3.02.2010

Letting it all out...

I don't know where to begin.

I have been a bad blogger. There are so many things swirling around in my head that as I sit down to get them out, it's so overwhelming and I give up. Most of them are depressing, I'm not gonna lie. There is so much shit to deal with, so many things I haven't admitted here, so many things I don't want people to know.

So I am going to admit it. I have postpartum depression. I was diagnosed 3 months ago, been bouncing around medications and dosages, and I still don't have it right, but it's close enough. I still have bad days however. Let me assure you, Cole isn't in danger. There is a distinct difference between PPD and postpartum psychosis. I had an inkling I would, since the OCD developed during pregnancy.

This is part of the reason I can't leave Cole. I once forced myself to go to the post office without him when he was about 4 months old. That was the last time I did it. I have major anxieties, which means I have walked away from almost everyone. If you weren't the one calling me, we weren't talking. I don't call anyone. The phone scares the beejebus out of me. What do I say? What are they *really* thinking about me while I'm talking? Are they just pretending to like me? And not only do I not call, I don't really pick up either. I fear driving. I fear going somewhere new. I don't even eat at new restaurants if I haven't been there before. I don't talk to strangers, and if I know I have to in a situation, I make Chris go with me. I have developed this HUGE insecurity about being liked and not being judged.

Another part is the anger. If I think you are judging me, I am angry. I've always had a temper. Now the fuse is shorter than ever. My family has never been a support system for me, and now I don't even want to be bothered with the shit they present. I stay away from them as much as humanly possible because I can't add their drama onto my plate. I have pretty severe OCD from the PPD. I can't stand mess. If I knew anyone that wanted my dogs, they would be gone in an instant because dogs are dirty (but I can't drop them off somewhere, I love them). I vacuum every day. I cannot have dishes in my sink. Nothing can be on my floor. I even went out and bought bookcases for Cole's toys downstairs because EVERY THING MUST HAVE ITS PLACE. I budget like you wouldn't believe.

On top of it all is that I don't have a support system. Of course I have Chris and some friends, but I don't want to burden people with this. I know it's my own issues and I don't want to make them anyone else's. In turn, I find myself practically becoming a hermit. My house is safe. Inside my house, I am myself. There is nothing to worry about (as long as it's clean...) and locked away from the outside world.

In case you couldn't tell, today is a bad day.

I want to leave the house, but I don't want to spend money. We need a new car. I need 4 doors. Cole has been growing through a size a month, and $50 a week in formula. I am so afraid of going broke. I am one pound under pre-pregnancy weight but 2 sizes up. I gained 30 pounds in the year it took to conceive Cole. I hate the way my body looks. I don't want to feel that way. I am afraid of having a daughter because of my body image issues. I can fake it really well, but your own child will see right through that. I want to have another child before Cole can remember a mom with postpartum depression. I don't want him to remember being in the house all the time. Another reason I hate my body, I'll be lucky to get 1 period by the time people have 2. I don't get chances to get pregnant every month. It's all a guessing game for timing. I don't want to have to TTC again. My body failed me with the miscarriage. My body failed my with Cole and cholestasis. My body is failing to even give me a legitimate chance of having another. My body has a 90% chance of failing my again in the next pregnancy with repeat cholestasis.

I try to remind myself every day of the bright side. If I hadn't miscarried, I wouldn't have Cole. If I didn't have cholestasis, I would have had a c-section, he would have been too big. My liver held my numbers down long enough to make it to 38 weeks, he could have been a preemie. My stretch marks are from creating my perfect son. My body gave life. I made him. And most days, just telling myself that is enough.

But some days, it's not. And those are the days I stay in the house, and lock all of that out.

There is much more swirling through my head, but the man has awoken from his morning nap...

3 comments:

Jess said...

First, I'm sorry if this gets too long. Second, I want you to know I am not judging you! :) I've totally been where you are, only I wanted to get away from Emma during my PPD. I felt like the world's worst mother because I just didn't bond with her for a while. And when I went back to work, it was a relief for me; it meant I got a break. And that made me feel horrible. I didn't get OCD, but I had really bad anxiety. I needed her to sleep right up against our bed so I could watch her breathe at night (we ended up getting the Arm's Reach Co-Sleeper because I was so terrified of SIDS). Most nights I couldn't sleep because I was afraid if I did, something would happen to her. Having PPD/anxiety issues was probably one of the lowest points of my life, during what is supposed to be one of the happiest. But it does pass; the hormones do eventually even out. I know some person online whom you've only met twice probably isn't really going to make you feel any better, but if my two cents helps even in the slightest then I'm glad I commented :) What formula are you using? Is there any way to switch to a less expensive brand? Unfortunately I can't offer you any clothes, since I've only got girl outfits lol, but the good news is, once they hit a year they do stop growing so fast. I'm going to friend you on Facebook (it suggests you everytime I tell it to find friends based on email, but I didn't want to seem weird), so feel free to message me there if you ever need to talk about anything. And we'll have to get the kiddos together when it gets a little warmer and do something that DOESN'T involve spending money! Sorry this got so long and rambly...

Jess said...

Just kidding about Facebook...it doesn't show you anymore when I have it search for email contacts...

Kaitlyn said...

I'm a lurker with a son born a week after Cole. I feel your pain and I'm sorry you feel you're going through this alone. I hope they find something that works for you.