he is "officially" full term! Granted, I'm pretty sure my due date is just kinda tossed by the wayside with all the weekly testing now LOL! That means baby boy gets the green light - come on out at any time, buddy!

I cannot wait to meet my little man. I'm moving into full mushy mode LOL! Today, Chris and I drove down to the beach on a whim. Every weekend is becoming like a celebration - we always do something special, since we never know what weekend will be the last one alone! Last week, we did NOTHING. I know, that doesn't sound very exciting, but it was awesome. We slept in, and laid around the house all day, made dinner on the grill, and just got to be US. No errands, no rush, no hustle... just us. Today started off the same way, but it was so beautiful outside, we just had to get out. So we took the Cabrio out, dropped the top, and drove to the beach! We had chairs in the water and just let the waves roll up on our feet. Finish off with dinner at Sheetz, and if this was our last weekend together before baby, it was a great way to have it!

Results are in...

2009-07-08T01:27:00.002-04:00

and Cole gets another week on the inside!

My numbers have elevated further, but I am still in the 'safe' zone. He doesn't have to be delivered yet! Blood work repeats on Monday morning, and we should have the results by my appointment on Monday afternoon.

We're pretty much ready for him now! Since my levels are climbing, I want everything ready now... I can't rely on having 4 more weeks. His pack n play is set up in our room, the diaper bags are packed, the car seat bases are installed... I just need to now pack the hospital bag, and *still* hang the artwork in his room! I am so incredibly tired lately, that it seems to continually fall by the wayside. I get exhausted by going up one flight of stairs! I only vacuumed half the house today, it was just too much to do at once. I struggle to keep this place clean now... where did my nesting energy go, and can I have it back please? :D

In other news, heaven is a bowl of vanilla ice cream, topped with chocolate syrup and frozen strawberries. Just to let you all know... :D

Almost there!

2009-07-07T01:01:00.002-04:00

It's 1 am - which makes me 35w6d. That means Mr. Cole is officially measuring 37 weeks! My baby boy is full term! Blood results come back (again) tomorrow, so we will know if he has another week then. Hopefully we can have at least one more week, which would be best for his lung maturity, but he's officially made it out of the danger zone!

Good job buddy! :D

...and my body says "I QUIT!"

2009-06-30T02:54:00.004-04:00

Not so good news on the home front, kids.

After a very unpleasant doctor appointment on Friday, followed by immediately going to the hospital to get my blood work, it's official. My body says NO MORE! Well, it's trying to say that. We just aren't QUITE letting it yet.

First, there is the protein in my urine. For about 6 weeks now, there has been a consistent small amount. It hasn't been anything to worry about though, since the amount was only +1, and I had no other warning signs for pre-e. Apparently, my blood pressure is now on the rise. It's not clinically high yet, but it's high for me. Add that to the +1 protein, and now we have warning signs that need to be watched regularly. Little bit of good news is my fifth disease blood work came back, and I don't have it - but I assumed that since they changed my niece's diagnosis. I also never have had it though, so I am not immune and still need to be cautious. And then there is my liver.

For a while now, my hands and my feet - ESPECIALLY MY TOES! - have been SUPER itchy. Like, I may have had mosquitos trapped in socks and gloves itchy. That went on for a week straight, and one day, I erupted into a full body rash. The rash disappeared 2 days later, but the hand and foot itch stayed. A week later, I broke into the rash again, and the next day, it was again gone. So at my bi-weekly appointment, I brought it up. I told Cheri, my midwife, that I was super itchy. She guessed "The belly?" and when I told her no, my feet and hands, I watched her face drop.

Uh oh.

She then told me I needed to go from the appointment to the hospital and get the blood work done then. The rash is unrelated, a typical pregnancy thing. Good thing it appeared though, or I would have never thought to mention itchy hands and feet! They swell up and down, so I thought itching would be a logical side effect of that. Apparently, I thought wrong.

Itchy hands and feet are a major warning sign of a condition where essentially, the pregnancy hormones are clogging up my liver and it's leaking bile into my blood stream. My body can handle a small amount of this, but any kind of concentration in my blood is a MAJOR danger. It's an acid - and it would work like an acid on my organs. Not only will it wreak all kinds of havoc on my organs, but it would also cross the placenta to Cole.

The results came back today. My liver function test came back with elevated levels. I have it. Currently however, it's not yet in the danger zone. What does this mean? For one, Cole gets to stay put... for now. Two, Megan loses more blood - weekly, from here on out. There is a number that once I hit, Cole gets handed an eviction notice stat. Hopefully however, he makes it just two more weeks to 37.

I however, expected the test to come back normal. I freaked out at first, but then calmed down and figured it was just some precaution that wouldn't turn into anything, so I was completely blindsided by this news today. And didn't think to ask how far away from that "Bail" number I was. Genius. :\

So for now, it's a holding pattern. Wait and see. Google tells me that it's pretty darn rare for these numbers to hold steady, so I should expect them to climb, and fairly fast at that. When Cheri explained it to me on Friday, she said she's had 3 cases - and while 2 made it to 37 weeks, one had to be taken at 34. Luckily, we are mostly out of the danger zone with Cole - if he needed to be delivered this weekend or next week, we would be so close to full term that he shouldn't see much effect.

The only attempt I can make to help out my liver is to, basically, overhydrate. Realistically, it's not going to make a difference. Most times, you can't flush out the liver until the hormones have stopped producing. I figure however, even if I can get my little guy just one extra day closer to full term by downing a buttload of water for a little bit, then it's worth it. Plus, it's just water! I already know where every bathroom in the county is :D

That also means it's time to finish up with last minute things - time to pack the hospital bag, install the car seat bases in the car... I've already made up his bed, finished his laundry, and the toy bin is being picked up tomorrow. As soon as the pack-n-play is set up in our room, we're all set for him!

It's like a whole new house!

2009-06-24T12:23:00.002-04:00

I cannot BELIEVE the difference new carpeting makes!

Carpeting went in on Friday. My house looks fantastic! Now if I could just get it all unpacked LOL! Cole's room is coming along nicely. It's a little messy currently, I need to get the artwork and shadowboxes on the wall so I can get some of that stuff off the floor :D I also have a ton of baby laundry to do. You would think with my king sized washer, those tiny clothes would be done in one load... unless you shop like I do! I am officially not buying any more clothes though, until he starts moving into 3-6 months and I can see what the weather is like. There are a few more purchases that need to be made before Cole gets here, but I'm pretty set!

I was pulling out the newborn diapers yesterday, and I got all teary. I know how tiny babies are, I have had decent exposure to newborns, but not to my own. Considering where they come out of, they better not be adult sized! But putting away those itty bitty diapers just made me want him here more than ever. I can't wait to meet my little man!

His crib should be here shortly - hopefully :D It could be another 2 weeks, but I am hoping it arrives before that. I am holding off on washing his bedding until I have somewhere to put it!

I had a surprise shower on Saturday. My SIL got me SO GOOD! I thought I was going to a surprise birthday party for her FIL. Even after I walked in and they yelled Surprise, I still didn't get it! I was looking at my friends, like what are they doing here? Just as it was dawning on me, my SIL told me it was my baby shower :D I was completely clueless! I loved it. I have the best in-laws in the entire world.

I can't believe the things I got at my shower either. I got the convertible car seat, the high chair, the most ADORABLE diaper cake you've ever seen... I can't begin to list everything. My friends and family were SO generous. Cole will be so loved, and I hope he grows up knowing and appreciating the kind of people that are around him. I don't know what I did in my life to deserve the priviledge of calling them my friends and family.

Things are almost falling into place!

2009-06-18T00:31:00.003-04:00

Yes, I said almost. We all know I can't catch a TOTAL break!

After one major meltdown, realizing how far along I am and how little I have prepared, things have kicked into gear. I spent today making purchases and preparing the house - carpeting goes in on Friday, starting between 9 and 11 am! That means my house needs to be EMPTY - but that also means it can be filled up immediately after!

Today, I bought him a car seat. Speaking of, MAJOR shout out to healthchecksystems.com. Not only did they have my car seat, it was $5 cheaper than anywhere else, had a 5% off coupon, AND free shipping. I ordered it today at about 3 pm. Free shipping will have it here - no lie - TOMORROW. Talk about fast! But here it is, the Chicco 'Romantic' KeyFit 30:

We also purchased the swing today. I've been eyeing this one up for quite a while, and I officially had to have it! It's the Fisher Price Starlight Papasan Swing. It runs on batteries or plugs into the wall, so it's definitely perfect!

And - that's right, the shopping continued even further - I also bought his toy system for his second closet. One closet in his room is a good size, we will be installing a do-it-yourself custom shelving system in there. That of course, leaves the evil closet. The closet that is incredibly diagonal, with a pipe running down the side, which makes the thing impossible to handle. One side is 12 inches wide, while the other side is 15 inches. Adult hangers just BARELY fit in the thing - it's evil. Not to mention, you can't have anything in drawers, since the closet is so much wider than the door. So I found the perfect solution:

All that is left, is to get his dresser and bookcase! His changing table is currently stuffed in the back of the kitchen, the crib will arrive when it wants to LOL, and the only thing left is my diaper bag!

Everything else will have to wait until after my shower :D

And all that good news and progress is trumped by my newest bit of drama - my adorable niece, who I just spent time with over the weekend, has come down with Fifth Disease. My blood work was done today, so I will hopefully have the results tomorrow. My mom remembers 2 out of the 6 of us had it, but she doesn't remember which 2 LOL! So I have a 1 in 3 shot of having the antibodies :D Here's hoping I either have the antibodies, or just didn't catch the Fifth!

Cole's Crib has been purchased - again!

2009-06-15T01:06:00.002-04:00

The BonaVita Peyton Lifestyle Crib in white:

and it should be here in 2-4 weeks!

Yes, I'm slacking on the crib. Well, not really. I ordered the Sorelle Gia 4-in-1 in mid-May. After 2 back-orders, I canceled and planned on ordering it from another site. I had to re-shop to make sure, again, that the Sorelle was the perfect crib... when I again came across the Peyton. I had taken it off the list when shopping a few months ago, as I couldn't stomach the price. After all, who knows if Cole will turn out to be a beaver and destroy the crib?

Suddenly, the price had dropped more than $100! I could manage it. Still a tad over, but I can do it... until you add shipping. The lowest shipping cost was $125, while the Sorelle had free shipping. Oh, and forget the price - even if it were a million dollars and I could afford it, I CANNOT afford an 8-10 week delivery time. :sigh: Looks like I'd settle for the Sorelle. It is a beautiful crib, so I really can't complain.

Until I called our local high end baby store on a whim.

Not only did they carry Bonavita, but they carried the Peyton Lifestyle. Oh, and they had it in the store (in the wrong color) but I could go see it and feel it. They did have one in white in the main warehouse, so it will be in in 2-4 weeks... or less.

Oh, and it's $50 CHEAPER than online, with NO SHIPPING OR DELIVERY COSTS, we can pick it up at the store when it comes in.

:::swoon::: Oh how I love you, Just For Kids. You might be Amish and carry NO HOURS on Sundays for church, but I. LOVE. YOU. Almost as much as I love the creator of Nexium.

Oh, and about the carpet...

2009-06-09T00:46:00.002-04:00

It is bought and paid for! Thank you Lowe's, for having competent employees and subcontractors.

The carpet had to be ordered, so it should be in by Monday - we will get a call when it comes in and schedule a date then. I'm hoping for Wednesday the 17th. Cutting it close, yes, but really - that will have me at 33 weeks. THAT is cutting it close.

I also had to cancel the crib (Drama!) since it was yet again back-ordered further. I could get it faster by canceling and ordering from a different website - so we canceled. That of course, has to be reordered now... so much money going out at once has cheapo Megan in convulsions. :D

But, the crib should be reordered on Friday, with delivery in 2-3 weeks. That puts the arrival time right around July 4th.

Oh, and since the crib was re-back-ordered.... It is now showing as available. Cute, huh?

Rules of War

2009-06-08T16:12:00.002-04:00

Painting War, that is. This war had begun 5 years ago, and is just now ending this week. Let me describe the rules:

Rule #1 - lay out the rules before painting begins.

Some of us grew up with lazy mothers, who didn't want to paint - so she painted EVERYTHING - walls, ceiling, trim - the same color. Moving from there, into apartments where everything is white, I would have no knowledge of basic rules of paint. You will see all the following rules could have been avoided if THIS rule had been followed.

Rule #2 - Ceiling paint is not a gimmick.

After painting the walls and ceilings in the living room, hallway, up the stairs, and upstairs hallway in a lovely shade of tan called Devonshire, I was then informed that ceilings should be white. So when I painted the bedrooms, I painted the ceilings white. What kind of white you ask? White! The same can of white paint I had for the trim - white is white.

No. White SEMI-GLOSS is not the same as white ceiling paint. Please revert back to rule #1.

Rule#3 - Get more paint than you need when you buy paint the first time.

Paint is reformulated all the time, especially now for VOCs and all that stuff. So when the paint was first discussed, over the phone with DH already at Home Depot, I then learned about finishes. I wanted flat paint, seeing as we live in an 1850's townhouse - our walls are FAR from perfect. I was promptly vetoed, seeing as flat hides wall imperfections, but is apparently impossible to clean.

Imperfections versus Dirt? No contest.

So I vote eggshell. He wants semi-gloss. And I don't write down which one we buy - and since we had the perfect amount, I didn't keep the can. So when I go back to get more for touch ups a year later, I find myself staring at the paint aisle. The can was white with blue and red on it.

Eggshell has blue trim with red writing.

Semi-gloss has red trim with blue writing.

So I buy semi-gloss, figuring that he knows about paint way more than I do, I would have conceded to him. I get home, make the touch ups, HOLY SHINY SPLOTCHES ON THE WALL.

Guess it must have been eggshell.

Go to Home Depot, get a quart of eggshell, HOLY MATTE SPLOTCHES ON THE WALL. The semi-gloss was closer. And now I have to re-roll the entire thing. Luckily in the living room, I can just re-roll the spots since the lighting in the room doesn't give it away. So I work my butt off the whole day.

THE FARKING LIVING ROOM IS PAINTED IN EGGSHELL. It was WAAAY closer before. Moral of the story - write it down. Oh, and if you keep a consistent color throughout your house, USE A CONSISTENT FINISH.

There are more rules, but they will have to wait... Off to paint yet another white shiny ceiling.

Alright Lowe's... keep it together for me.

2009-05-26T14:01:00.002-04:00

The measurement is scheduled for tomorrow evening, and we should hear the results shortly after that. Considering I have already killed the pink carpet in Cole's room, this BETTER work out. I have hope for you Lowe's... don't let me down!

I wanted everything done by 30 weeks - that is tomorrow. I don't have another 3 weeks to burn on yet ANOTHER store and yet ANOTHER measurement!

::let the freak out commence:::

Fuck Home Depot... and Carpet Mart too.

2009-05-22T01:03:00.002-04:00

So, as I wrote earlier about the carpet being installed... yeah, let's say it will NOT be done by those two places.

First Home Depot - We were called last week after the measurements, and we were told $2700. We went in last night to schedule the appointment for round one of installation. We went back and sat down - first off, the old guy was so SLOW. He was reading over the entire quote, and that alone took 10 minutes. As he's reading, he says about removal of vinyl flooring in accordance with HAZARDOUS regulations (that we specifically told the guy NO, we will carpet over it, we don't mind the quarter inch ledge between two rooms... and 5 year old vinyl is not exactly hazardous, thanks.) and so he says "Oh, then we can subtract that $700..." That of course peaks my interest. I start reading the page (I can read upside down, thank you years of childhood boredom) and I see the bottom of the page says $4400!!!!!!!! Ummm WTF NO. The first page says $2700, so I would love to know where this number is coming from.

Apparently, $2700 is for CARPET ONLY.

"Well, you are getting 1300 square feet of carpet, that is a lot... we can take off a room to reduce that." Uh, no, we are not taking off rooms, we are not picking a different carpet. Our foyer wasn't measured properly (wasn't supposed to measure the whole thing) and they said they would have to come back out and measure (yet another $35), and now you want to jack the price up that we were told and saved up for by $900?! OH HELL NO. So I told dude off, got up, and walked away. Chris mentioned about how he had already paid for the measurement, so he was going to go get the file - no problem. He comes back with hand written measurements, not the file LOL, and I start looking over them.

And it clicks. How is it that carpeting MAYBE half an 1800 square foot house, do we need 1300 square feet of carpet?!

Bedroom 1 - measured as 12'x11'1". Reality? 19'x11'. Yep, that's a TAD off.
Bedroom 2 - measured as 12'x17'2". Reality? 15'x12'3". Are we in the same house?
Hallway - counted as bedroom 3 for some reason - measured as 17'4"x12'. Reality? 16 FEET BY 30 INCHES. If you can tell me how 16'x2'6" (40 square feet) equates to 17'4"x12' (208 square feet), I will pay you the $4400 they wanted for carpet.

Needless to say, we won't be using them - and we've burned $35 and 2 FUCKING WEEKS on them.

So today, we go to CarpetMart. Okay, they are running a special, Good time to buy - and they would be able to install quickly. We get to the carpet, we are looking around, literally looking at 100 different carpets - and dude is BREATHING DOWN OUR NECKS. He is standing right behind us the whole time, making comments, even as we are walking down this HUGE aisle. We did find a carpet we liked, in a manageable price range... Chris says, Let's do it.

My only problem - I forgot the paint swatch. I can't be sure that it will match the paint - and since we have an open floor plan, that color is in the living room, dining room, foyer, up the steps, and the whole upstairs hallway. I will not be repainting that! Chris is already filling out the paperwork for the order for the measurement... so I walk over to Chris and say Wait. We can run around the corner and get the paint chip from Home Depot, and come back - I don't want to spend another $30 on a measurement if it doesn't match. We don't like any other carpet here, I want to get the paint chip so we don't waste more money.

Also, I have some slight qualms that their best padding is SO expensive. We were told by a friend of the family who used to install carpet - Go BEST with the padding, and cheap but decent with the carpet.

Doesn't this DOUCHEBAG sales guy have the NERVE to say to me (right after saying the $30 is NOT refundable), that no, the $30 can be refunded if we don't like it, but if we leave, he won't be here and he doesn't want us to WASTE ANYONE ELSE'S TIME. I of course, DO NOT THINK SO. I say "OH HEEEELLLLLL NO. We can leave now."

EXCUSE ME?! No, you are saying that YOU want the fucking commision. If you want it so badly, you can wait while we go to the OTHER SIDE OF THE SHOPPING CENTER and get the damn paint swatch! You don't 1.) tell me what to do with my money, and 2.) tell me to spend MY money so you don't have to STAY LATE if you want the commission so bad.

Luckily, we went to Lowe's. When we went in, we were immediately asked if we needed help, and when I responded with "Not yet", we were actually left alone to shop in peace. When we flagged him down for help, he was friendly, attentive, actually had a CLUE about what he was talking about, and all in all, a good shopping experience. We were trying to decide between two carpets - one way cut pile, one was loop. Loop was more expensive, but I had a worry about the dogs. Instead of telling us lies just to upsell, he explained that it shouldn't snag any claws, but it is a possibility - and it will pull ALL the way across the room. (Oh, by the way, Home Depot said oh no, that wouldn't happen! Good thing I didn't believe them to begin with.) Even though it was cheaper, he told us cut pile would be a better carpet in our house. So we picked one out, a very nice color called Golden Honey, also known as yellow lab. :D

To top it all off, we got BETTER quality padding (Lowe's best is thicker, anti-microbial, anti-mold and mildew, vs. just thicker) and a better quality carpet for LESS MONEY! WAYYYYY LESS MONEY!

Now let's just hope they are freaking competent in their damn measurements and we can get through this in one piece.

...otherwise I might have kill someone.

After well over a month of neglect...

2009-05-20T13:55:00.003-04:00

I am back to the blog... momentarily, anyways.

There is so much going on right now! Today I have officially hit 29 weeks - just one week shy of 30 weeks! I don't know why 30 weeks seems like such a milestone to me - there is no difference between 29 and 30 weeks really, but 30 weeks just seems SO CLOSE to 40 while 29.... not so much.

This timing of course, only fuels my nesting rage. I don't know what it is about this little man, but I have been insane psycho nesting since somewhere around week 17. We are talking house changing, room ripping, full house remodel nesting. We always had too much in this house - Chris lived here for over 10 years before I moved in, so he had accumulated a LOT of junk. And of course, there are those typical "We haven't touched it in 5 years, but we might need it one day so we'll keep it" items... no longer. Everything has been thrown out! Everything has been emptied, removed, donated, and destroyed.

Home Depot has already come out to measure for the new carpeting, we are heading there tonight to set the appointment for the first installment - Cole's room, the upstairs hallway, and the stairs - which I am HOPING beyond hope it can be done Saturday May 30th. The second installment will be the living room, dining room, foyer, and master bedroom, hopefully around June 13th. And who would have ever thought that carpeting the stairs would be the expensive part? We are talking the REALLY expensive part! They are a separate labor fee, and if you don't want it done half assed with giant gaps on the stair foot, you are going to pay per stair. Installment one will cost 150% of what installment 2 will cost - and it will be HALF the carpet. Strange!

The crib has been ordered - it was on back order, so while not planned, we had to order it early. Now hopefully the carpeting will be here before the crib is! I will not want the crib sitting in the box, I will want it UP asap! I will be ripping carpet up this week as well - since the carpeting is wall to wall already, I need to paint the baseboards below it just in case. You never know where new carpeting is going to fall compared to the old stuff!

Nesting Must Have Product - I have been so crazy, we don't even bother with regular trash bags anymore for anywhere but the kitchen - we get the contractor bags. Heavy duty black nothing-is-getting-through-these-babies contractor bags - I highly suggest the Husky Contractor Clean Up Bags from Home Depot. Big yellow box of 42 gallon trash bags! I have gone through 2 of those boxes (32 count) since ripping up the house, and I need to get another box tonight since I used the last one last night. And no, the other brand from Lowe's is not the same - they aren't as strong and they STINK. No kidding - the whole kitchen panty now smells like those Lowe's bags.

My new ceiling fan has been put in the dining room, ceilings have been returned to white, every closet has been cleaned, paint has been completed/touched up, nursery is painted, furniture has been broken down and thrown out... and now it is time to start the last minute demolition before all the rebuild!

As long as the all of the new flooring is put in before Cole is here, and his room is completed, I can handle having to delay other remodeling... but all floors go in before baby!

That being said, Cole is still doing fantastic. I'm still measuring 2 weeks ahead consistently, and he's still a big boy :D I have been able to watch him move and wiggle and kick for a while now - I've been trying to capture it on video, but it hasn't worked out so well LOL. He is very active, and I love when he has the hiccups! I'm now moving into the stage where when he kicks hard, it hurts - it feels like being knuckled from the inside! He discovered my kidney was a fun toy a few nights ago, and I was pretty sure I was dying... but seeing as I lived, we're all god again. Just keep in mind kid, Momma has 18 years to exact such revenge... :D

Stretch Marks are the Devil.

2009-04-10T01:42:00.003-04:00

And the devil has found me.

Well, technically I was never lost.

For those of you that are squeamish, now would be the point to stop reading - I have no shame of my stretch marks and will be describing them to you and their progression in great detail.

Well, the history of stretch marks began at the ripe old age of 16, otherwise known as puberty. I was a competitive gymnast, so this was a late onset, but still mind boggling all the same. Suddenly I had boobs, hips, and stretch marks on both locations. Small, little pink cracks, that quickly faded to a silvery white. Always being semi-aware of them while no one else would be, I reserved myself to boyshort bottom bikinis.

The first pregnancy stretch marks arrived at about 16 weeks. The silvery white lines left over from puberty now suddenly had pink tips to them. 2 on the left, 3 on the right - they were continuing to rip. Not long after, I noticed 2 pink tips on the right boob - sure enough, also ripping. That week, one on the left side had made a running leap up my hip, and was now a dark pink line about an inch and a half.

At this point, I had gained one pound.

I had already been getting nightly rubdowns by the husband, in an attempt to stave off such advances of the dreaded dark pink, and well, to be honest, it was getting difficult to whip around to attempt to view my hips. I just assumed the husband would be making me aware of any new developments.

Until yesterday.

After getting our of a particularly hot shower, I was feeling super tight and dry - like, wanting-to-claw-my-skin-off-itchy tight and dry - no more blindly applying lotion. It was time to check things out.

OH MY GOD THE HORROR I SAW!

They have progressed. They have started to wrap onto my back - it looks like I was attacked by a wildebeast with some nasty claws where there were once tiny pink caps, only to be replaced by a new and more plentiful multitude of pink dots, which now have me convinced I am turning into a leopard.

Well, I did gain 7 pounds last month. That could be considered alot for the body to handle at once. Not to mention, according to my latest belly picture, I had quite the re-popping. Looks like I am going to have a big boy! I am thinking I will run out of room before 40 weeks....

See what I mean? How will this continue for over 16 weeks? :D

All the hard work paid off!

2009-04-01T17:07:00.002-04:00

All the stressing about calories paid off - I gained 7 pounds this month!

I made up for lost time. My midwife, Cheri, was proud :D She told me it was about time! They like to see a jump in weight right around 20 weeks, since that is when the spawn usually has a big growth jump.

As for the little man, he is perfect! The official ultrasound results, all of the measurements were right on target, nothing to worry about (the hip thing can't be diagnosed yet). Well, except one thing. His head is in the 80th percentile.

:::gulp:::

Other than that, I am measuring 2 weeks ahead in fundal height (24 weeks). I'd been reading my weekly emails, the one said about fundal height being equal to my belly button at 20 weeks, so I didn't think anything of it when I felt things real high, just figured it was gas. Nope... it was him. Cole just likes to hang out low most of the time, so even though the feeling is rare, it's him. Maybe he's just lost - his father's sense of direction. :D

I've hit that point in pregnancy where I can watch him kick me. This kid wants to play soccer apparently! He has quite the force behind those legs - which I do not appreciate at 3 am on my cervix. You can not come out yet little man! Stop trying to kick the door open! :D

Serious weight gain issues.

2009-03-25T17:35:00.002-04:00

Never in my life did I think gaining weight would be a problem. Especially while pregnant.

I have 5 days until my doctor's appointment, and again, my scale is reading the same. I don't get it! I'm supposed to have gained more than a pound by now. I just hit 21 weeks today, so I need to be getting an extra 500 calories a day instead of the 300. I have been eating three times more than I have ever eaten in my life, so I didn't think twice about not hitting my calorie range. According to babyfit.sparkpeople.com, I should be getting at LEAST 2100 calories. The range is 2080-2380.

There are some days where it's a REALLY good thing I drank 700 calories of orange juice! It's bad when I enter all my food for the day and it says I've had 1000 calories. That of course sends me into a panic! I know Cole got his, since he gets them first, but I can't live off 500 calories! That could explain my lack of weight gain.

It's such a double edged sword, the entire new 'food and drink for pregnancy' plan. I have to be very strict about my water intake since the b/h, so with drinking so much, I don't get hungry. Then, you are supposed to eat healthier (which is all I have the taste for lately) and think about the quality of these calories that you eat - but healthy food naturally has LESS calories in it! I literally eat all the time too - there are times I will stop eating becuase I am tired of eating. Literally, like my jaw hurts and all I can think of that I did that day is eat. :D I even make sure that every day, I eat cookies. It's girl scout cookie season, I have a 10 year old girl scout niece, and I am pregnant!! You would think that would be an easy combination for calorie perfection, but nope, not even girl scout cookies do it! I'm only averaging about 1600 calories a day - that is way under what we both need. Of course, when I do head to taco bell, then I have a 1600 calorie dinner and blow that right out of the water :D

I've only gained one pound so far - that of course makes me wonder, if I end up having GD, what the heck will I do then? The only way I am getting even CLOSE to my calories is orange juice, iced tea, and cookies! The other question is which to worry about more, quality or quantity? And if I am under one day and then over the next, does it just even itself out?

I feel like such a pregnancy failure.

Houdini's Due Date

2009-03-23T18:08:00.002-04:00

Don't get me wrong, never in my life have I felt more complete than with my son wriggling around inside me.

But at the same time, I feel so empty knowing that there was supposed to be another child, my child, who is not here. Who was supposed to be here. Even if I could go back and change it, I wouldn't, or I wouldn't have Cole. That of course brings a ton of guilty feelings, like saying that means I didn't want Houdini. I know that is not what it means, but it FEELS like that.

But I wish in some way I could have them both.

I was supposed to have a baby now.

It's weird, the feelings that come with this. I wish someone could just tell me how to feel, how I am supposed to feel. People always say that kids don't come with a handbook - neither does a miscarriage. You don't even know if you are "allowed" to be feeling this. At the same time, the guilt. The guilt of, I think about Houdini less now that I can feel Cole all the time. I have by no means forgotten my sweet baby, but the sadness is softened by the joy of Cole coming. I still think about Houdini all the time, but since the sadness isn't so life-consuming any longer, it brings feelings of guilt to replace that.

I just wish I knew how I was SUPPOSED to feel.

Well interwebs, time for the big reveal!

2009-03-17T12:25:00.002-04:00

YOU WERE RIGHT!

IT'S A BOY!!!!!!!!

Cole Patrick is on his way!

We immediately went from the ultrasound to baby Gap outlet and bought him THE CUTEST outfit! We are so excited - I wanted a boy, but was SO SURE it was a girl! At the last minute, on the way there, I was asking Chris was he thinks it is - he told me "If I were putting money on it, I'd say girl. But just guessing? I say boy." Looks like Daddy was right!

Momma's little man is on his way!

...pics to come later :D

Gender Predictions

2009-03-16T00:55:00.003-04:00

This idea is shamelessly stolen from Chrysallys :D

Madame Zaritska: The day you deliver, outside will be foggy. Your baby will arrive in the early morning. After a labor lasting approximately 24 hours, your child, a boy, will be born. Your baby will weigh about 9 pounds, 13 ounces, and will be 20 inches long. This child will have dark brown eyes and barely there blonde hair. (We both have blue eyes.. but good try! :D And a 24 hour labor for a 9lb.13oz. baby?! Bitch.)

The labor of love: It's a girl!

Babyman: It's a girl!

JustMommies: 67% girl!

The Bump Chinese Gender Chart: It's a boy!

Baby Gender Predictor: 69% girl!

Sex Ratio Test: 65% boy!

Wedding Ring Test: It's a boy!

Shettles Method: It's a boy!

Family and Friends: 50/50 EVEN!

Intelligender Kit at 11w: It's a girl!

Blog readers: 69% boy!

10 and a half hours to go!

47 hours and counting.

2009-03-14T12:58:00.002-04:00

I was doing really good with waiting. The days were just flying by, and the big date was getting closer and closer.

And now it is DRAGGING. DRAGGGGGGGGGGGING!!

47 hours. I can survive this... right? :D

Nursery work has begun!

2009-03-13T00:56:00.003-04:00

The tape is up, trim is done, and the rollers come out tomorrow!!

Well, 2 out of 3 trim is done, and 2 out of 3 rollers will come out tomorrow.. :D Because there is 3 days and 12 hours until we find out if the top of the room is blue or pink! :D The brown bottom of the walls and the white stripe will be completed tomorrow!

Pics will come up when the room is completed, an all in one type post. But for now, I bring you.... 19 weeks. :D

Husband FAIL.

2009-03-10T18:09:00.002-04:00

Chris had some down time at work today between jobs, so he calls me up and we are talking about absolutely nothing - as usual - when the conversation takes a sharp turn.

DH: "Oh, and ya know, we need to register."

Me: "For... ?"

DH: "Baby stuff. We need to make a registry. I mean you know somebody is gonna throw you a shower, they will have to get invites and stuff out."

Me: "babe, we have plenty of time. We aren't gonna make a registry before we find out the sex, and people aren't going to throw me a shower NOW."

DH: "Well yeah, I just thought it might be fun to do it right after the u/s when we find out."

Me: "Okay, we can do that."

DH: "Oh and ya know, you said you were gonna make that list for me? do you have that?"

Me: "What list?"

DH: "All the friends and family addresses that you want invited to the shower, you said you were gonna get a list ready so it was already there."

Me: "uh huh."

DH: "What?"

Me: "Who called you?"

DH: "What?"

Me: "Who called you about throwing me a shower?"

DH: "Nobody. Why would you say that?"

Me: "Right..."

DH: "Okay, it was somebody, but I'm not gonna tell you who. But c'mon, you knew someone would throw you one..."

The day my husband leans over and says "Let's go baby shopping!" is the day hell freezes over, I die, and I become the reigning ice queen of hell. I drag him to BRU so often, he would be thrilled to never set foot in that store again. Plus, I can't get out of there without spending, oh, well, let's just say more than I should. I love my husband, but the man is cheap. :D

Husband, I married you. I live with you. I know you better than you know yourself - and your every mannerism. FAIL.

But it was really cute, he thought he was being all slick. :D

I love him :D

In honor of the interwebs...

2009-03-05T03:12:00.002-05:00

There is now a "boyish" theme to my page. :D

I have total blog ADD. I can't stand it looking the same for too long, it bores me. I have the same issue with my tickers :D

So here's one more ticker for fun - but this one will last until it's done! :D

Yes, I did.

2009-03-04T02:35:00.003-05:00

I did go to the grocery store, and buy strawberries and pineapple.

And I ate a full pint of strawberries and half the container of pineapple.

And it was delicious.

17w5d pic and update

2009-03-03T15:48:00.005-05:00

New belly pic is up!

I had an appointment yesterday - and surprise! My first internal. My midwife Cheri was not amused that I was having contractions, and since some of them are painful, aka not Braxton Hicks, she had to make sure they weren't affecting my cervix. Let me just tell you - an internal where they reach ALL the way up and then AROUND and up further?!

OMGWTF!!!!!!! OUCH!!

Anyway, my cervix is still long, the contractions aren't having an effect, so I can just ignore them. I should sit through the painful real ones, but as long as they aren't happening often or regularly, I can ignore them.

I did finally gain a pound! Yay! Apparently though, I should be gaining more, so when I want that cheeseburger and fries (aka RIGHT NOW), I should feel free to have it. Awesome :D

The oranges cravings are in full force. I eat oranges until I am stuffed (one night I had 6!) and drink at least a half a gallon of orange juice a day. Fruit in general, really - yesterday's lunch consisted of running to the grocery store after the doc - since my oranges have to come from Stauffers! - and grabbing a half pound of pre-washed, cut strawberries, a pint of orange juice, and a handful of supersized wheat thins! Today, after talking to Callie, obsessing over fruit, I want strawberries and pineapples. Looks like a trip to the grocery store is in order!

I will have to have a specialized ultrasound later on (they think it will be too early to see it at the 20wk) to check spawn's hip - I was born with a congenital hip defect where my hip socket didn't close around the ball joint of my leg. There is about a 50/50 shot that it will be passed on to my child - I hope not. I was in a full body brace for a few months, and I was apparently the bad kid that could break out of the full body brace at 9 months old. my mom had to put 2 sets of 24 month clothes over top of the brace to keep me in it.

I have a feeling spawn is going to take after Momma - going to be a handful! :D

Finally - the big ultrasound has been set! Spawn will be revealed on March 16, 2009 at Noon!

Operation: Stop Braxton Hicks is in full swing

2009-02-23T23:05:00.002-05:00

16w4d - first evening of Braxton Hicks. Mistaken for movement.
16w5d - still thinking it's movement... right? No.

In the beginning, the felt kinda cool actually. Like a little wave of pressure, a tightening for anywhere from 5 seconds to 2 minutes at a time. They aren't painful 9.5 times out of 10 - every once in a while there is one that stops me in my tracks - they are just very strange.

So in less than 24 hours, I have just downed a half gallon of Turkey Hill orange juice. And damn, let me tell you - it was GOOD. As a matter of fact, right now, at 11:18 pm, my wonderful husband is at the corner turkey Hill getting me another half gallon and butterscotch krimpets.

And for those of you NON-northeast people, you do NOT know what you are missing in your lack of Turkey Hill and Tastykakes.

And with that, he is home with my goodies! Yay!

A new belly pic

2009-02-20T21:01:00.005-05:00

Well, that is the bump as of 15w5d. It's taken a while to post it, but yep... I'm huge! Everything inside my abdomen feels like it is ripping - sleeping is next to impossible - showing early isn't cracked up to be all you would expect!

In other news, the boobs have finally slowed. The final tally? 36G. G!!! I don't know how I am going to walk when I get to 9 months or so, but we'll have to find that out later. :D

10 days to my next appointment - when the big ultrasound will be scheduled! YAY! I am still betting on a girl, and still rooting for a little man :D Chris is feeling the same way. But there hasn't been a boy in over 10 years in family OR friends! It's about time for a boy. I will be 17w5d at the appointment, so it should be soon after that. Hopefully it will be that same week... cross your fingers!

Finally tally:

Boobs: 36D to 36G.
Bump: equivalent to 6 months.
Butt: Yup. Wider.
Weight gain: 0.

Now how the hell does that happen?!

Ahh the joys of pregnancy!

2009-02-06T18:19:00.002-05:00

I've been blessed with lightning crotch. Daily. Between 2:30 and 3:30 pm. It's quite amusing actually.. until I'm coming up on 2:30!

I'm currently writing this blog post while laying on my right side, while I have my husband LAYING across my right! He isn't really amused with said position, but it is the only way I can get comfortable! I just tell him that he's doing his part - I'm far more uncomfortable! :D

Other than that, everything is wonderful. I had my 2nd appointment. Everything is going well! I heard the heartbeat again on the doppler - but it was impossible to get a numerical reading! Everytime the midwife would find the heartbeat, baby would hit it and run away! We couldn't get a reading for longer than 5 seconds at a time. That's my kid, being difficult already! Stubborn like both it's parents. I just say he/she doesn't like to be invaded. :D

Cheri (my midwife) also thinks I will feel it move early. She said based on how active baby was and my uterus being forward(? I think? Maybe it was high?I already forget why LOL!) that she's betting I will feel it long before my next appointment!

I also had my first strange cravings this week. I've had cravings, but not abnormal food. I've wanted things that aren't normal for me - like yesterday's 3 glasses of milk (I hate milk...)or the stuffed mushrooms at Red Lobster (mushroom texture make me gag)but nothing was abnormal for people in general.

Yesterday, I had popcorn. And it sounded REALLY good...

to dip it in BARBECUE SAUCE.

Yup. I wanted to dip my popcorn in barbecue. But, I resisted, strictly because I didn't want to go downstairs to get it.

Today, I REALLY wanted to dip barbecue chips into a vanilla milkshake. And I would have, if there wasn't snow on the ground :D I didn't want to go out and get a milkshake. I did make my husband bring one home from work though. By that time though, the craving was gone, so no dipping LOL!

That's it though. Nothing else for now!

13w3d... Hellooooo second tri!

2009-01-29T01:44:00.001-05:00

It's official!

As of 1 hour and 45 minutes ago, I am in the second trimester. Out of the danger zone!

Good job devilspawn!!

New belly pic

2009-01-24T23:44:00.003-05:00

12w4d... officially an E cup. Yes, that's right... an E. :::gulp::::

Bad blogger, that's me.

2009-01-20T16:39:00.002-05:00

I've been anxiously holding my breath for 4 weeks now... and I still have 1 week to go. When that's done, I think I'll be back to normal - but for now, I'm still not breathing.

The morning sickness is starting to ease - there are days where I make it through without a pill! In fact, I made it three days in a row without one - and then it came back full force for two days, but I woke up today feeling good!

Until my dog puked on the floor. Then, not so good.

That's really all there is to report. Next appointment is February 2, at 2:30. I'll be 14w. I'll have the quad screen shortly after, another appointment in early March, and then the big u/s! I'll be 20 weeks on March 16th, so it should be right around there.

But for now, that's it!

I'm only 8 weeks, I swear!!

2008-12-23T01:01:00.004-05:00

Today is 8 weeks. I can breathe a little more now, since I made it through today. YAY!

However, by looking at me, you would think I was 6 months! I have superbloat now. There is a possibility that it's not all bloat, I am only 5'1", and have the shortest torso known to man - I have about 2 inches from bottom of my ribs to top of my hip on the side - about 3 1/2" in the front. Not much room on the inside for baby LOL!!

As a size comparison standpoint - I am a d-cup that you see me busting out of in that pic. Yup, the belly is PAST the girls. I feel like I should take pics of my toes now, since I will have no idea what they look like in another month at this rate!! :-)

So, without further adieu, 8 week belly pic:

It's a... blob!

2008-12-18T12:18:00.004-05:00

It's a blob... with a heartbeat! 131 bpm! Very good solid heartbeat, right in range for 7 weeks.

I'm also measuring right on schedule, right around 7w. My appointment isn't until January 5th, I probably won't get the official doctor due date until then, but things all look happy and well.

In the ultrasound pictures, the baby is the front blob, the yolk sac is the back blob. :)

Yay baby!

Take two.

2008-12-17T20:53:00.002-05:00

So my last post was all about my morning sickness, and I took down - now I suddenly have this huge fear.

It's the night before my viability ultrasound.

What if it comes back as non-viable? And do I really want what could be my last pregnancy blog about the morning sickness, the miserable part of pregnancy?

I like focusing on the things happening to me right now, not the things that could be. I think that's why I am so overwhelmed with the m/s, hormones, exhaustion... if I let that fill my mind, there's no room for anything else. Granted, it's hard not to remember m/s when you puke every time you eat, or don't eat.

Honestly, I do I even know that all this m/s is for a baby? I had it last time, and I have no baby, so really... How do I know it's even worth it to go through all this? How do I know it won't be for nothing?

Hormonal, emotional, fear.... it's easier to ignore it all and look at the right here, right now.

T minus 11 hours. Answers.

It kills me not to have answers yet, but I'm so afraid to get them.

This child is SO NOT related to me.

2008-12-14T19:13:00.002-05:00

I'm convinced I am a surrogate for someone else's child.

We just got takeout from Pat's Pizza. We ordered a BLT club with waffle fries, chicken wings with bleu cheese and celery, and mega fries with extra bacon.

I ate celery.

Those that know me in real life are usually shocked by my food habits. I eat THE WORST crap in the entire world. I love greasy, spicy, junky, anything that makes you fat, I LOVE.

The only thing I want to eat is fruit, and veggies.

RAW VEGGIES.

Anything else makes me vomit.

This is NOT my spawn. :-)

I've been tagged!

2008-12-14T13:08:00.004-05:00

1) Choose the 4th picture folder on your computer

2) Choose the 4th picture

3) Explain the picture

4)Tag 4 other people

This is when Chloe was a puppy - can you tell someone was jealous?!

Tagging: Danse, Catie, Rachi, and Blair.

Vomitus Eruptus.

2008-12-10T21:47:00.001-05:00

It's official - real morning sickness began today at approximately 6:30 am.

Standing on my sister's back porch, I suddenly got hot, sweaty, uncomfortable... and made a mad dash to the railing to dry heave and vomit what teeny bit of stomach acid I had in me.

Yup, it's here.

I proceeded to spend the entire day feeling that way - including right now. I met up with Chris for lunch at Sheetz, and since my gas light just came on, filled up my tank. Of course, the auto shut off valve didn't work! Gas spilled out of my tank, down my car, and into the giant puddle that I managed to park in, right where my gas tank was. GREAT. Except, in order to shut off the gas, I STEPPED in it. I spent the entire day smelling like gasoline, which made me want to vomit even more.

Faaaaantastic.

To top it all of tonight, I came home, and I'm spotting. Brown for the most part, with a touch of pink. PLEASE don't let this happen again. I'm calling the doctor in the morning, see what they say. As of right now, I have an ultrasound scheduled for December 18th. 8 days away.

Maybe.

Great Betas!

2008-12-02T02:08:00.000-05:00

So, they turned out well!!

Beta #1: 210

Beta #2: 599!

Those are some happy numbers. It's about time I get some good news. I really needed this today. I was told they were going to call me tomorrow to schedule the ultrasound. They would want that between 7 and 8 weeks. So, 2 or 3 more weeks today until I get a glimpse of the munchkin.

I can't wait!!

Here's hoping for a 2 week wait :-)

Had to say goodbye to an old friend.

2008-11-30T15:26:00.003-05:00

My little Lucy, also known as Piggy, or the Wuce wuce, ^the little white one, is gone. We took her to the Humane Society today and had her put down. She had a ton of issues, congestive heart failure, fluid in the lungs, narrowing of the trachea, almost completely deaf and blind... but the cancer of the mammary chain was what did her in.

She started the day off right... With 2 cans of food (the good stuff - porterhouse steak) instead of a half, half a beer, more treats than she's ever had in her life, and constant loving because I couldn't put her down.

When we took her to the Humane Society - as I bawled like a baby - she promptly entered and peed on the floor. That's my girl! She hung around with us for a while, then they took her back. We brought her home afterwards, and buried her in the backyard, curled up in a little ball how she always slept, and tucked her bowl in with her.

You were the best little dog Lucy. I still love you to pieces, and you can't imagine how much I am going to miss you. Hopefully by now you are up in doggy heaven, shaking the shit out of a squirrel that you just caught. I miss you baby dog.

So far, so good!

2008-11-28T21:20:00.002-05:00

Well, there is no spotting, no bleeding, so I am feeling good. It was right before 5 weeks that I had my first incident with spotting last time, so I am keeping my fingers crossed.

I had my second round of betas today. I haven't even gotten my numbers back from the first round! Thanksgiving interference. Now I have to wait until Monday to hear anything.

I have had a lot of cramping. Painful, uncomfortable cramping. I forgot how much pregnancy can hurt. The cramps in turn, terrify me. Have me waiting for the blood. There has been nothing. Let's keep it that way little one. Please?

Apparently... Pregnant.

2008-11-23T00:39:00.003-05:00

Well folks, it seems that I am pregnant.

Again.

Let's hope things work out this time around.

I will continue to be terrified until my first u/s, followed by passing 8 weeks. Once we hit those milestones, I think we will be fine.

But for now, here's my proof:

LOL, I love that I'm being stalked by proxy.

2008-11-08T14:37:00.001-05:00

I think it's hysterical.

Cracks my shit up.

:::waves to Exton, Pennsylvania:::

Way to go, America. NOT.

2008-11-05T00:36:00.003-05:00

That is really all I have to say about it.

I look forward to waiting for all of these promises to come to life.

He promised things he doesn't have the power to do.

So now what?

Voted!

2008-11-04T14:09:00.002-05:00

It took a lot of really hard work, but I did it.

I got up out of bed, managed to throw on a sweater and jeans, walked across the street (how inconvenient!) had to explain how I legally had 2 different names (since I still haven't changed my last name on my SS card yet - lazy!) and filled in my little black boxes.

I need a nap now. :)

Hypersensitive.

2008-11-03T15:57:00.002-05:00

Yes, oversensitive doesn't describe it. Hypersensitive I am.

So that rambling of last night actually came from an Ooops ticker. I know she doesn't mean it like this, it's just one freakin word, but when I see that above a pregnancy ticker...

It's like the big bitch of high school comes over to you, knocks your fruit punch all over you in your all white outfit and says "Ooops!" and runs off to laugh about what she just did.

And to see that she was upset about it killed me.

I'm sorry if you are reading this, it's nothing against you, but I gotta get it out.

Still struggling.

2008-11-03T00:44:00.003-05:00

I thought I was ready to wander back to the baby boards... I'm not.

I want this done with. I don't want to feel like this anymore.

I am broken, I am empty, I am shattered, I am alone.

I want nothing more than to spend every waking minute with the new babies around me. I make hour long car drives to go see them, and they kill me. I can't stand not to be around, and I can stand to be around.

I feel like my body is eating itself alive. Every minute of the day I want to cry. I want to curl up, fall asleep, and not wake up until everything has passed. I want to wake up to a world where I am going to be a mother, my husband a father, and everything as it should have been.

My body has failed me. And now, trying to get back on the horse and try again, it is still failing me. All I want is to be me again. I feel like the old me, but shattered into a million pieces in the snow. I don't know how to pick up. I don't know how to glue myself back together. I don't know how to move on.

I was driving home tonight, after leaving my baby niece, and I felt so incredibly miserably numb. I was zoned onto the road, listening, but barely comprehending the music. I wasn't even aware that I was listening to the music until I felt a tear fall.

"Every night you cry yourself to sleep, thinking 'why does this happen to me?'
Why does every moment have to be so hard...."

That's exactly how I feel. I just want it to pass. I just want to be me again.

Finally, the end.

2008-10-26T23:19:00.002-04:00

The end of this hell cycle. Official count - 46 days.

Craaaaaaaaamps. Ouch.

I know this might be controversial, but it's my blog so I am saying it anyway.

I want to give up.

I feel like this entire process is torture. I have a beautiful family with my husband and stepson. I have a kid who is not only respectful, polite, kind, decent, funny, and caring, but one who also decided that he was going to make something of himself, and even above and beyond that, is serving his country at the same time. I may not have given birth to him, I may not have seen every minute of his life, but he is my kid. I could not be more proud.

(FYI for anyone who doesn't know me - I have a good relationship with his mom, and even she calls me his "other mom", I'm not stepping on any toes or disrespecting his mother with the "my kid".)

I do feel complete with them. If we were to not have a baby, it doesn't take anything away from me. I would be the same I am now. I wouldn't lose anything, I never had it. It's like Houdini was my chance, and it just didn't come to reality.

I've been overwhelmed and consumed with thoughts of Houdini lately. Maybe this is where this is all stemming from. We bought the dream perfect crib bedding last week - and all I could think was that I would be buying crib bedding right now for Houdini. THIS would be for Houdini. I think buying it was a mistake. I couldn't bear not to have it, but I find myself wandering over to the closet, opening the door, sitting on the floor, and staring at it. I love it, but I hate it.

Chris got me diamond earrings the day we found out I was pregnant. When Houdini's due date was pushed back to April first, it later occured to me that the earrings would symbolize Houdini, his or her birthstone. We picked them up yesterday, and I stared at them. I had them put them in a box, not in my ears. It took me about an hour to work up the courage to put them in. Now I stare at them, loving them, and hating them. I have visions of flushing them down the toilet. So I walk away from the mirror.

I watch my sister and my best friend with their brand new baby girls. I see the pure love freely flowing from every pore in their bodies, I watch their husbands turn to big teddy bears when they reach out for their child, I see their hearts melt. I see the ultimate gift a wife can give her husband, their child, and can physically watch the transformation from a man to a father. I can't give my husband that. I have tried everything I know how, and I still can't give him that.

I just want to give up.

:::GASP!!:::

2008-10-20T23:41:00.001-04:00

Danse stole my blog background.

I might have to kill her. ;)

::Kisses Danse!::

Well, it took 35 days...

2008-10-19T15:14:00.003-04:00

but it appears I have ovulated.

I think.

I forgot my thermometer when I came up here for the weekend, but with 2 high temps, I made up a third. Plus, the ewcm was like normal, aka alot, not like the little bits I had for that crazy long time. With the + Opks, I'm pretty damn sure. I'm just gonna figure I did. When I get back home, I'll start temping again to be sure, but I am gonna say yes, I did.

That being said, I am counting myself out this cycle. I am officially waiting for my period to show, not the other way around. We had sex 2 days before O, but that's it - nowhere else around it since he was out of town. I realize that gives me a chance, but I just don't feel real good about my chances, especially with it taking so long to even ovulate. I realize that isn't the most factual logic in the world, but I can't help but feeling like it.

I am currently 5 dpo (most likely anyways) so next Sunday I am looking at period time. You know you wanted to know that.

Time to pack up and get ready to leave Pittsburgh for good.

I fixed the blog!

2008-10-01T15:11:00.002-04:00

After 2 days and many attempts to remove that stupid picture, I finally did it! For some reason, it was hidden in the widget HTML and in 4 - yes 4! - different spots in the HTML. Talk about outrageous - no need for 4.

Anyways, it is day 4 in Pittsburgh and it is FREEZING! It's only in the high 40s, and it is highly unnecessary to be this cold! It's only October people, not December! I was not fully prepared for this weather. I brought clothes for just in case, consisting on 1 sweatshirt, 2 sweaters, and sweatpants... enough for typical fall weather. Little was I aware that I would need a sweater every day!

I still have not hit a peak on my CBEFM either. My dearest CBEFM, we have been through this stage already. You already "know" me. There is absolutely no need for this many highs before a peak! Whatever happened to that "3 to 4 days of high"?

Looks like it might be time for an ovarian pep talk.

Fire away.

Blog Makeover!

2008-09-29T15:32:00.003-04:00

After months of drooling all over Blair's blog, but not wanting to deal with all the hassle of switching it over, I finally decided my fingers could be lazy no longer.

Pretty new blog!

The only problem is that stupid picture in my header from my last blog. I have looked all over in an attempt to find the html for it, but somehow it seems like it is embedded in my damn blog. I't ruining the look of it, it angers me.

Well, now I am in Pittsburgh. Chris was supposed to be home for good this past weekend, but it turns out he'll be here for another MONTH. Needless to say, there was no way I was going to be sitting at home for two straight months with no husband.

So we kenneled the dogs, packed us both up, and drove out to the hotel. It was really sweet - Chris had told the hotel staff that he was bringing me up, that it was going to be our anniversary coming up. When we walked into the hotel room, there was a bottle of champagne on ice, two glasses, and a card signed by all the hotel staff! I guess they really like the Verizon guys out here - hey, whatever, free booze for me! :)

First morning here sucked though - I slept in, but the husband forgot to bring me up half and half for my coffee. AKA - no coffee. I'm having a morning HOT CHOCOLATE. Delicious, but SO not coffee! We have to run out to Target tonight anyway, so I'll get some there, I just miss my coffee.

Still no peak on the CBEFM either. Still just a high, I don't even know how many that makes... enough with the tease already, he's been here for 4 days, just gimme a damn peak!!

Well, if anyone knows how to get that picture out, feel free to leave advice. I might go try to take a nap, I'm feeling prreeeeettty damn cranky. :)

And today would have been...

2008-09-19T00:44:00.002-04:00

The first day of the second trimester. Houdini would have been 1/3 of the way here. I would be so close to feeling movement inside me. The morning sickness might have been fading, might have been gone. Today would have been a major milestone.

Instead, today is nothing, but cycle day 9. The first day of peeing on the CBEFM sticks. The first day marked "low" on my chart.

Chart.

I should be pregnant, not charting.

PERIOD!!

2008-09-11T03:54:00.002-04:00

For once in my life, I am so excited it is finally here!!

I shouldn't say finally. That's the second exciting part. Everything says your first post cycle will be longer. I was only 30 days! That's shorter than I have had... EVER!

Well, this is my last blog before Chicago. I'm getting on a plane in 16 hours. Normally I have no fear of flying, but I'm a little nervous since it is September 11th. And Chicago has the Sears tower and all. Eh, whatever. I can't do anything about it, and my stepson is worth it. Deep breaths.

Okay, time to get to sleep. I have to pick up the husband tomorrow in the morning.

Bye for now!

Crap. She did it again.

2008-09-09T05:11:00.002-04:00

And so it goes....

I've been tagged by Sweetpea. The Rules:

1. Link to the person who tagged you
2. Post the rules to your blog
3. Write 6 random things about yourself
4. Tag 6 people at the end of your post and link to them
5. Let each person you have tagged know by leaving a comment on their blog.
6. Let the tagger know when your entry is posted.

6 random things about me:

1.) I recently have developed a new love that I never thought would occur. I suddenly have no desire to wear my engagement ring. I still love it to pieces, but I suddenly love just my wedding ring by itself.

2.) I too, cannot sleep with socks on. Whenever I get tired, all of a sudden, my feet get incredibly hot. Like, burning. When I was little, I used to unzip my footy sleepers and pull my legs out. My mom figured out what was going on when she would wake me up every morning, and only my arms would be in my pajamas. It was like a cape at that point.

3.) I am such a 1950s housewife. I love having dinner on the table when my husband comes in the door. I love being a stay at home wife, and the whole June Clever aspect. Because I do this, I believe I am also the ultimate feminist, in a backwards way. I choose to do it, and everyday I have people telling me how wrong it is and how I should start a business, or go to work at least part-time, blah blah blah. I have to fight against the new stereotype everyday, where it is suddenly no longer okay to be a SAHW. Where the ultimate feminist part comes in, I think a woman should be able to choose whatever she wants to do, including NOT work.

4.) I am unhealthily attached to my husband, and he is to me. We don't go out separately, we don't have boy nights or girl nights, and just being apart from each other for this past week has reduced us both - and yes, I said BOTH - to tears. I've never been sick of him - I love when he's home on vacation and I have him 24/7.

5.) I have an irrational hate for doing laundry. Even though I am a SAHW, I still manage to weasel my way into talking my husband into doing it for me. I have no idea what my objection is to it, but I would rather burn my clothes after wearing them and be stuck with nothing, than to do laundry. It's been close.

6.) I am unexplainably afraid of making phone calls. I have a strange paranoia with it. Even while DH was in Pittsburgh on Saturday, he called into the Chinese place down the street - from 4 hours away - to call and order it for me. I hate the phone. You will usually have to call me about 10 times before I will ever call you. I have no idea why, but I am very uncomfortable on the phone. I will physically start shaking and take about 10 minutes to psych myself up if I have to call somewhere I am not regularly calling.

Okay, again with the tagbacks. Let's go with Monkey, Danse, Blair, Griffin, Rachi, and Boobz.

Sweetpea made me do it.

2008-09-08T15:27:00.002-04:00

I've been tagged too... a while ago, but I was neglecting the blog. Now that I am back, here goes.

1. Where is your cell phone? Next to me on my table

2. Your significant other? I miss him at the moment.

3. Your hair? messy

4. Your mother? Paranoid.

5. Your father? aww, my daddy.

6. Your favorite thing? At this particular moment, coffee and a cigarette.

7. Your dream last night? I don't remember it.

8. Your favorite drink? Coffee, grape soda, orange soda, grape kool-aid... I can't choose!

9. Your dream/goal? Kids.

10. The room you're in? Bedroom.

11. Your hobby? Nesting.

12. Your fear? Another m/c.

13. Where do you want to be in 6 years? In a new house with 2 kids running around the backyard with the dogs.

14. What you're not? Disloyal.

15. Muffins? Lemon poppyseed. But only the inside mushy parts. I give DH the outside.

16. One of your wish list items? A new bedroom set, new carpeting, new floors throughout... too many to list.

17. Where you grew up? Norristown, PA

18. The last thing you did? Lit myself a cigarette.

19. What are you wearing? Dh's t-shirt and pink polka dot pj shorts.

20. Favorite Gadget? My LG shine cell phone. Lurve.

21. Your pet? Which one? I have 4.

22. Your computer? POS!!! Need a new one.

23. Your mood? Lonely.

24. Missing someone? Husband, excessively.

25. Your car? VW cabrio.

26. Something you are not wearing? Socks?

27. Favorite Store? Target

28. Like someone? Friends

29. Your favorite color? Blue

30. When is the last time you laughed? Today

31. Last time you cried? 2 days ago. My husband told me he was missing me, played our wedding song, and it made him cry. That made me cry.

So, now to tag others... Monkey, Danse, Boobz, and Blair. DO IT! :)

Long time, no blog...

2008-09-08T02:59:00.002-04:00

Well, I've been neglecting the blog for a little bit. It was just too hard to come on here, and see the trials of the pregnancy and miscarriage. It was a very happy time for a little bit, and there are even still times where I find my hand just resting on my stomach like I was still pregnant. I had gotten in the habit when my doctor told me exactly where the sac was, so I didn't want to relive it.

Finally, the whole detailed, graphic, way too much information story:

It started on Sunday afternoon, August 10th. It was the typical cramps, which I didn't think anything about. I had been having cramping the entire time. This too will pass. They progressively got closer together, and more painful. Around 7pm, I even remember posting to Mrs.John on the nest, when she was asking about cramping (she had just gotten her BFP) that mine were getting so bad, I was actually going to take Tylenol for the first time in the pregnancy. I was bleeding red too, but since I had been doing that the entire time, I wasn't worried.

Somewhere around midnight, something was up. These cramps were killing me, with only about 30 seconds relief in between. The bleeding was getting worse. It's okay, I will call the doctor in the morning. This just isn't normal.

1 am. Oh my god, this pain is unnatural. I'm bleeding almost like a period. Pantiliners are not cutting it anymore. I think there is a problem.

2am. Tears. Clots. Dime sized clots. I was posting on the nest for someone to calm me down. I had already had clots, and with the bicornuate uterus, it could still be absolutely nothing. I don't understand the cramping with it, but I could still be normal.

3am. Can't move. Can't breathe. Nickel size clots. The realization finally hits that it is probably over. At this point, the doctor's office will be open in 5 hours. I just need to sleep. I am so tired, I can't handle this right now. I don't even want to let my brain travel there. Turn off the lights, turn off the computer, smash up next to Chris, and the minute I pulled his arm over me, I couldn't stop it. I was bawling. I knew what was happening. He woke up, asked me what was wrong. All I could get out was "I think I am miscarrying". Now? "yea." I couldn't even hear what else he said over the sounds of myself bawling. All I remember is thinking, just try to get some sleep. And somehow, I did.

6am. Chris wakes up for work. Just the slightest movement on the bed woke me up. Immediately I was in tears. It was the most intense pain of my entire life. I cannot even describe the sheer physical intensity of it. Back on the nest. Down 3 tylenol. If I am not miscarrying - that one millionth shot in hell - I am just sticking with the tylenol. Just writhing in pain for the next two hours, nesting.

8am. Call in to the doctor's office. Who's patient are you? Dr. May. Oh, she's on vacation this week. I will have Cheri, the midwife, call you back shortly. She's not in yet.

8:15 am. Phone rings. She's gotten familiar with my chart. "So first I want you to tell me what you think is happening, and then I will tell you what is going on." "I think I'm miscarrying."

Yes, you are.

She proceeds to tell me they've been waiting for it to happen. It was in my chart. With the issues with the ultrasounds, and the lack of development, they were 99.99% sure I was going to, but didn't want to say anything. What if I was that .01%. I kind of wishI had been prepared for the possibility though.

The pain should be gone by 1pm since it had already been so long.

1pm. Still dying. Call in, tell them. Okay, she will call me back.

2pm.

3pm.

4pm. Houdini passed. I went to pee, wiped, and well, that was that. Here was this tissue, about 2 quarters side-by-side in size, where there was supposed to be a baby. What the hell do I do? Flush it? I can't. That was supposed to be my baby. I wrap it up in all but an entire roll of toilet paper, cause, well, it's gross. But it was supposed to be my baby. Chris will be home soon, he can do something with it. But oh my god, the cramps have gotten even worse.

4:30 pm. Back in tears. Call again. Oh Megan, I think someone is calling you right now. Hold on. Yup. Megan, Cheri said that she can schedule you for an ultrasound to see what is going on. I tell her I passed it, it was huge, but now I am dying. I need something stronger.

5:15 pm. Chris arrives home with a full bottle of Vicodin.

The pain continued for days, the bleeding continued for days. I had an ultrasound 2 days later, and found all major tissue had been expelled, only bits left over of what was trying to become a placenta. Two weeks later, I had my post appointment. Good to go... once I get a period.

I have to wait one full cycle. Which, knowing my cycles, with be 6 or 7 weeks. And they say that first period after a m/c can take longer than your normal cycles.

Fantastic.

I just want to get back on with it. I want a baby.

Miscarried.

2008-08-24T13:06:00.000-04:00

Well, on August 11, exactly one month to the day of my BFP, I miscarried.

Scheduled!

2008-08-07T16:49:00.002-04:00

Ultrasound is scheduled for Friday, August 15th, at 9 am.

::Fingers crossed!::

Houdini is SO grounded.

2008-08-07T14:29:00.004-04:00

Well, there is a yolk sac this week.

The official repost came back. The gestational sac is measuring 6w1d. The last ultrasound was officially measuring 5w4d. It was 9 days between ultrasounds, but there was only 4 days of growth. So the waiting game just continues.

I've been bleeding at night. Bright red, and a flow - not just spotting. However, with the BCU, that could be normal. My doctor is iffy about it, but she said I won't need to come in or be concerned unless it turns into a full period flow. Since it stops in the morning and during the day, she's not panicked about it. Sounds good to me.

I'm so tired lately. Chris is working the 1-9 shift, so our time is split up. It feels like I never get to see him. All I want to do, the whole day long, is sleep, and eat! It's craziness.

Since measuring 6w1d, that moves my due date back to April 1st. Uh oh! That moves us into diamond birthstone territory ;) My belly seems to be exploding. I realize it's all bloat, or fat... I have been on a sugar kick... but I did NOT expect to look like this quite this early! I totally look pregnant. I really want to exercise, but with the bleeding starting right after I walked the dogs, I'm afraid to. I am not trying to lose weight, or anything like that, but I feel like I am blowing up like a balloon. I'm also having a total guilt complex, since I crave sugar and cookies, and slushies, and mints, and sodas... I need to do something to balance all that out! :) I need to get to the grocery store and start having some healthier options around. I still eat my lean cuisines - they are a great lunch compared to a handful of oreos, washed down with a 7up, only to be followed by about 10 mints consecutively. At least I have them! I've been eating a lot, and I mean A FREAKING LOT! of pasta too. Whole grain though - rotini, penne, and whole grain mac 'n cheese! I was so happy when I saw that in the store - if I'm going to shove my face with mac 'n cheese, it may as well be whole grain! At least it's better for me. I honestly sit on my butt in front of the computer ALL DAY, and eat. I've gained weight like crazy since this bleeding started - I'm too afraid to do anything. I REALLY need to make healthier food choices if exercise is not an option.

That being said, I'm off to make some pasta.

I'll start tomorrow. :)

Houdini Baby has been FOUND!

2008-07-30T14:29:00.005-04:00

I got the official report from my doctor today.

They found Houdini!

While it is great news, in true Megan fashion, there has to be a little piece of drama that goes along with it. I can't catch a break! LOL.

I have a bicornuate uterus. It's a birth defect (of mine, not my baby's) where my uterus is split down the middle. I was also born with a congenital hip defect, where my ball socket that holds my hip in wasn't formed, so perhaps I shouldn't be too shocked. It's heart shaped. The baby is on the right side of my uterus, and it will only have half the room of a normal uterus to grow in. There a a few different degrees of it, and I'm not sure of how bad mine is, but there are a whole host of risks that come along with it. Early miscarriage, second tri miscarriage, pre-term labor, needing a cerclage, fetal growth retardation, and it's about a 90% chance I'll need a c-section. Well, it's not the ideal situation, but what ever it takes to keep Houdini safe, I'll do it. For now though, he/she is safe, present, and accounted for. It's also pretty much a guarantee I'll be on bed rest at some point, since I already have spotting, it's a pretty good sign that that is in my future. If that's the worst that comes, I'll be grateful.

I'm so lucky to even be pregnant. A BCU is not the end of the world. It will make things more difficult, but the end result is so worth it, so I cannot complain. There are some great women I know that are dealing with IF and would trade spots with me on this roller coaster in an instant. Yet another great thing about the Nest. It's given me an appreciation of other's struggles, and when I think the world is closing in, it provides prospective on the situation. When we thought I was miscarrying, while it was horrible and does not in anyway make it less, there was at least the fact that I could get pregnant. The outcry of support from my girls was incredible. And the outcries of joy when I found out Houdini was still there, and when we just found him/her, was amazing. While I don't them most of them IRL, I consider some of them my best friends. They're always there when I need them, and just because I don't hear their voice, it does not discredit their words in any way. I know that sounds weird, and quite frankly, I never expected a message board to be this much a part of me, but it is. And people hate on BOTB? Not when you get what I've gotten from them.

Right now, my heart goes out to Bada. I'm so sorry hun. No one should have to endure what you are going through. My heart and thoughts are with you girl.

.

Not quite good news yet...

2008-07-29T16:30:00.002-04:00

Well, we had the second ultrasound yesterday. There is a gestational sac, but it is empty. We are now in blighted ovum territory. I can't be sure, but this ultrasound tech made me think that there was a gestational sac on the last ultrasound, but I was told there wasn't. Who knows really - either the tech or my doctor misspoke. One way or another, no one knows what is really going on.

The ultrasound tech was really nice, and though she wasn't supposed to say anything, she told me that it was *still* an empty sac (which is why my head spun around...), and that they were probably going to have me do another round of betas, and another ultrasound next week. In other words, there is nothing new, and nothing reassuring. There is still just a holding pattern. I learned my lesson about taking probabilities to heart last time, thinking I had miscarried. This time around, I'm just going to wait it out. One more week won't kill me.

Well, the baby shower went fantastically. Everything was beautiful, my sister loved it, and everything turned out really well. I almost knocked out her sister-in-law, who rolled in thinking that she was going to take it over and decide what Kim should do - when she couldn't even be bothered to RSVP!!! - and was physically PUSHING my 7 month pregnant sister to open presents as soon as she got there. I had to lay down the law - presents get opened with cake. We are NOT going to have people coming in, fighting to climb over people to get to the food table while people are trying to see her open presents... NO! I had to tell her 4 times as she pushed my sister to go open them. Finally after Kim had already agreed with me and started to walk out, I all but screamed NO at her, and she pushed my sister again and said, "Kim, just go open your presents." I SLAMMED my planner book down on the stove, looked at her, and stormed into the backyard. I was going to blow up on her. Apparently I got my point across, because she shut up after that. The girl walked in barking orders, taking stuff out of my hands, and then that?! Hell no. I am the one throwing this party. You couldn't even be bothered to RSVP, let alone offer to help before hand, so DO NOT think you are controlling this.

Bitch.

Anyways, the wedding was beautiful too. The ceremony had to be moved inside, because the craziest storms of the summer arrived!! We SAW someone get struck by lightning right on the beach. Our hotel was directly across the street from the beach. Chris and I were watching the people scurry off the beach when it started to rain, and not even 2 minutes after the rain started, the LOUDEST thunder and this huge bright lightning hit. Chris' ears were ringing, and I, being such the girl I am, took off running out of the hotel doorway into the back bedroom! Not even 2 minutes later, the beach patrol trucks came flying up, and someone was jumping up and down. They weren't playing around, they threw the person on a backboard and ran off. They maybe were there for 30 seconds, and they were gone! Apparently 2 people were struck by lightning on the block our hotel was on, a girl taking down an umbrella, and a lifeguard trying to get people off the beach. Apparently a man was killed by lightning a few towns over in the same storm.

Crazy times, so good, but always a piece of drama has to go on somewhere! LOL. Well, at least it was eventful.

Back to good news again!

2008-07-24T22:44:00.002-04:00

While the news is fantastic, the price I have to pay for it is looking like a heroin addict. My arms don't tolerate blood being drawn! The arm with the worst bruise, that's actually with 2 days of healing :) Well, it's not too terrible, but on both arms, well, it's a little excessive!

But back to the good news, I am still pregnant! Some miracle came through, and my betas doubled - exactly. From 1231.2 to 2462 is 48 hours. Talk about picture perfect! My doctor is still cautious, and doesn't want me to go crazy and take it to mean everything is guaranteed fine, but for now, with the betas being perfect, I am still pregnant! I have another ultrasound to see if we can find the Houdini Munchkin, but for now, everything is exactly as it should be.

The exhaustion is setting in, only to be furthered by the lack of sleep to wake up so early today and incredible amount of work I had to do for my sister's baby shower. There is still more to be done, but nothing else I can do here. I have to wait to get to Norristown! And of course, swing by the party store first to grab a few last minute things. Laundry is finishing up, and then I am packed and ready to go. A weekend away... first my mom's all day Friday for set up, then all day Saturday for the shower and cleanup, then off to CapeMay NJ Saturday night for a wedding on Sunday, come home on Monday for a 2 pm ultrasound. Well, that about sums it up.

I'll update again after the ultrasound!

Nerves have settled in.

2008-07-24T00:58:00.002-04:00

I'm incredibly nervous for the beta tomorrow.

While being in limbo sucks ass!!, at least it's not a "no".

I'm going to be there AT 8 am, when they open, in hopes I can get the results back the same day. It's not exactly likely, but it's possible. I'm shaking just thinking about it. Quite frankly, I NEED them back tomorrow. It's really not an option.

I'm throwing my sister's baby shower this weekend. That means, all day Friday, I will be at my mom's house, helping her clean, then I have to buy the food, decorate the house, make the food... I really can't take the news while I am doing that. I want to be able to absorb the news, and quite frankly, it will just be way too painful to do all that for a baby shower the day I find out I lost one.

I feel like it will be a no. I know that's bad to think, but honestly, that's my gut. I don't see how I can be earlier. It's just really not possible. I had an external AND internal ultrasound. They would have seen SOMETHING. Somewhere. But I'm empty. I just have this gut feeling that nothing is there.

How much fun can a shower really be when I have just lost my own child? I'm praying for a miracle, and that I am still pregnant, but I can't shake this feeling. And two days will not be enough time for it to settle enough not to seep out into everything I do. It's too fresh, the wound is still bleeding, open, and sore. Yet all I can do is wait.

Waiting game. It's awful. No one should have it. No one should be exposed to this sort of torture. It's better to just KNOW. That's all I want. I just want to KNOW.

Well, no, I want more than that. I want to know I'm still pregnant. I want to know my child is growing and healthy.

But I'll settle for just knowing in general.

The Case of The Missing Baby.

2008-07-23T00:04:00.003-04:00

I've been spotting since Sunday morning. I thought it was no big deal, sex on Saturday night, no biggie. There was a clot, but I didn't really think anything of it.

Sunday afternoon, spotting stopped. Awesome. It's fine!

Sunday night, spotting begins. Another clot. Now the spotting is reddish-brown. More red than brown, but it's still there. Okay.

Monday morning, spotting is stopping. All brown. Awesome! I'm clear! Nothing all afternoon.

Monday evening, spotting returns. Reddish again, continues to morning.

This morning - Doctor's Appointment. She gets me in, up on the table, takes a look around... Definitely spotting, but my cervix is closed. Good sign. Just in case, I'm being sent over to the hospital for an ultrasound and Rh testing. This will make sure all is well, no ectopic, anything of the like.

Head over to the hospital, checking in, get my blood drawn for Rh test, and head off for the ultrasound. First there is an external, then the dildocam. My first experience with the dildocam, talk about fun. Anyways, I have to wait for the results, the radiologist will look at them and confer with my doctor, and I will get the results while I am there.

20 minutes later, the ultrasound tech comes back with a phone. My doctor is on the phone. I'm put back in the room so I can "have some privacy". Uh-oh.

"Megan, did you get your bloodwork done already?"
"Yup."
"Okay, well, I'm sending over an order for an HCG panel to measure the hormone (my betas) and then we'll have you come back in on Thursday for another round of it."
"Okay..."
"We didn't see anything on the ultrasound. No fetal pole, not even a gestational sac. At this point, you've either already miscarried, or you are waaaaay earlier than we thought."
:::Tears:::: "Okay..."
"So at this point all we can do is wait to see your HCG numbers today and Thursday to see if they go up or down."

How can I possibly be earlier than they thought? I know when I Oed. I know when we had sex. I know there is no other possible time that it could have been. And I know I got my BFP at 11 dpo, which does not make me a late implant. Please let it be something else.

At this point I make a mad dash out of the hospital, run to my car, bawl on the phone to Christopher. Full, complete, total breakdown. Why is this happening? Pull it together. Go back in.

Walk up to the greeter desk, where the greeter and a check-in nurse are talking. Check in nurse looks at me, and says, "How many times are you going to be here today?" jokingly of course.

Full, complete, total breakdown. At this point, they have 3 boxes of tissues pulled out for me.

Dr. May :::hyperventilating sobs::: faxed over :::gasp, bawl:::: a new bloodwork ::::omg I can't breathe bawling:::: paper for me.

I'm having a meltdown. In the middle of the waiting room.

At this point, the nurse is in full guilt-panic mode. Poor woman. I sit down in the chair and find myself staring. At nothing. Just staring. Let the numbness begin.

I go back into the blood room, and the nurse proceeds to take another 2 vials of blood from the SAME ARM in the SAME SPOT from the SAME VEIN as an hour ago. Not only does my arm still hurt 12 hours later, you should see this bruise. And that's WITH ice on it. As soon as the nurse took the needle out, she says "Oh that wants to bruise..." Ya think?!

I don't know what my betas are today. I'm guessing I won't know until Thursday, or Friday, whenever I get the results. I hope it's Thursday.

Now tomorrow I need to call in and see if I need the Rhogham shot. I have an appointment set up at 2, hopefully I won't need it (3 straight days of needles is a bit much, considering how well today went...) and I have to set up a time for betas on Thursday, since I was so frazzled today I forgot to.

I do however, have the best husband in the entire world. He came home from work today with a cherry slushie (my favorite!) and said, "Let's go to the beach and watch the sunset."

So we did.

We got in the car, drove over an hour to get to Elk Neck State Park in Maryland, sat on the beach for 45 minutes and watched the sunset. That is, until the park ranger kicked us out... The sunset had *just* finished, it was still plenty light out, but nope, park closes at sunset. It didn't matter, it was an awesome drive down and back as well.

Well, not including my total breakdown on the way home where I couldn't stop sobbing for 30 minutes to the point of a raging headache, sore throat, and all of my face and neck muscles hurt.

The really sad part is, the highlight of my day was Burger King breakfast. I got a sausage and cheese croissan'wich with no egg and small hashbrowns.

There was no sausage on my sandwich. It was microwaved croissant with a piece of cheese on it.

Luckily I wasn't out of the parking lot before I was going to wolf it down.

So all in all, the highlight of my day was a screwed up Burger King breakfast order.

Sad. So very very sad.

Ahh the weekend....

2008-07-20T02:12:00.002-04:00

Starts off on a bad foot!

I'm so incredible exhausted - but I cannot sleep. I will sleep for an hour, wake up, and spend the next 20 minutes trying to fall back asleep. Repeat hourly, with every other hour including a pee break. Right now I am incredibly cranky!

Lindsay's baby shower was today :) That was fun. Man, I am so jealous - you should SEE the amount of stuff she got! Her MIL alone bought half her registry! Everything was so cute - but I felt no so good. I was feeling nauseous all day today, and now that the nausea has subsided, I have outrageous heartburn. Even though it was Lindsay's shower, she got me a present! I'll put a pic in here soon, but too much effort for me right now :) It's an adorable photo frame that is the mom + dad = me 3 picture frame. I love it!!

The psycho mood swings are setting in. I got so mad at Chris today...

When we got out of the car, he grabbed the empty Popeye's bag. I had to soda, the picture frame, and a gallon of water that has no handle that I am trying to juggle all from the car inside. Now we need a new front door, you have to slam it shut and lock it immediately so it doesn't swing open and the dogs escape. He walked in - and kept going. I'm trying to push the dogs back, slam the door with my foot, and not drop anything. So I yelled over, "So nice of you to help me!" He turned around and shot back "You didn't ask me to!" He walked behind me, locked the door, doing the pissed-off breathing/sigh thing (you all know what I am talking about!) and suddenly...

The psycho took over.

That soda from Popeye's? I launched it. Threw it across the dining room. Explosion.

That jug of water? Same. But no explosion, it had a lid.

I seriously THREW a soda IN MY HOUSE.

Let the hormones begin!!

Finally - my OWN big news on the blog!

2008-07-12T01:44:00.005-04:00

I'm Pregnant!

Oh, the hideousness of the BFP bloat. And LOVING EVERY MINUTE! I bloat so badly every month - 9 lbs. to be exact. Once again, this month, I am 9 lbs. up - and all in the belly. The sad part is, you can actually SEE the line where the belly normally is without the bloat! Haha...

And to think, I wasn't go to test today! After yesterday's BFN, I was convinced I was just going to wait for my period to show up.

Being the POAS addict I am, I held my FMU this morning. I didn't pee for over an hour after I woke up, just trying to decide if I wanted to test or not. I had all but settled on NO, when an email from MysteriousWife shows up... Are you testing today?

Well, I wasn't planning on it, but how long could those cheapy dipsticks really be good for? May as well burn the last 5 or so that were left.

I run to the bathroom, PIAC, and dip the thin little dipstick. I take the dipstick with me back to my room, and just continue on BOTB as usual. I am chatting away, about to announce yet another BFN, when... wait. What is that? Is that a line? Tears. Shaking. No fucking way. Wait - for some reason, I DID NOT dump the cup of FMU. Subconcious instinct? No, I was thoroughly expecting a no. Why did I NOT dump that? Who knows.

I can't call Chris. What is that isn't a line? It is just the smallest little pink shadow. Call Lindsay. More tears, all but hyperventilating. I think I see a line. Have to test again. Dip the thicker dipstick. Screw that, I have a FRER in the cabinet too. Dip that also. Sitting on the toilet, bawling my eyes out, I look over. More lines.

OH MY GOD I AM PREGNANT!!! Lindsay shut up I have to call my husband! (LOL thanks for not being mad about that Linds!) Wait, really? YES! There are 3 lines glaring in my face. Really faint on the dip sticks, but there is no denying that FRER!! Call Chris. Have to call Chris.

Babe? I'M PREGNANT!!

He doesn't believe me. I am bawling hysterically. We scream together, oh my god, it's real. It's finally real! With all the stress this cycle, we both figured there was no way in hell. Only once did we have sex in my fertile window! Only ONCE! For the first time in a long time, fertility friend only rated me as "good" not "high". After I calm down, he tells me that when he answered the phone, he thought I was going to tell him one of our dogs died because I was bawling! That's a great story for the baby book, lemme tell ya :)

Well, he finally came home from work. Time to go out to dinner! And ya know, since we are out...

I got my first pair of maternity jeans. All the joking I did about getting them before I was pregnant, well, I should have! They are the most comfortable things I have ever worn in my entire life! They are so cute, so comfy, and LESS THAN HALF of what a normal pair costs! $16.95! Needless to say, I will be living in them. I also bought a tummy sleeve, Vitamin E body butter, and more pregnancy tests.

Hence the DARKER second line on the second test. WOOT! It's gotten DARKER! I know it means nothing, but it's just the fact. :)

My first doctor's appointment is August 27th. I don't know if they'll be doing an ultrasound, GOD I hope so!! but I will be 11 weeks at that point. That seems so late for a first appointment, but my doctor's office apparently doesn't get you in until 10 weeks - the week I am on vacation! What can you do.

I called my mom, but other than that, we want Chris Jr. to be the first to know. He'll be leaving soon, Thursday to be exact. This does mean though, that I will definitely be able to fly out to his graduation and possibly visit him down at A school. We were a little worried about it when his boot camp ship date was mid-December, that meant his graduation would be mid-February. If his date didn't get moved, we were talking about a TTC break. It would be more important for both of us to be there than to get pregnant immediately. We'd waited 7 months while trying, so it wouldn't be a big deal to skip 2 cycles (3 or 4 months) so we could both be there for him. That would have been the ONLY thing to put TTC on hold.

No longer any worries... I'm Pregnant!!!

Quitting Smoking... again!

2008-07-02T00:31:00.002-04:00

Moving in to the 2ww = Megan as a non-smoker.

The patch is back on, and at the current moment, feels like it is burning a hole through my skin! Grrr! It's enough to make me want a cigarette! I call that counter productive. Haha!

This time it will work. I will not screw up the patch again. I need to. Quitting smoking is the last thing I have yet to do to get pregnant. I do everything else right, but I haven't quit smoking. One way or another, this will be it. No more cigarettes. I am taking back control.

I'm so tired lately. I need to really clean my house! I've done our bedroom, the hallway, and the basics of the kitchen. I need to mop the floor, but I don't wanna! Yeah, that's right, I said it. I'm soooo mature. :)

Long time, no blog!

2008-06-30T23:10:00.002-04:00

Yeah, it's been a while. I'm a slacker.

Well, I've been kinda taking a break from this craziness know as TTC. I didn't chart until I got highs, and I'll only chart until O is confirmed - which should be three days from now! :) That's right ladies, today is ovulation day. I got the darkest positive on an OPK yesterday, so it was quite fantastic. We're sticking with the every other day for sex stuff, since Chris is passed out next to me right now. Although I might awaken him just for some extra last minute contributions :)

I'm so very 'whatever' this month. I'm not all worked up about TTC anymore, and honestly, this is the happiest I've been since we've started. It's a big relief. It didn't bother me to see my friend who got pregnant after trying for way less time than we have.

I even handled a 'family' picnic well. It was my SIL's (my brother's wife) family picnic, more friends than family though, and all of my family came as well. When I sat down to eat, from right to left, we had pregnant, pregnant, pregnant, new mom, mom of a 9 year old, and back to me. Not to mention, the 4 girls (3 pregnant and 1 newborn girls) did NOT stop talking about their pregnancies, and comparing notes, due dates, what have you experienced, have you eaten deli meat, etc. It drove me nuts for about 25 minutes, then I walked away, took a break, and was fine again.

It really was like a scene out of a movie though. Chris kept shooting me looks, like "Do you need to escape?" and "What kind of luck is it that you are in the middle of this?" I love him for those exact reasons, but I was really okay. I'm sure if I had my period it would have been different, but I was all good.

There is craziness come up in the next month. So many things to do, so little time! On top of it all, my transmission in my car crapped out. I need to get a new one! Too much money. That throws a wrench into things! Plus my sister's baby shower, a friend's wedding, Lindsay's baby shower, July 4th, my other sister's birthday... Not enough time this summer! I feel it slipping away... I'm excited for all of it, but where has the time gone?! Is it seriously July already?!

Time for bed.

Wish me luck! Here's to getting pregnant!

And now I'm smoking.

2008-06-13T00:38:00.003-04:00

I lost my motivation. I lost the drive. I screwed up the patch one day, slipped up, and I couldn't stick with it. I'm going to give it a few days and try again. Today was the first full day of not smoking since the slip, and I just couldn't do it. I didn't have the willpower to fight off that pull toward it. I'm now 'practicing'. I'm still fighting the urges, and only giving in when I get SUPER bitchy.

Right now I am completely exhausted. I just spent an outrageous amount of time tonight chopping, slicing, and making food. My legs actually HURT from standing so long. Flashback to working retail! I'd be fine walking that long, but not just standing. Ick.

All this is stemming from being the oldest 25 year old in the entire world. I have a kid that graduated high school, and is now enlisted in the Navy. Now I'm running my ass off to get everything done for the party because his mother is just NOT together on this. She just gave me a list of things we should bring (and coordinate with the rest of the family!) while she's doing practically nothing. We don't even know the official time yet - it's either 2 or 3. Fantastic. Man, she is such an airhead. I don't know why she didn't just let us handle this.

No I take that back, I do. CJ is a month and a half off his 18th birthday, and going into boot camp before that. She's trying desperately to be the 'cool parent' but at the same time calling him 'her baby' at the Navy recruiter! She was all upset that I took him to the recruiter's for his ASVAB instead of her husband - who CJ HATES - like I was interfering on their bonding time or something. She's now into the super clingy phase, where she is realizing 'her baby' is growing up and doesn't want to let go. Not to mention, as soon as CJ ships out, that connection to Chris is gone. In her efforts to be cool and hang on to all 3 of us, it's just become outrageously annoying - to all 3 of us. She acts like I'm her best fucking friend - I do NOT want to know about your sex life! CJ will most likely leave in less than a month. We find out on Saturday. Less than a month, and he's already talking about moving in with us to get away from her.

Example of the uh, 'coolness' : She said as a graduation present to CJ, she is going to get a tattoo of an anchor on her ankle, to show her support.

All 3 of us just stared at her for about a minute, then laughed.

Not even the guys IN the Navy get tattoos of an anchor. Plus, she would rather CJ be bagging groceries at the store than go in the Navy, and tells him this every chance she gets. She was refusing to let him go in to boot camp before his 18th birthday, until Chris ripped her a new one. Now she continually tells him how "she'll let him, but she won't be happy about it..." The kid is already enlisted! He's excited! DO NOT make him dread this - he's already sworn in, he has a military ID, you can't get him out of it now anyways, so SHUT UP!

She's becoming unbearable. Sorry if this all seems petty, but there is so much that goes on DAILY that I cannot even begin to write it all. On top of all of this, she is just in general, outrageously loud and obnoxious. That doesn't help it all either. :::Deep Breath::: One more month.

I will feel much better once the graduation party is over though.

On a really funny side note - When Christopher got back from the recruiter's, he gave me a bumper sticker that said "Proud Parent of a Sailor". When I took him home later that day, Deanna asked what he got, he told her his shirt, hat, and bumper stickers - she asked him for one. He told her No, they were going in his room! I was DYING!

Horrid day, but not smoking!

2008-06-09T23:06:00.003-04:00

I am so sick, I cannot breathe. This really old air conditioner in our room is crapping out. It cannot keep up with the heat and humidity here! There are also no other a/c's in the windows yet, as this is quite the early heat wave. This would be fine, I would put the a/c in if I could manage to get up the 2 flights of stairs with it, aka no sickness. And of course, they messed up Chris' schedule, so he was working until 9 - which turned out to be 10 - and he is still not home yet. Not to mention, the entire Susquehanna Valley was out of cell phone service today - which is my ONLY phone - because some idiot cut a fiber line up here. Fantastic. Add all of this on to the baby shower drama, hand writing all those notes, and just for a cherry on top - I'm quitting smoking.

I've been really good with it, but honestly, I don't know how much more of this I can take. There are only so many things that can happen at once. At this point, I am MISSING my smokes. It was somehow comforting. I know it isn't really, but yet, it was. However, there were only about 4 times today I went to mindlessly grab for my pack. It's been over 36 hours since my last cigarette, which is further than I have made it in quite a long time. The longest has been 4 days, which was in my first 2ww. I was completely naive and convinced that I was pregnant, so I stopped. Needless to say, the first day of my period I fell right back to them. I never was able to fully quit in the 2ww again, with that 'It probably didn't work anyway' mindset. I continually cut back, and I would be down to less than 1/2 a pack a day, and then I would get my period. Back up to a full pack. It's an addiction, what did I expect?

I always said once that motivation was there, I would quit. The motivation was a baby. Hence the fact I was able to quit in the first 2ww. Now, after 4 unproductive (or un-reproductive?) cycles, my new motivation is getting pregnant. It affects fertility. I knew that. I just never thought it would happen to me.

Some kind of Progress.

2008-06-05T01:02:00.002-04:00

Yay! Boo. No, yay! No, boo.

AF is finally here. She made her grand appearance in the form of pinkish-brown spotting at 11:53 pm. Now I sit here at 1:00 am exactly, with a bottle of fuck-you-uterus Advil, a whole bag fuck-you-stomach popcorn, and a big cup of fuck-you-body instant iced tea. It's literally so big I could swim in it. Or at least wash my hair.

However, with all of that, I do consider this an improvement. That may seem strange, yet it is a fact of my journey that I am strangely proud of. While I believe that no woman should have to hit this point, I have arrived to the place where I don't cry about my period. It is a fact now that I am not pregnant. It's not devastation, it's not crushing disappointment, it's now longer a feeling of how can I be THIS broken. It just. simply. IS. My period is now a statement, a fact, a truth. It is not a verb, it is not a state of being.

Just this past week, I have heard from 6 different people "it will happen as soon as you relax". Sweetpea, I am not including you in this paragraph (FYI). Really. My doctor wants to put me on fertility drugs, my cycles have yet to fall in the normal range, I've had a weak ovulation last cycle which my doctor has determined as a problem in my follicular phase, and my LP can't seem to find a happy place. Glad to know that all of that is null and void if I only RELAX. You've GOT to be kidding me. I never thought I would hit that point of people saying it to me. My brother even said that to me today. Have you tried to have kids? No. Shut up, go away, and come back to me when you are broken. I swear, people don't get it.

If you haven't been through it, I don't want to hear your theory. If you got got pregnant accidentally, I don't want to hear how it happened for you. If you pregnant in your first month, I don't want to hear that all you had to do was time it right. If you got pregnant in your second cycle, I don't want to hear that you just ditched the lube and took your vitamins. Or in today's case, became obsessed with David Cook instead of TTC. Talk to me when it took you more than 6 months to get pregnant. Tell me what you did, how you did it, and I will try it. If you've lived through it, I am all ears. Until then...

SHUT UP!

It's official - AF needs to die.

2008-06-04T00:30:00.002-04:00

I can handle my period. I can handle cramps with my period. I cannot handle these KILLER crazy bad cramps with no period. At least when I have my period I can know I am moving on toward ovulation. These cramps are strictly unproductive, a warning of the inevitable. Can we at least get this party rolling and move on to the next cycle?

In other news, I'm becoming a vegetarian. Well, kind of. :) Chris and I kept joking about how we could become vegetarians since we LOOOOOVE our veggies. Well, now that we aren't pregnant again, there's only one thing left to try - the sperm diet essentially. Lots of veggies, especially dark green ones, are supposed to be really good for sperm production. Not to mention high in folic acid for me! Hopefully I'll also lose some weight in the process. I doubt it, I love my veggies in butter! Or with Parmesan cheese - the real stuff - or green bean casserole. My favorites! Or spinach in cream of chicken soup (the one meat 'product' if you can call it that, that we agreed will stay!) Or a spinach alfredo. Mmmm, that's dinner tomorrow night. Looks like I am going to need to go shopping! We're going to be what I call "at-home" vegetarians. It will be our primary source of food and we won't cook meat at home, but we aren't objecting to it or anything of the sort.

So I am guessing AF will show up tomorrow, unless my body is in full out revolt stage, in which case my LP will be really long just to push my cycle outside the normal range :) In which case, I'm finding out where I can return my uterus for a new one!

Baby shower madness!

2008-06-03T00:37:00.003-04:00

I've gotten so much done today for my sister's shower, that I am utterly EXHAUSTED! Today alone, I have finished stuffing the invites, sealed them, stickered them, stamped them, mailed them, bought extra favors, ordered the advice cards, confirmed the other favors delivery, addressed all thank you cards (tradition over here, the shower host addresses the thank you's for the mom in advance), bought the thank you cards before that obviously, bought the forks and knives, tablecloths, decorations for the house, tent, and mommy chair... I also went to Yankee Candle and got the 'prizes'. One sand 'n sun candle, and my newest obsession, Island Spa. Yummy! Now I have to finish the diaper cake tomorrow, which should be easy enough, it's 90% done. Then I just have to wait on stuff to get here so I can finish stuffing the favor bags. I really am exhausted after all this! It is all worth it though, some of this stuff is SO amazingly cute! I'm working with a light pink, hot pink, and purple as colors with baby footprints as the theme. Butterflies are tied in here and there, since her bedding has butterflies on it. Wanna see some of the cuteness? :)

The invites, custome designed. Same woman did my wedding invites, Katrina, papermilldesigns.com: